Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

That’s awful, I can’t understand how they sleep at night.
I feel sorry for my husband. He works so hard and does nothing wrong, he takes care of us, he won’t go out drinking or gambling. He’s punished for being a good dad and husband!

Wow ... I wouldn't go out to lunch with her any more (invite her round to yours instead) and I certainly wouldn't buy her presents at Christmas (many families just don't buy for adults any more so nothing unusual).

Have you previously posted about this? Just seem to remember a similar post is all.I think she is being unfair ,however does she feel you "expect" help to come from her? Maybe she feels she is expected to come to the rescue a few too many times

What is even worse is when the wealth is due to good fortune so them inheriting or getting lucky with timing on property so it’s not even as if they earned it them selves by hard work or talent.. So they hoard the largesse the universe gave them but don’t pay it on.

I work with older people and some do hoard money not even spending it on themselves. Do see particularly elderly men living in grim conditions scrabbling round Lidl reduced section with hundreds and thousands in the bank. Being a spendthrift is bad but the opposite is too.

Sounds like my in laws. They even let one of their adult dc become homeless and wouldn't help in any way. They actually said it would be a life lesson for them. So they happily sat in their huge home while owning other properties while their daughter and grandchildren went into a refuge.

Round of applause everyone for the most intelligent person here!! 👏 op you must know the answer to this so get back on the thread and start telling the truth 🙄

It’s also extremely inefficient tax wise. With 8 properties she’s likely well over the iht threshold. If she gifted to you and lived 7 years her estate is reduced by what she has given away for when the tax is due.

We have friends from other cultures and it’s all about assisting your children as much as possible. Dh Jewish friends the grandparents fall over themselves to gift properly to their young adult grandchildren. This is really not the case for many white British. In our extended family the wealth pools with the 70 plus age group and they hoard it and watch the young struggle. Very weird.

I don't understand why people are blaming her DH and his kids, OP said her mother hasn't given her anything since she was 16 and she didn't meet DH until she was 40.

She sounds awful and if I were you I'd have stopped contact with her years ago xx

My friend has a saying that in the West we abandon our kids at 18. In the ops case at 16. Shocking that her mum cut her loose so young. No wonder she has struggled without that support.

Up*

You see I hate this conditional love. Parent agrees with life choices....gifts money generously. Child makes different life choices....no money at all.
Different life choices may end up in less money but that's when we need money more.
Dad didnt approve of my life choices but I had very bad mental health including hospitalisation and ED so I couldnt build a career for myself untill later in life and ended uo with abusive men.
He still resents the time he helped with a rental deposit....he's loaded due to inheritance but won't help me much.

My in laws are like this. It’s like they want us to suffer because they did. If anything bad happened financially to us (my husband was made redundant, no fault of his) they almost smirked when we told them. They are loaded now and never help us. We went to the shop for them and they asked for 56p the change back. That was years ago and I still remember!

I think you should be mad at your husband here for having more kids than he could clearly afford. Most people would struggle having to pay for SIX (or is it seven?) kids, frankly it's ridiculous. Not your mother's problem-if she'd had six kids herself I doubt her fortune would've spread very far either.

Sounds selfish to me and especially with her grandchildren . narcissists personality . you cant take it with you when you die. that is so sad. Probably her upbringing of living in the depression where everything was scarce. I am so sorry you have to endure this abusive form your mother. not every mother is warm and fuzzy . i realize that now.

I feel like im reading my exact same story here! I know how you feel. I am extremely poor too due to a disease/illness that ive had for 3 years which makes me blind on bad days and struggling to see on the others. Because of that i am unable to work and so some days i have to go without food even as i have no money. I cant pay for medical treatment i need either. My mother got a million inheritance and wont give me a penny. She says she needs it for herself. She spends it ALL on cosmetic procedures and anything involving her looks. Shes 77 years old getting boob jobs, teeth veneers, cheek fillers etc etc. She pays no bills as her partner pays for everything, including the fuel in her car. I cant understand how someone could be so mean to their own child, when they have plenty and spend lavishly on themselves. I would give my kids anything they needed even if it meant going without myself. For the rest of their lives.

If be inclined to assume that he paid an absolute pittance in maintenance, which is why it has made no difference.

This! I had a friend who was very wealthy (nice large house, fancy car and annual long Caribbean holidays) who once moaned to me that she couldnt understand a friend of hers (single mum on benefits) complaining about being hard up as she herself was down to her last £50,000 in her easy access savings account 🙄

OP if you father did die without a will under Irish law you would be entitled to a share in his estate. Would you have an interest in checking that?

It could be that your mother doesn’t approve of your life choices. She might feel you could have gotten a better paid job. Also, I know from listening to my mum & her friends that they worry about giving money to children in light of their partners and their partners other children. I know if I married a man who had 4 children my mother would really worry about how financially protected me & my children would be.

But considering she won’t buy you lunch it also possible she is really tight.

Have the conversation OP, don’t let your kids grow up without a few more treats if it’s possible.

It does sound very mean. My family are all richer than me, but they treat me a lot. I also would have a frank conversation with her if I were you about a bit of help.

Maybe the ops partner having 6 children he can't afford

And the mother potentially realising their financial management is not a strong suit. I’m still struggling to figure out how you can be no better off financially when household income no longer has child maintenance coming out for 4 children. Surely, even if it was 1 child and you were paying CM, then you stopped as they turned 18yo yet it made no difference to the extent you couldn’t buy a takeaway meal once in a blue moon? Maybe OP’s mother also thinks things like this are odd, maybe financial management has not been a strength for a long time? Maybe be she doesn’t think any $$ she hands over will be managed properly/make any difference from what she has observed? Maybe that’s not the case at all. Who knows, a bunch of internet randoms aren’t likely to work it out.

That doesn’t explain not treating OP to lunch when it’s just the two of them though… (was thinking the same as you initially)

Just tell her the situation as it is, that you struggle financially and would really appreciate some help now rather than after she dies. Even allowing for IHT she could still gift you some money, I believe it is £3k per year. Obviously have the discussion in a diplomatic and tactful way, but she may not even realise how much she could help.
And if she refuses at least you need not worry about her care in old age as she will have plenty to fund it with minimal input from you.

Maybe the ops partner having 6 children he can't afford.

I agree with you