Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

This is not the same.

It must be awful to watch your parents being like this.

OP, it depends why you are in financial difficulty. Of course it does.

If you or your partner refuse to work. If you gamble. If you spend it on gin or fast cars or something else your DM disapproves of, she probably won't give you any money. She'd see that as wasteful. Is it something like that? Does she expect your partner to do more?

She's 80, which means she was a war baby. She grew up under rationing, so she has probably experienced real poverty. Does she actually see your situation as bad?

If you turn up for lunch reasonably dressed, and don't specifically tell her your troubles, she may have no idea. Have you asked her directly?

I agree, I don't think most would act this way. But there does come a point where even very wealthy parents stop financially helping their adult children, because they have the means to take care of themselves. Usually wealthy parents have helped their children earlier in their lives, making sure they were supported through education, with a house deposit, setting up in business etc. Did your mum do any of that for you? If she did, what has led to your current circumstances? If she didn't do any of that, then yes, she's an unusually selfish parent.

Lots of elderly parents feel and act that way.

Also for those that don't they will only help with things like purchasing housing but not the up keep and paying for education/setting a child/grandchild up in a career.

Day to day living costs are for the child/grandchild to sort out themselves like other adults.

If you'd married someone who gambles, can't keep a job or takes drugs and then gone on to make the situation worse having multiple children making the lives of each worse then no I'd not give you more money to piss away to enable a useless DH to gamble/drink/shoot up further and drag you further into poverty. If there was financial abuse I also wouldn't give more money to you to give to your DH.

If you didn't both work I'd also question why. And if you're going to say because I have a lot of small children I'd say you've made a lot of bad choices. In fact I'd struggle to find a good reason for you not working. If you've chosen not to work then you'll live in poverty. 15 years is long enough to know something is seriously wrong in your situation.

If you left your DH I'd help you. But I wouldn't pour money into a relationship of that kind.

If you look on any of the threads involving ChopinandChampagne and Lobster Boy, you'll know what I mean.

Does require more information. Did you have a wealthy upbringing with private schools and the like? But don't die wondering...ask her?

The sanctimonious response. I love mumsnet.

As long as DD is actually trying to get her shit together I would be supporting definitely. Plan is to give her a home deposit and we are nowhere near millionaires. I do want her to be self sufficient but obviously buying a home is a lot more difficult than it used to be. I couldn’t see her struggling but equally I wouldn’t be throwing money at her for nothing.

I do think a lot of parents worry that if they give their children money that their kids will never learn how to budget or graft. DD lives a pretty privileged life in some ways, very different from mine and DH’s childhood’s and I do think it’s to her detriment sometimes.

Assuming no back story or other factors you haven’t mentioned - yes, your circumstances with your mother is weird. I’m financially generous and giving to my children.

What would you do if your mum didnt have any money?
I know it seems that she should help and its strange she dosnt but you really make your own way in life and shouldnt depend on any body else. It always surprises me how many people are just waiting for their parents to shuffle off so they can get inheritance.

I think she is awful and I’d be taking her to task on it to be honest - is she generous with gifts for your children?

Is she aware of how much you’re struggling, OP? Have you ever discussed your finances with her?

My elderly Dad has no idea of our financial situation, he never has done as we don’t discuss it.

If you were raised with money and opportunity, your mother may not want to send more when you did not use your original resources wisely.

do you have a concrete plan that would change your situation, but that you can’t execute because of funding? Perhaps you want to advance your education? Have you asked for help with a specific goal or do you think she should just be helping with general bills?

Im not as rich as your mum but no Id never let my children suffer. I give my son an allowance for his son ( my only grandchild ) every month. He got a car for his 18th, Las Vegas for 21st and a deposit for a property. I take them on holiday every year, and pay for everything.

My other son is AHDD and suffers from mental health issues. He also received what his brother did but I bought him a house which he rents off me for cost and he would not have been stable enough for a mortgage.

I look after my grandson overnight every week, so my DIL and son can have a break and I'll do a few school runs.

My obligations to my children do not end at 18

Sorry you are suffering - but you may not get much sympathy on here tbh x

I think there is key info missing from your post tbh. Like why you have been on the breadline for 15 years. Also not sure i believe you never put your heating on.

That is just disgusting - I couldn't forgive that!

I don’t think that’s unusual. My parents have both inherited at least half a house’s worth and I’ve had one token inheritance from a grandparent my entire life.

To be fair they did help me with my house deposit so I’m not complaining.

I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a life of luxury while my child was struggling like this. I would help him out financially unless there was a reason I thought he couldn’t be trusted with the money such as drug/gambling addiction or massively overspending. And even in that case I would probably try to help him out in other ways rather than just giving him large sums of money. I know technically your mum isn’t obligated to support you, but I do think it’s odd that she isn’t unless there’s a reason why that you’re not saying.

Wouldn’t you rather they had some of this money now when the they would benefit most from it and you could see them enjoy it?

You don’t have to ‘support’ them but enough money for a new car or kitchen wouldn’t be a dent in your money but would mean so much to them.

I'm sorry OP, we are in a slightly related situation. We gave my wealthy in-laws the grandchildren they yearned for (DH is an only child). We work hard, never wasted money, no drugs or booze, both work full time but just can't get on the property ladder (London and DH's career is poorly paid). My in-laws are good people but they are in their 80s and own 3 large expensive properties with millions in various accounts. We (40s) are renting a small house (and possibly downsizing into a flat soon). It's their choice and they don't owe us anything, I know that, and we get by fine. And despite it making DH parents so happy, it was ultimately our choice to have children.

But now that I have I children I couldn't fathom what they are doing. Different generations I guess. But if I was sat on literal millions I would want to help my children as much as possible rather than sitting on it all until I die.

In my family and community we have always known to not count on OPM (Other People's Money).

I will never understand why parents who have benefitted from large inheritances refuse to use it for their children! What is the actual point in that? Give it to your children when they need it, not after you have kicked the bucket!

Unfortunately I am far from wealthy, but if I was, I would bail my children out in the here and now!

You are as odious as the OP's mother!

So many questions. So, your grandparents left all their money/property to your mother and nothing to you? Why do you assume you'll inherit anything in your mother's Will? (but do N.B. Inheritance Act 1975 if she shafts you).

On the surface, it seems strange for a wealthy parent to not want to help their children, if they're suffering for lack of cash, but like previous posters, I can't help thinking there's more to this story.

Why are you in such a bad situation, financially? Has your family given you money or expensive gifts/help in the past? Do you never discuss finances? Have you asked her for help? What is your relationship like, otherwise?