Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

@Herewegoagainandagainandagain

Perhaps the "back story" is she wanted you to make your own way in the world. To build resilience, independence, aspirations, and have the immense satisfaction you did it yourself. So she knew you would always have those skills to take care of yourself. A priceless gift.

And it succeeded.

The OP is in her 50s. What possible reason would there be for being so awful now? Not paying OPs lunch is just miserly.
Promising to pay for something then saying at the last minute she's changed her mind frankly sounds sadistic

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese

Of course there is a back story. You are just not revealing it so you get people on your side

Do you always assume you know things you have no way of knowing? What's it like to be so supremely confident in your fabricated imagined scenarios?.

That would still be awful of her. The OP is in her 50s. She's hardly going to change careers now is she. She worked all her life and in a care job. Hardly the story of a terrible person.

It’s easier to make better choices when you have money. It’s more expensive to be poor.

I agree with not going out for lunch with her, simply say that your family can't afford to eat out. She can offer to pay for both of you if she wants. Otherwise, make her a sandwich at home. When she's thoughtlessly talking about how much she has spent on something, you say "Gosh, that feeds our family for a week/month".

I understand why you don't want to ask her for anything, particularly as she has let you down previously but she has somehow failed to realise that you are living so frugally. Does she never ask if you're planning to go on holiday etc? Could you ask her for help for your DC, possibly if they plan to go to university?

What poor choices in particular?

Typical of that generation in my experience. Entitled and indulged but completely lacking in awareness of this. No understanding of the world their children and grandchildren inherited from them. No understanding of paying back student loans, no understanding of entry level property costing multiples of 10x their salary (instead of 2 or 3), no understanding of global competition in the workplace, poor standards of food and housing. Known to be the wealthiest generation in history, and busy squandering it on empty 'luxuries' like first class flights and holidays. Grabbing up unneeded pensions from age 60, paid for by their children who will never see the likes again, and be lucky to live long enough to get a state pension. Presiding over the biggest drop in generational living standards in history. And basically lining the pockets of the billionaires they created, while the natural world around them literally burns from their excesses. History will not look kindly on them, which I know is small comfort.

Does this not count as a Zombie thread, given that the OP last posted here on 5th May, the day after her first post?

As a mum I agree with you and find it baffling!

It must be quite upsetting at times to know she's happy with how things are. It sounds like it's more a complete lack of empathy and awareness than cruel and purposeful?? But yes either way I'd be upset.

If I had millions, and more than half a dozen properties then personally I'd be sure my kids each owned a nice home outright, and my grandkids had the same future security too. Id want to see that for them while we were all younger and all still living rather than passing what's left on when I'm gone (possibly at a very old age and my adult child also not far behind).

You sound like a very caring person with a nice family life op and for that you are very lucky. Im glad you have that even if you don't have a thoughtful mum!

What are your sister's poor choices?

My DS studied and worked hard, saved some money, we then gave him a lump sum towards buying a flat when he was 28.
he needed the help now, not in 20 years time.

The OP should still hang around and keep a good relationship, as she hopefully will inherit a lot. The bf of her dm needs to out of the picture re any Will. OP should discuss this with her dm.

She sounds very entitled and as if she seriously lacks empathy. Sorry, OP.

I haven't read the whole thread, but sorry OP, you sound like my sister. She's a little bit younger than you but is on the breadline, and has been her whole life. Everyone in the family has given her money except my dad who did finally relent and lent her some money that he insisted she paid back. It hasn't solved anything, she still continues to make the same poor choices and means she ends up even worse off.

The mum got her mum from not working though! The properties were inherited. How can she be disappointed given her situation was circumstantial not through choice.

The Ops work ( care giving) is poor paid. That's not actually the Ops fault. It's not like the Op is choosing crap wages because she can't be arsed with working harder.

"Funding" is ridiculous. Paying for the nice stuff is just treating your family well. Her mum has an excess of money. Why wouldn't you share that good luck with your daughter?

The deposit? Was it ringfenced? This is a cautionary tale for large amounts of money.

This is very unusual, and I think I would be inclined to try and have a conversation about it with her.

It's not like she has earned the money herself , so she can't pull that one.

A good place to start would be declining invitations to lunch, saying that you can't afford it.

No caring parent, with more money that they can ever hope to spend, stands by and watches their child and grandchildren struggle. She must have a reason.

I get it , because on a much smaller scale I have an elderley parent sat on £35k that they just won't spend, and just £1k of that would help us enormously, but they show no signs of offering.

or the following can happen….

DH & I came from very poor backgrounds.
Worked from the age of 15 to 72 . Both had 2 jobs. I had a couple of years off for childcare but got back to work asap.
Swore we would help our children as much as possible.
Daughter married to who we thought was a perfect match.
We have given daughter and son in law thousands over the years. Paid for holidays. Paid for every meal out. Helped with deposit on first home and the 2 homes that followed.
They ended up in a large beautiful house for them and the grand children.
Then son in law left for a younger OW he met at work.
House had to be sold. 50/50 split . Daughter and grand children ended up in a much smaller house. She’s working her socks off.
Ex son in law moved in with OW and her children living life to the full on what I consider to be mostly mine & husbands money.
So, would I do the same again. Absolutely not. Should have spent the money on ourselves. Nice holidays. Husband a nice new car instead of the old banger he drives. Me, nice clothes and jewellery.
Now retired and too tired to work anymore we can’t help daughter and grandchildren when they need it .
Yes I’m bitter.

'My response would be to feel your mum's lack of support for you is a bit pathological.'

Exactly this. I commenting nearer the beginning of this thread to say the same. The mother sounds as if she has a narcissistic personality disorder or at least strong narcissistic traits. This is simply not a normal way to behave; any loving parent helps their children as much as they can. If not financially, with love and kindness, time, general advice, perhaps childcare for grandchildren, etc.

As this is mumsnet, which is pretty Reaganite these days, I suspect you're going to get a few responses along the lines of 'she doesn't owe you anything, why don't you earn more money'.

My response would be to feel your mum's lack of support for you is a bit pathological.

She sounds awful. I wouldnt bother with lunches anymore. Just tell her you cant afford them.

I think not paying for you at lunch is a bit tight

However, the OP appears to have somewhat of a chip on their shoulder for not getting given money and / or properties - and this amuses me. Why should the Mother be giving hand outs to her 56 year old daughter

The daughter is middle aged! Not a kid. It is not up to your mum to pay your gas bill, and nor is she responsible for your life choices

There will be one big inheritance tax bill.

Do you have siblings @Richparentpoorchild

To answer your original question- yes I think this is very unusual.

If I was in your mums position I would buy you a nice house in a nice part of town. You’d only be paying bills, no mortgage, so you would have lots more cash, and your life would change.

What’s the point of having money if you don’t share it with your kids?

Well, I've got the money and I can tell you, I don't need to be consulted. I don't have a house to give her but I work in a profession that pays more than her and if she couldn't turn the heating on, because her wages were not keeping up with the cost of living, I would pay a heating bill. I would pay for her lunch and not expect her to go halves. I would help out with unexpected bills. If she had children I would help out with nice treats, the cost of after school classes, tuition whatever. If I've got it, my kids are going to benefit too, and I have a lot less than the OPs Mum. As I have said, I am bloody proud of my daughter - the fact that her socially essential profession will never earn her as much money as my totally socially unessential job is not a moral failing on her part., Why wouldn't I help her if she struggles? I wouldn't subsidise an addict but a hardworking child? Yes. The real answer to the question is that people who work in the caring profession should be paid a lot more but it seems that will never happen. And what is the point, in the OP's case, of hoarding all that wealth while your children and grandchildren go without? I just do not understand that attitude.