Page 24 | Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

Richparentpoorchild · 2024-05-04T21:50:37+00:00

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years. We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it. My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents. I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this? I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money . If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse. we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half. She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

MsMuffinWalloper · 04/05/2024 23:19

I have an opposite situation in many ways. My parent plays the martyr, refuses to have the heating on or hot water, never buys anything to make their lives easier - prefers to be frugal to the point they are hoarding paper napkins and wooden spoons and refuse to use cleaning fluid to clean at all. It started off me feeling I had to look after them but now, 2 decades on, has becoming increasingly frustrating as they have let their house go to rack and ruin and act as if they can't do anything about it. They are not poor (similar to your mum) but berate me for holidays I pay for, anything I choose to pay for for my house and generally acts as if I am living the life of riley when I am on just above minimum wage and a single mum.

I would far rather they actually enjoyed their life and did something with it other than moan, compare and be bitter. All he wants to do is make me miserable and hold inheritance over my head. I've stopped engaging now and he is sulking so we haven't spoken for 3 months. I've just had enough.

Sometimes I think we don't realise what we have is better in some ways, although I can understand it can be hard to watch a parent if they are acting irresponsibly.

Blueberrymuffin8 · 04/05/2024 23:18

Does she like your partner?
Could be that she doesn't want him to get a penny from her.

PurBal · 04/05/2024 23:16

ArchesOfsunflowers · 04/05/2024 22:59

Well not as extreme but this is familiar for me.
I live modestly, mum is on holiday monthly in a house worth a few million.
We actually have had similar careers. She just benefitted from a combination of the housing boom, an inheritance and lump sum final salaries and retired early and well.
I’ll be honest, while I’m aware there is no compulsion to share it does hurt a bit. Even a few hundred a month would change what her grandkids can access. She’s easily spent my earnings on holidays this year.
Her view is she ‘worked’ for it and she just cannot fathom it seems why I don’t work and have the same. She’ll tell me things like ‘I spent a third of my income on childcare’ for four young children, when it cost me well over 60% for one and the same job. Her house was was 3 x times her salary, it would now be around 30 times mine.
It’s in combination with a childhood though where I wasn’t the focus too, that compounds the feeling. It’s not just money. Is that the case for you?

This rings so true with me. My dad recently bought a house, cash, without telling my mum aka his wife. My parents relationship is bizarre (so not something to unpick now). I need some expensive dental work but it’s not even remotely feasible (eg our part time childcare bill is 75% of our income). In our house every penny is accounted for but mum doesn’t notice a house-sized hole in their finances. She’d rather I apply to a charity for a grant towards the dental work than help by the way.

People are weird.

Supersimkin2 · 04/05/2024 23:14

It’s bloody easy to be on the breadline if you’ve never had a leg up.

Born posh doesn’t mean you’ve ever seen a fiver - some parents trouser the lot to stay posh. DC and DGC are just collateral
damage.

Social mobility goes down more than it goes up in this country.

Takenoprisoner · 04/05/2024 23:09

MohairTortoise · 04/05/2024 22:53

I couldn't know my DC were struggling while I was living in luxury.
What help would you need from your mum OP?

Same here. I do know a few people like this though. The treating the boyfriend would grate on me. Also why are you on the breadline?

PeloMom · 04/05/2024 23:08

There must be a lot more to the story. You said you’re 56 and for 15 years you’ve been on the breadline. What happened 15 yrs ago?

vodkaredbullgirl · 04/05/2024 23:07

🤔

coldcallerbaiter · 04/05/2024 23:06

8 properties? She sounds mean, I agree. Has she never helped you?
Guess you will inherit too though, same way she did.

WhatDaPoint · 04/05/2024 23:05

Have you siblings?

worryworrysuperscurry · 04/05/2024 23:04

I could never treat my child like this. My parents helped me out at times (not wealthy, just ordinary middle class), and we have done the same. I wouldn't be going for lunch!

TinyGingerCat · 04/05/2024 23:03

Bit more background info needed. Why are you on the breadline? You must have been brought up in relatively wealthy circumstances if your mum is this rich now. My mum is also very wealthy and she genuinely doesn't grasp why I'm not as wealthy as her as she can't grasp how expensive houses have got compared to income (but I'm not on the breadline).

RandomButtons · 04/05/2024 23:03

If wedding bells ring that boyfriend will be laughing his way to the bank.

I’’ with you OP. I couldn’t see my child struggle.

Have you made life choices she disapproves of?

mumofoneanddone82 · 04/05/2024 23:03

I find this really odd behaviour from your mum. Do you ever speak to her about it? X

Angelsrose · 04/05/2024 23:02

Does your DM know you're struggling? Perhaps just ask if she can help you out. You may be waiting a long time for her to offer you help.

DaftyLass · 04/05/2024 23:02

Has she always been this way?
Have you always been on the edge of poverty?
Have you directly asked for help?

GardenGnomeDefender · 04/05/2024 23:02

I'm bewildered by it.

Unless your life choices were being vicious and nasty to your mum all your life or you're some kind of axe murderer, then no, I can't understand why someone with 8 properties wouldn't want to help her adult children more.

If it was me personally and I had that kind of luxury, it would bring me the world of happiness to be able to offer my children a property so that they could at least live mortgage free.

I can't understand her behaviour at all.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/05/2024 23:00

There will be nobody in the world as eager to get married as that boyfriend.

Have you ever asked her directly if she could help you out?

DoreenonTill8 · 04/05/2024 23:00

Why are you on the breadline and have been for so long?

Jessforless · 04/05/2024 23:00

Is the plan that you will inherit? Or is this a mystery.

I don’t understand this. My life is for my children and I want them to have everything. I’m sorry OP, sounds shit.

Catlover1705 · 04/05/2024 22:59

That's really odd, for her to be so wealthy and not even treat you to lunch. My mum treats me to lunch and I treat my kids, that's normal. Do you have a close relationship with her?

ArchesOfsunflowers · 04/05/2024 22:59

Well not as extreme but this is familiar for me.
I live modestly, mum is on holiday monthly in a house worth a few million.
We actually have had similar careers. She just benefitted from a combination of the housing boom, an inheritance and lump sum final salaries and retired early and well.
I’ll be honest, while I’m aware there is no compulsion to share it does hurt a bit. Even a few hundred a month would change what her grandkids can access. She’s easily spent my earnings on holidays this year.
Her view is she ‘worked’ for it and she just cannot fathom it seems why I don’t work and have the same. She’ll tell me things like ‘I spent a third of my income on childcare’ for four young children, when it cost me well over 60% for one and the same job. Her house was was 3 x times her salary, it would now be around 30 times mine.
It’s in combination with a childhood though where I wasn’t the focus too, that compounds the feeling. It’s not just money. Is that the case for you?

Tourmalines · 04/05/2024 22:59

Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2024 22:57

If she has a boyfriend I wouldn't count on there being any inheritance.
.
Agree with others. Did she disapprove of any choices you made eg. of your DH, career choices etc. Have you chosen a low paying career (nothing wrong with that btw) over a high paying one she was wanting you to follow and thus has adopted a well you made your bed attitude. If none of that have you ever told her how life is a struggle moneywise and whether she is able to help?

This .

Drebara · 04/05/2024 22:58

I don't understand people like this either. The OP's mother is selfish in my opinion. And so expect most of her acquaintances etc think the same. Including the boyfriend, who is using her selfishness for his own gain.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2024 22:57

If she has a boyfriend I wouldn't count on there being any inheritance.
.
Agree with others. Did she disapprove of any choices you made eg. of your DH, career choices etc. Have you chosen a low paying career (nothing wrong with that btw) over a high paying one she was wanting you to follow and thus has adopted a well you made your bed attitude. If none of that have you ever told her how life is a struggle moneywise and whether she is able to help?

5YearsLeft · 04/05/2024 22:57

Um, do not count on inheriting a dime, even in your 70s.

The UK is not a forced heirship country, so whatever makes her look down on you and force you to pay for half your lunch while she “treats” her boyfriend, could also lead to her leaving everything to the boyfriend, as long as she’s of sound mind, and it sounds like she is.