Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

Even if my child had made some poor life choices I wouldn't be able to leave them to live on the breadline.

@Richparentpoorchild I can fathom how she can be living off the gifts from her own family, and not do the same for you. I honestly feel so badly for you, have you ever asked her to help you out?

Do you both work, have there been issues with spending or gambling? I'd not go to lunch if I couldn't heat my home but I'd explain why and suggest a bring your own picnic and I'd only buy gifts for my young children/grand children not adult ones.

It sounds so wrong, l would not want my dc to have so little and struggled through when l could help, some people are so selfish don't go to lunch with her tell her you can't afford it she can treat you if she wants to see you.

I totally agree with you. Some parents don't want to help kids who they see as 'losers'. Some parents are just plain mean. OP is asking for advice and your idea is to tell her it's probably her own fault certainly isn't helpful. You sound unbelievably judgemental which is an ugly thing.

This story is in today's sun newspaper

Well good for you. I more parents had your attitude, there would be less jobless druggies around.

This makes my blood boil. Your mum obviously doesn't care about family. I'd reduce contact if I were you, but first I'd cheerily tell her to save her money for the care she'll need in the future, as you won't be doing it.

Sorry op but your Mother sounds really unpleasant. We are fairly comfortable,paid off mortgage ,husband retired but stilll really having to be careful about money but despite that we are looking into downsizing so we can give our children a deposit for buying.l
Cannot Understand why your Mother is so thick skinned ,tone deaf and tight !!

Maybe OP needs money?

Op we are in similar circumstances to yours, but mum is not quite as rich (but rich enough to take a holiday every month with lots of spending money, hundreds of thousands in bank, 2.5 million worth of house etc). I feel for you! I have multiple heath issues which she knows about and getting worse every year. I have had to give up one of my jobs and hubby has to help me dress sometimes as can hardly move. We are really struggling and depressed (hubby also has bad back and knees). We have worked in physical jobs and feel worn out now (I still have 10 yrs to retirement and I think I will be totally buggered by then). Luckily my other job is desk job so that helps but we are struggling. I have asked her for help, she said yes then never bothers. She just says I can have the money when she is dead. She is only 17yrs older and is extremely good health, I dont know if I will even make it to retirement let alone outlive her. It would be lovely if she could help but she just doesn't it drives me a bit crazy, I know I shouldnt expect it but god it would be nice.

PIL, mid 80s, are sat on a considerable amount of assets and savings. Enough to pay inheritance tax.

We've all struggled through student 20s, having kids 30s, house too small 40s and are now in uni fee 50s.

FIL absolutely thinks he's immortal. My SIL is not, she's cashing in her pension now and going through the bucket list because her diagnosis means no old bones.

She will be dead by inherit it 60s - occasionally I'm really angry about them sitting on it like a dragon. We absolutely could have done with a wodge ten years ago, it will be almost irrelevant in ten years time as we downsize.

Lots of pretty nasty, sanctimonious comments here. There's something about inheritance threads that seems to bring out the worst in MNers. I have to admit I laughed quite hard at the PP who rudely told the OP how dreadful and entitled she was being, and how her own kids had always had to support themselves, then admitted in a later post that she'd ensured they inherited 200K each. Classic.

Lots of sneering at low paid workers too, when OP made it clear that she works in a caring profession, and they're not famous for being well paid, are they. Plus some snidey little digs at OP's husband having 4 kids before he met her, in a snobby 'oh dear lord, the poor are breeding' kind of way.

I wonder how all the PPs with all their 'her money, her choice' crap would feel if the situation was reversed, if an OAP was living in a freezing cold house with no spare money while her daughter and SIL were millionaires and owned 8 properties yet didn't lift a finger to help her, and even rubbed their wealth in her face.

OP, I do think your mum is being absolutely horrible, and I'm so sorry. I totally get why you're hurt and baffled by it.

Whilst o would currently give my kids my last pound ( my choice as they would never ask or expect and I fact often refuse help ) I would never dream if asking for financial help from my parents . My life choices are my own as theirs were there own . I do not expect any inheritance and am actively encouraging them to spend their money after all they earnt it and it’s their life choices that have put them where they are .
the most I would ask for is a short term loan .

I really don't understand people like your mother. If I had the money, I would do everything I could to make sure that my family were comfortable. I am not wealthy but I help my children now wherever I can and wish that I could give them more. What's the use of having all that money, in the bank/houses when your family are struggling? My grandmother was always very generous with us grandchildren. She used to say she wanted to see us enjoying her money while she was alive and she wouldn't see that when she was dead.

I think her behaviour is wrong. She doesn’t have to finance your life but given that she has so much and you have so little I think it’s odd.
i wonder what her family and friends think of her behaviour-what I mean is that it must be obvious to her inner circle that she is wealthy and you and your family are not. There are many ways of helping someone, it doesn’t have to be huge amounts, a little can mean so much to someone who doesn’t have much.

I am a more compassionate person than you clearly, because to me, money is meant to share if you can. I'd rather see my loved ones enjoy it while I'm alive to see it than leave it to them when I'm gone.

You must have grown up somewhat wealthy as you've said her parents were rich and you most likely had a leg up naturally to opportunities.
I do not believe that parents should bail out their adult children because of their decisions, no matter how wealthy they are.

It doesn't have to "add up"!!! The OP owes you no explanation.

What a nasty, supercilious, patronising, condescending piece of shite you posted!!

The OP states that she is in a caring profession, and she loves it. She comes across as a great deal nicer a person than you.

This comment, "Just what went so badly wrong for you that your mother has not been invested in your future or the future of your children?" is utterly hateful!!!

Sorry. It doesn't add up.

If you have parent(s) worth millions from birth, then they must have had aspirations, views. goals when you were born. They must have also had a nice home in a middle class area, at the least.

They must have told you that the easy route to your future security is work hard at school, get qualifications and get a decent enough paying job to support a family.

But yet you and spouse are on breadline - so presumably without good qualifications or raised without any business or career aspirations.

Just what went so badly wrong for you that your mother has not been invested in your future or the future of your children?

Would you not suggest to your mum that they could go with some help then?

Common sense

Because they have not directly said to us that they are struggling. Would be a bit weird to phone one uncle up who needs a hip op and offer to pay for it out of the blue. However, my mum (it is her brother) spends a lot of time on the phone talking about it to him, how he struggles with mobility and pain etc. If it were my sibling I would offer to pay for it.

I also said "most" of us are doing well. We have one sibling who isn't and me and the other 3 siblings regularly buy her shopping, we bought her a car, we paid for to have some medical treatment etc, we often transfer her money to help with her monthly expenses. However, my mother has never so much as offered her a £1 and will cheerfully sit back at lunch or dinner out and wait for everyone else to pay, even the impoverished sister.

Why don’t you and your siblings help your mum's siblings who struggle with financial worries - given you have all done extremely well - you must have some spare cash to help out your aunts and uncles?

You are, of course, absolutely right, and I should have said England, not UK. It may be born out that OP is in England or Wales due to statistics (population of 55.98mil in England, 5.4mil in Scotland, and 3.8mil in Wales), but when I lived in Scotland, I used to eye-roll a bit when people forgot it was part of the UK. Sorry about that @WearyAuldWumman !

She behaved in the same way before the OP met her husband so this is unlikely to be the case.

As I have said upthread there does not need to be a reason. My mother is exactly the same. Luckily most of my siblings have done extremely well but even when going through some dire financial situations has never once offered anything.

It doesn't bother me now I am older but I do struggle to watch her siblings struggle with money and health issues and my mum doing nothing to help.