Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

Half the people sneering probably don't work and are living off a partner's income/retired - if they were in work, they'd know that it really isn't that easy to go out there and 'just get a better paid job'. Even if you're highly qualified in your field, highly paid jobs are not out there for the taking, let alone attempting to enter a whole new industry. We're in a low wage, high tax society, unfortunately.

The OP chose to do a minimum wage job, and she chose to have kids, so either there was no planning or she decided to have kids knowing she was going to be skint or assuming her mum was going to subsidise her life choices?
Is the general feeling that parents should subsidise their kids life choices for the rest of their lives? Because if I’m being asked to financially commit to my kids life choices - I’d want to be consulted on those choices.
On this this we haven’t heard much from parents who have subsidised their kids for life - just parents who if they had the money they would and it’s easy to say this when it’s not going to happen.

All these people saying change your job and you will have more money. My daughter is a nurse. She loves her job, is never going to earn mega bucks, but I am bloody proud of her and if there is anything I can do to make her life more comfortable, I will do it. I cannot understand people like your mother, OP, I really can't. I would be so hurt in your position. So many minimum wage jobs are desperately needed, they never paid enough to let someone live decently, now with rents going through the roof and a COL, people are going under and yet so many people stand around and sneer. "Get a better job". Try doing without people like my daughter. Or retail workers, hospitality, postal, warehouse floor staff, all the people that allow you to socialise, get goods delivered to your home and wipe your ass when you can't do it yourself anymore. Thank God all those minimum wage workers kept turning up for work during lockdown, eh? The OP works in a caring profession, we actually need people like her.

I find your mother’s behaviour odd and it’s certainly not how I would act with my own children. I suspect PPs are correct in that she disapproves of your life choices.

On the other hand, I find it baffling that you have continued to work in a minimum wage job which means that your children have had to grow up without heating, unless there are genuinely no other options open to you (which seems unlikely). I know you love your job, but I would have loved to work in an animal sanctuary or be an artist. In reality, I continue to work as a lawyer so that my children don’t grow up in poverty. Obviously I’m not suggesting you do that, however there is a middle ground and your children are more your responsibility than your mother’s.

This must be very hard to live with im very sorry. I can’t imagine ever getting any joy out of a luxury lifestyle whilst my children (and grandchildren) couldn’t even afford the heating. Some people will say she owes you nothing but I think her attitude is disgusting.

I don't think you sound bitchy, you sound confused and hurt. I would be as well.

As OP @Richparentpoorchild hasn’t been on their thread since 5th May, I guess all this new helpful advice is going to waste.

Yes - but, if she was totally single (no kids) and she was working then why was she on the breadline?

I have been working since i was 16 and never relied on my parents fortune.

i guess if it was me and i had the spare capital then id help as best as, but i guess some use it to teach how the world works etc

Because she was totally single until she was forty so no-one to share the load financially.

I have had a similar situation with my DM, she was very wealthy through buying a heavily discounted council house, inheritance from wealthy husband and final salary pension. When she inherited originally she said she would give me half (I never asked for it) then changed her mind after we put her up rent free for six months whilst I sorted her husband’s estate. I have provided years of care to her for free, meaning I could only work part time. She is now in a care home and all her money is paying for that. It has made me think that in the very unlikely of coming into money my first thought will be to give some to my DC before I get ill. I’d want to actually see them have an easier life. My DM got pregnant with me at 18 and lived in a council house and had to scrimp and save in the early years, she was very judgemental of me for not landing myself in the same predicament and proving myself like she did not realising that automatic council housing for young mothers didn’t exist anymore and that the whole experience of having young poor teenage parents who didn’t want to be together and argued nonstop was not what I wanted for myself or my future children. She thinks I had an easy life, I have lived in chronic pain for the last 30 years but that didn’t count as a way of overcoming adversity for her. To be honest, I really do wish she had blown some of that monster on lavish holidays for herself before she got ill.

Sounds really strange and unbelievable. Something is off with the story.

However, my question is why dont you talk to your mum? Does she know that you are struggling? Are you close to her? How has your relationship been growing up? a mother would naturally, generally, be aware of her children’s state of affairs and be inclined to help - I couldn’t sleep or even function knowing my children are struggling.

Why are you on the breadline?

Why are you and your husband on the bones of your arse at your age?
Perhaps she would be throwing away her money, and knows it.

Your mother sounds unpleasant at best. Was there neglect in your childhood / emotional neglect? Is this behaviour with money part of a pattern towards you? Sorry you are dealing with this. I have something similar in that my sibling gets given a lot more than I do! But because they earn less I don't really make a big deal of it. However they've become dependant on the help and don't try to earn more which I find frustrating and not helpful for the sibling.

Other people can do what they like with their cash. I've never known a parent who hasnt given money to their children but I know several who will no longer do so because, for example, their child is an addict who stole from them or the child expects the parent to support them for life. Inheritance is not guaranteed and any they do get is likely to be tied up so they cant blow it. If you are genuinely decent to your mother then I do find this behaviour odd, but it's very unusual. I only hear this said on mumsnet.

Nowt as funny as folk, as they say.

I have never understood people who have the good fortune to inherit money and then want their own children to go without. I also don't understand how as a parent you can live a crazy lifestyle and not want your children to benefit from this. My in laws are very wealthy and careful people, when FIL sold one of his businesses he gave us enough money to pay off our mortgage. OH was not happy about this (he's a bit proud) but FIL who's a bit religious was quite clear that he wasn't happy to have a lot of money in his bank whilst we were paying a mortgage. Was very decent of him.

This DM sounds bizarre

OP I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It must hurt like hell - emotionally, mentally, materially. For yourself and your children who are going without.

It doesn’t matter why you are on the breadline. No one would chose that for themselves or their family.

People’s behaviour is often a reflection of how they feel about themselves as opposed to others. Your mother sounds very selfish and cold.

Sending a massive hug and handhold 💐.

My DM is not extremely wealthy and we are not impoverished but she thinks she is much more badly off than she is, I think partly personality, partly that she and my DF started out not very well off and then got divorced and she feels she got the rough end of the deal, and she is under the impression that she therefore cannot help us out. We do not really need help, but feel it would be nice to be considered. She will also not spend on small things that would make her and our lives easier e.g. getting a taxi from the station if she comes to see us - she's in her 80s and can afford it but if we don't pick her up she will walk, she will always ask for a lift and will complain slightly if she has to walk. She can afford a taxi and we have a busy life.

Could it be something like this - e.g. coming into money after she lost her parents, she still has the mindset of "look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves"?

Damn! Posted too soon. And there are wealthy people who seem utterly oblivious to the fact. Ie they assume everyone has what they do and if they see people living simply, it doesn’t dawn on them it’s because they’re broke.

Unless the OP’s mother has tennanted all the properties she owns, gifting one to the OP sounds pretty fair to me. I’d discuss it with the mother and find out why she offers no help.

I can't get my head around this behaviour at all. I'm not on the breadline but my millionaire brother is very very generous with money towards me. Even our parents are who aren't millionaires. I personally couldn't do what your mum does in her position. I'm very generous to my adult child and will be all of them. I'd be telling her going forward I can't even put my heating on never mind go for lunch and sack that off.

There are wealthy people who think it’s bad for their adult offspring to be given money/financial help generally as the parent ‘had to earn it’ and so should they - which doesn’t seem to be the case here, as in the wealth was inherited. Then, there are people who take the ‘I brought you up - you do the rest’ approach - the brutal booting out of the nest. And s

Yep this is how normal people behave.

i struggle to believe there is nothing else at play (eg your mother has issues, she is generally cold / unkind, she disapproves of your job / partner) and the OP has a genuinely good and close relationship with her mother.

She sounds self-absorbed at best and narcissistic at worst. I sympathise but not much you can do.

At a guess I'd say shes disappointed by the choices you've made.

It isn't her job to fund you to choose poorly paid work.