Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

Yes, it's really odd.

We are not millionaires but we still help our kids out. We've given them both some money for a house deposit and often give them cash gifts/pay for holidays with us/meals out.

Have you ever asked her for financial help?

Maybe this was the situation and the rich mum decided to put boundaries in place and turn the tap off. We have friends paying rent for their kids into their late 20's and then they pay for a deposit for the first house thinking that will be the end but sometimes it never stops - feeling like you are just a bank account to your kids can be quite upsetting. The dynamics in the relationship can feel like take, take, take. Boundaries need to be put in place, if this is a genuine post I'd be very curious to understand what the back story is.

I find situations like this odd too, we always help our adult DS if they needed it? Has your mum ever helped you financially in the past? Do you tell her that you are in financial difficulty? If so what does she say? Have you asked her for help? I hope your financial situation improves soon for you.

Personally if I was making millions, my kids would have also been living very comfortably. Not a chance in the world I would be treating my boyfriend knowing that my child and my grandkids are struggling to make ends meet. Have you asked why she won't help you ? Is there more to the story that we don't know ?

Why are you on the breadline? Maybe she questions how you treat money.

I had a feeling the op wouldn't be back...

By selling stuff at Christmas she doesn't realise you've struggled - this year give her homemade gifts and let her know why. Next time you are invited out for lunch tell her you can't afford it and invite her for lunch at your home. When she comes round and asks why your house is cold - explain. Some people need things spelling out for them. If you've been doing your best to mask your situation she may not even realise.

This.

Why are you on the breadline?

Could she maybe have picked up on some entitlement ? Did her wealth have a factor in your choices? Crappy choice of partners? Addiction issues ?

Unless you’re going to tell us you were a hard working teacher, nurse, doctor, policemen etc and then had terrible luck with your health or similar which had meant you now can’t work; perhaps she thinks you’ve done nothing to get yourself off the breadline?

if she’s helping others but not you it makes me think she disapproves of the way you live.

Ultimately i can’t imagine not helping my own children (even if they did make poor choices) but I wouldn’t let that stop me from doing everything I could to make my own way in life in spite of shitty parents, far more satisfying.

YANBU

Stop going for lunch with her for starters. You can't afford it!

I don't understand parents who don't do everything they can to help their DC. It baffles me.

I'm sorry your mum is so mean and unsuppprtive.

Does she pay any attention to your lifestyle?
Like does she understand how tight things are for you?
Has it ever been discussed?

I cannot understand the mentality of living such a luxury life while your child is struggling, but like others have said I wonder if some of it is a disapproval or judgement about decisions you have made? Or maybe it's the boomer mentality of just not understanding/acknowledging that she got lucky.

I wonder if writing her a letter could help? It could prevent things from getting too emotional/defensive as it might do in person.

What's the backstory here?

Are you coming back Op to answer all the questions about the situation?

DH and I have never been rich just earned average salaries; but now our mortgage is paid off and the children are adults we have the most money we have ever had.
Most of our spare money now goes to our adult children for uni/cars/houses etc and it’s the same for every one of our friends.

I think there is a lot more to this situation than you are telling us op. If you are 56 presumably you have been working through an era of relatively cheap house prices etc; so what has happened?

I have to wonder why your DM is like this. Does she like/respect your partner? Does she agree with your life choices (career etc). Did she fund your education?

My parents helped me out when I was on the bones of mine, and she wasn’t wealthy at the time. Only my dad was working, things were tight for both of them too but they refused to see me struggle. I could never watch my own DC struggle like that either, not even being able to put the heating on in winter is awful.

I know we should never expect our parents to help us financially but if she’s that wealthy I can understand why you’re upset

The law is different in Scotland.

I could never see my kids struggling if I was in a position to help but I do wonder why you have been “on the breadline” for 15 years and can only assume that you have made choices she feels don’t merit her support. Not saying I agree but maybe that is where she is coming from. Having just taken my adult kids and their families out for a nice Sunday lunch I can’t imagine asking them to contribute when I know I am better off than they are.

Not much love peace and understanding from @Lovepeaceunderstanding

😅😅😅😅

I find it hard to believe that post is real as it ticks almost every boomer stereotype in one post.

@Richparentpoorchild i honestly cant imagine living like this. Its just really sad.
it is not how my parents treated me, or how I'd treat my children.
Another poster mentioned constant bailing out. There is a world of difference between that and purposefully or obliviously letting your child struggle.

My DM and i arent perfect but we do love each other.
I paid several thousand to "fix" my DMs teeth and was happy to do so. She kept saying she wanted to do them and was saving and then never did anything (for whatever reason). It was a joy to give her something she wanted but couldnt give or justify giving herself. She LOVES her new teeth and you can see her improved confidence.
I have 2 small children she often cooks and brings round dinner or picks up little bits and refuses money because she likes to help and "having children is expensive". This is how family should be IMO, loving and reciprocal

I voted YANBU.

Your mum has more than she practically needs and could easily gift you some of what she has and it wouldn't really impact her lifestyle at all. It sounds like it would be life changing for you though. I also think the fact that she has inherited a decent chunk of what she has means that she should be more willing to pass this on to you. It isn't like she can argue that people have to earn their own way and shouldn't be just handed wealth when she was actually the beneficiary of a substantial inheritance herself.

I’m sorry OP that’s sad and if I was your mum I’d 100% help. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all.

I've no idea why someone would have so much wealth and not want their child to receive it whilst alive a d able to see them enjoy it.

Be careful OP, she may blow the lot, my dad did. We spent weeks looking for a hidden savings account/off shore account until we realised he died broke! We also discovered that he had stolen and spent our inheritances too! Money that would have made a massive difference to or lives but he had blown it all on expensive holidays, while never putting his hand in his pocket for a meal, birthday or xmas gift for me or my brother I may add!

We thought at least we'd get the house, he did offer to leave it to me so I could remain there if I moved in to care for him when he got ill... No! That was equity released and there was only just about enough left to clear his debts.

Some people just shouldn't be parents.

It is horrible and how does she sleep at night.
I would help my children and make sure they did not have to struggle and put money aside for the grandchildren. How selfish of her to not even treat you to lunch. Has she always been so selfish. Weirdly it is usually the people with the most money who are the tightest. Have a family member just the same and I also think they do not even realize how difficult some have it with the cost of living as they are living in a world of holidays and luxury. Sorry to hear she is like this and are you not close enough that you could ask her, or have you ever asked her for help.