Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

I can't help thinking there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. As a reasonably well off parent I would love to help my child, who is now in their 40's, by giving them what I could, but having had a good start to adult life, their money has been thrown away on drugs, and booze over the years. My child whilst working, is also on 'the bones of their arse', but continues to waste money on drugs and booze, and can't understand why they have nothing. I simply cannot bring myself to give them my hard earned cash, when I know it will just go the same way, and the worst part is that they are now expecting me to leave what I have to them when I die. It breaks my heart, but having worked so hard for what I've got, I simply can't do it, and would sooner give it to someone who will do something worthwhile with it, rather than giving them the opportunity to play Russian roulette with their life.

People who become rich particularly when they inherit, generally invest it and don’t spend it - it’s how you protect wealth through generations. Your life choices were yours to make and being jealous of your Mum’s situation and the fact she was a baby boomer is unreasonable, it is her life and her difference in wealth and choices on her own money doesn’t mean she does not love you. You will also inherit, but sounds like you see it as an overdue spending spree. This may be why your mother will potentially either leave you a lesser amount or puts it in trust to protect it for future generations.

I bet you're set up due to an inheritance.

We live in a house worth about £900k . We are going to downsize so our children benefit whist we are alive. As long as I have my own bedroom and reception room to relax in ,stay in the village,am very happy for the children to have everything else !

This sucks. Sorry OP.

My in laws and my own dad both have fair wads of cash, investments and capital. You wouldn't know it to listen to them. "Oh, our investments have fallen 2% this month so we've lost nearly 60k, we have to be so careful".

DH and I work hard and manage to keep a roof over our heads and have an OK life, despite the housing crisis, cost of living, etc. We'll never get on the property ladder. We can't afford a holiday. Our house is cold and my kids rooms is tiny.

They like to dangle over us the fact that we'll "be OK in the end". So, what, when we're 75 on a state pension we might be able to finally afford a deposit for a mortgage? Helpful.

My own mother died unexpectedly and suddenly at 56, having put off spending or holidays or fun for when she retired and was better off (there was nothing to inheret btw). There is no guarantee of tomorrow and I'd rather see my kids with at least enough of what they need for a secure existance now.

I've resolved not to accept a penny from them and do all I can for the best life for my kids now. I'll be skint, but no one has any power over me.

I suppose it depends. My kids are young but I would hope I would always help them out. That said, it’s fair to expect you to look after yourself at 56. So we need to understand the back story op.

That's awful. Some people really shouldn't have had children, such selfishness is astounding and quite depressing. I'm sorry to hear this.

I have friends whose adult children have failed to take responsibility for their own lives at 32 years old, my friend is still bailing her son out - and he thinks that’s her job - that she is responsible for him till she dies.

My own mum inheritated thousands off her aunt and I reluctantly asked for help when I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship for some of rental deposit. She got angry so it was basically a no. She blew it in the pub after a few years and then played poor me and asked her own mum for money who is loaded who said no.
I did laugh inside bad as that might make me, but my mum has always been so self centred. I'm sorry to hear yours is the same, I couldn't imagine not helping my kids.

@Richparentpoorchild , my word you are so entitled! You are responsible for yourself now you are an adult you should not expect handouts from mummy. My husband and I are retired but have a very good income from investments and property, our estate is currently worth about 5 million. We don’t believe our children should any longer depend on us and they work hard to support their families which I am proud to see. We would of course never see them suffer. They will inherit well one day and it pleases me that this should fund a comfortable retirement for them. I think your apparent belief that your mother should fund you is really quite dreadful.

My dad's done similar (although 2 houses, skis twice, other holidays etc)

Now he's married it will all go to his new wif,e, whose family already has a lot of wealth.

My sister and I both have low income jobs and have struggled to provide for kids. It truly is one extreme to another. He gives them £25 each for Xmas and begrudes that a bit as its £100!!! But he spends more than that on a meal out.

He doesn't take us out for meals though ever. It's so hard to fathom.

I don’t understand your mother’s behaviour. There’s zero wealth in my family, we’re working class. But I cannot imagine not sharing what we do have with our children when they are adults if they are struggling. They’re currently teens, and I dream of a future of being able to take them abroad on holiday, take them out for good food etc. If they were on the breadline, you can bet your life I will forego some meals so that they can eat. Surely that’s just being a parent?

Well I don’t understand it. My whole mission in life is doing what I can for my kids.

This seems incomplete somehow. I couldn’t imagine watching my children struggle while I’m living large. Unless they were repeatedly making poor choices.

How does the child of wealthy parents and grandparents end up on the breadline for 15 years? And why are you lunching with someone who would see you and your family starving?

I don't think theres any point in you asking for money to tide you over but if you wanted to retrain or start a business then I think it's definitely worth asking for some financial support. I think she would more likely say yes and it would help you in the long run rather than just until next pay day.

There will be so much more to this one. Why haven't you been able to support yourself? If I thought my kids would squander it I wouldn't hand it to them either.

You tell us why you think she doesn't help or has never helped?

Does she not approve of lifestyle or choices or amount of children etc?

Are your children adults ?
Did something happen 15 years ago ?

And if she said no I would probably take a hit out on her.

I would honestly say oi, mum, give us one of your houses we are flat broke.

It's obviously hugely frustrating for you OP but the fact is it's her money and her choice.

It doesn't sound like this is a recent thing, more like she's always been like this. (or at least for the last 15 years)

Do you have siblings, how is she with them? How do they see things?

And, seriously, "I know I'll inherit" really isnt something you can have any guarantee of, the way things are with her I wouldn't put any reliance on that happening at all.

I think for your own peace of mind you've got to be living your life as if you HAVEN'T got a rich relative - like most of us!

Just do what you can for you and your family, frustrating yourself over your mother's choices isn't going to help anything.

Tell us about this boyfriend of your mum's op.

Need more info op. Do you and dh work? Other siblings? Fall outs?

It’s sad, not least cos that’s how you’ll be forced to remember them - as loveless meanies.

Could you not just ask for some financial support? Surely the topic of how brassic you are must come up in conversation.

Also, if she marries her boyfriend he will probably end up with the lot (unless she's made a will leaving you something) so you can't count on an inheritance.