Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

@Richparentpoorchild

Did your mother grow up poor ?

Did she ever work ?

She’s your mum, can you just ask her why she won’t help?

Spell it out. We are skint, please stop rubbing your wealth in my face while we struggle as it’s irritating at best. Repeat every single time. Surely she will get the message.

I think it’s awful to do this to your kids btw, providing they had done everything they could to help themselves I would help them if I could.

I wouldn't want to see my daughter going without and would try to treat her as much as possible whilst she's young and grafting to build a future. I'd hope to be able to reduce that as she gets older and becomes financially stable herself.

But you're 56.

You've obviously made life choices that have led you to circumstances where you don't have much money and that's a trade off you've made. It's not like she can give you a few presents now and it's going to improve in future- you don't have any plans to change your situation. She might well feel that you've chosen a minimum wage job and then taken on responsibility for 4 children that aren't yours, and it isn't up to her to subsidise those decisions.

People saying they don’t believe this post have clearly never known anyone like OP’s mother! The richest relatives I have are the stingiest by far, as in millionaires giving you the metal cups they used from the first class flight they flew in on (this happened).

And the sense of sheer entitlement, the amount of times we have been told by this person to work harder or buy a property so we don’t pay rent any more (we can’t afford a deposit - we can barely cover rent!). Just as stingy with her niece and nephew, these family members live in a million-dollar property in the most expensive city in the world and will give an 8 year-old a silk scarf with the charity shop tag still on as a gift.

I can’t imagine not wanting to help my kids when they need it. My parents, despite not always being happy with my way of living and life choices, have always helped out where they can and I am eternally grateful for it. I grew up in a family of debt and low income, so am grateful that they don’t tend to hoard their wealth (inherited, not much but enough that they don’t have to panic any more). Sometimes they can be a bit tone-deaf since inheriting and paying off the mortgage, I often just have to be straight-up and say ‘I’m happy you’re going on a big holiday, but it’s the 5th of the month and I’m in my overdraft so don’t need to know every detail of your splurging!!’

Sounds like you don’t really communicate in your family either. Have you sat her down and said…. We are struggling and we would appreciate support ?

Agree it’s a contract. You can’t have it all ways. And I agree with that view on inheritance- not that it affects me our family are all teachers and ministers on one side and working class on the other so no large family pot to preserve!

But our family are happy and close and enjoy each others company which is more precious. My mother has numerous wealthy friends and so many of their families have fallen out over money.

Oh yes I completely agree it's not family-ish in the slightest!

🙌🙌🙌
Yes to all of this.

She sounds like my mum but she spends zero on anyone or herself. Has never worked a day in her life, inherited everything from her parents and my dad. Gives my kids £5 for birthdays etc, I got the same on significant birthdays! Can’t imagine being like this when I eventually inherit from her

You said you won’t ask her for money, does she honestly know how you live? And why are you living in a rough part of a nice place, was it not possible to find somewhere more average where an average house would be affordable? You should talk to her, you do sound bitter, totally warranted but how does it help you? You need to talk to her

That's appalling
I wouldn't feel comfortable having anything other than an arms length relationsihp with a parent who could do this

I think everything understands this, but most people would think it is a bit dysfunctional.

What is the point of families if they are not there for each other when they need each other?

It's not reciprocal, is it? She expects the OP to do the whole daughter thing, but then gives nothing (and I'm not talking just in material terms) in return.

Yes it's her right, but what it would say to me is that she places very little value on family relationships.

My parents are .lionaires and I knew they wereny annong on helping even during the really tough times of single psrenthood.
So I went and did a degree leading to a decent career and made sure DS did too.
As a result we both earn good money and have our own homes.
Im 62. I can tell you it was no laughing matter doing a degree, paying my mortgage and bringing up a child. I worked all hours with no help from anyone.
I personally wpuld do everything in my power to help DS so I dont understand your mother.
Is there anything you can do to earn more money?

I have no time for people like the OP's mother.

I have a particular view of inheritance, which is my own, and I'm sure plenty of people will disagree.

Inheritance money is not yours, you did not earn it. It is to be passed on, to help the next generation, not squandered on holidays that benefit only you.

If this involves you using it for housing stability - this would be fine as it benefits the next generation.

Otherwise I think you are immensely selfish and are taking without giving - this makes the world a crap place.

I can't imagine owning 8 properties & not letting my daughter live in one for low/no rent tbh.

Especially if all I owned had been given to me!

She owes you nothing but is quite mean really.

And I don't understand her addiction for outrageously splurging on herself.

If she ever talks to you about leaving you anything in her Will I would suggest that you try to understand her wishes but also make suggestions that she could be generous to your children.

Sorry to be blunt but she just does sound mean, but then some people are mean. The bottom line is she doesn't owe you anything, if she choses not to help you, it's mean, but it's her choice, your an adult, there is no NEED or REQUIREMENT for her to support you.

Can't believe how tight the mother is and how some people think that's ok.

Regardless of her opinions on her daughter's life choices, which may or may not be negative, who has 8 houses and doesn't even treat their adult kids to lunches out?? I would be helping my daughter out financially regardless of whether I approved of her life choices or not. It's not really her business anyway.

My parents drummed into me and my brother that they would help us (just as their parents helped them) and they bloody well expect us to help their grandchildren in turn. We are effectively caretakers of money in our family. It's not for me to hoard and spend the advantage I've been given, I will look after it, grow it and pass it on.
Money doesn't buy happiness but it gives stability, security and choices. I want my children to have all those things and I can't understand any mother who doesn't.
I'd be absolutely gutted if my parents were happy to soak up help from the generation above and then watch as their children and grandchildren struggled.

I can kind of understand self-made people not giving their children handouts as they earnt it themselves, but it sounds like the OP's mother inherited everything from her parents, who also gifted the OP's mother a lot when they were still alive.

There must be more to this story though- for example why were you supporting yourself aged 16? That's quite unusual even back in the 80s if there was no financial need for it. Most parents would support up to 18 at least if they could afford it. Also if she treats you with such disdain, I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves everything to her partner. What is the back-story here, do you remind her of your father or something along those lines and that wasn't a happy situation?

You asked how people would feel in your shoes, OP.

I would feel very hurt. Like you, I wouldn't ask for anything but I would feel that the family "contract" whereby we all have each other's backs to the best of our abilities and resources has been broken.

Even if she doesn't see eye-to-eye with you and doesn't approve of your life choices, it would hurt me that this extends to the grandkids.

If I was well-off but didn't want to give a struggling adult child money for whatever reason, I'd focus on what my grandchildren needed and how I could make things better for them. So I'd be offering to pay for school uniform, family days out and passes for various things, birthday parties and extracurricular clubs and tuition. I can't imagine going on multiple lavish holidays while children in my family are missing out due to a strained family budget - and there are lots of families in this position atm!

Personally I wouldn't be paying for those lunches out if I were you.

I'm in a similar ish situation. My parent is a millionaire and we're not poor but just about managing. My parent has never helped us at all and regularly goes away on luxury trips. We can't afford to go on holiday this year. No solution to it but solidarity.

You don't need to ask her for money but you definitely could suggest she read the room, and also say that you can't afford to eat out. Suit yourself; she does.

Only advice I'd give is if you do inherit (don't count on it, boyfriend will likely get the money) don't be like her. Help out younger generations straight away. Buying them a house when they're 25 is going to make a much, much easier path through life for them than buying them a house when they're 75 after 50 extra years of poverty that you could have spared them.

Will boyfriend inherit. Do you have any siblings. Stop going out for lunch As costing you. Just meet at her house or yours. She sounds mean but it's her money to spend how she wants. Don't understand why she not give to help her daughter but everyone is different. I'd like to know her side too. Every story has two sides.