Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

In my experience you wouldn’t want help from people like OP’s mother. If they once let you BORROW £50 they would hold it over you until the end of time, even if you’d paid them back a day later.
I have an aunt who held the threat of disinheriting her only son over him to make him bend to her will. Cousin is a partner in a law firm who once asked me to pick a charity for him to donate to each month as he simply didn’t need the amount he earns (wife was also a high flyer). Guess who is now a bitter old lady seeing out her days alone except for paid help she begrudges having to pay for, from carers she verbally abuses every chance she gets.
No- inheritance isn’t a birth right, but there are also practical ways to help. OP’s mother owns multiple properties. Why not let OPs family live there so they can save up their own nest egg.
It’s so mean spirited and she’ll have nothing to show for it at the end of the day.

We have propped them up - but they need to learn stand on their own two feet, infantilising our kids is not something we support (and we have known many kids who cannot at the age of 35 are still living off the bank of mum and dad) ...our kids have been given every opportunity and if they want a good life they need to work for it - like we did!

I wouldn't live a life of luxury without sharing my good fortune with my DC, and neither would they without sharing with me. I struggle to get my head around the hoarding of wealth and the indulgence of personal greed while those you are supposed to love struggle. It's particularly disgraceful that your mother hasn't even earned her wealth, so can't claim to be withholding it from you from a belief you should make your own way, which I'd at least have some understanding of.

I would hope she wouldn't have to. But if I had it and she needed it, I would prefer her to just ask and have a warm house and fridge full of decent food. People fall on hard times, circumstances change - hundreds of thousands of people in this country have been pushed into a desperate situation by the COL. As a parent, if you had the money, why wouldn't you help? I don't mean propping up a lifestyle they cannot afford for the rest of their lives but if your kids heads are going underwater, you have to a really cold person to just let them sink.

Would your adult dd ask you for money to pay her bills, - I just can't wrap my head around doing that with my Mum - at 80 years old I would not be asking my mum to solve my problems. How humiliating it is to not be an independent adult and have to ask your elderly mum for a handout.

She's 56 already so 52 has sailed past some time ago!

That’s terrible advice! If the OP has put up with it this long she just needs to ride it out. If she’s not prepared to ask for money, she’s just going to have to accept that her mother is tight as a tick but when she does die, she will be exceptionally wealthy. Yes, the OP might be in her 70s, but she might be 52, you don’t know. Whenever it is, she might be able to give her kids a million each, and stick 100k in each grandchild’s account. It’s worth waiting for. She could change the lives of her children and her children’s children.

Don’t cut off a mother in her 80s who is worth millions. Play the long game.

she needs to be putting money in your account every month she had you and as parents you are obligated to provide for your children. If a parent sees that their child is suffering it borders on abuse and I am not sure how you even allow her to be bi your life if she is this wealthy and wont help you. how can a parent allow their child to be in poverty. Although we bring children into this world , this is abuse. I would have a hard time letting a parent be around me and my children when they are in a position to help me but wont. more like a power postion for her having control and playing GOD.

Stop going out to lunch with her if you can't afford it. If she wants to lunch invite her over and give her the sort of lunch you would normally eat at home. Like a tea and biscuit. Or a scrape of peanut butter on toast.

Stop buying presents for anyone other than your children. And talk to them about why they are not getting lots like others get but just the one or two.

It may be painful at first but if you don't have the money, you don't have the money.

Also suggest you see a debt adviser or go on to the MSE debt free forum for advice. Sometimes others can see solutions you can't.

I couldn't treat my kids like that.

8 properties in her 80's. Jesus

I'd just cut her off personally leave her with her money.

Is anyone living in her other properties?

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She just sounds really mean tbh. I wouldnt dream of making my child pay half if I was loaded.

Have you actually read the OP's posts?

What happened to the business your grandparents gave her? Is she pee’d off you didn’t take it over and thinks you don’t deserve anything if you don’t carry on the family business?
I would have said something a long time ago, not for me but for the children.
Think I would say how lucky you were growing up that your grandparents gave your mother so much, when they were alive. Isn’t she lucky having such loving, giving parents so she could, via their wealth, give you a happy childhood. One you can only dream of for your children.
Otherwise when she brags I would say that she is being rude and unfeeling about your circumstances and possibly remind her again that she can afford these things because her parents were generous towards their children.

Rich people are rich for a reason. They’re tight. Even my electrician was telling me this week that the little old ladies and poorer people pay him on time in full and sometimes even a little ‘tip’… he apparently has to chase down the rich ones for months to pay the invoice and even then they try and haggle for his labour!!

My poor mum has been on the bones of her arse forever. Never been able to work due to her learning disabilities and multiple illnesses and really has struggled over the years. Even she would give me her last £10 if I asked for it, or if she thought I was going without. She quite often checks in to see if I need anything and she always thinks she is ‘treating me to lunch’ when in fact I don’t swipe her card- I use mine Instead because I can afford it more than her. My Nan was the same, not a pot to piss in but always giving to others.

We really don’t have much financially between us all, but there are good morals, and a whole lot of love. I work my arse off to try and give my kids all I didn’t have (not through lack of want they really just couldn’t afford any luxuries when I was growing up). I cannot wait to pay for my sons driving lessons next year for his birthday as a surprise for him. I’ve been saving his whole life for it. I was desperate to give him all I didn’t have.

As a parent you should want to instill independence in your children, but also nurture them and look after them where you can- for me this includes financially too! I’d be so upset if I had a rich family who left us to rot in this day and age. Your mother should be ashamed. I really hope good fortune comes your way and wish you luck and health @Richparentpoorchild

I think the OP will be playing the long game and hoping for the delivery of a long awaited inheritance - so demanding the mum’s boyfriend is left out or calling her out on an uncomfortable truth is risky. And that’s the thing with inheritance- it changes the way everyone behaves - relationships become quite transactional and power is unevenly distributed. Independent living is liberating for kids - being dependent on your parents at the age of 56 must be truly awful.

Do you visit her/ call her regularly?

What poor choices?

1. Working your whole life on minimum wage because you love your job.

Most people acquire skills and experience to move off minimum wage entry level work by the time they get to 40s etc. Usually where people don't there have been choices leading to that e.g.

• choosing a prolonged period as a sahp that can reset career development
• choosing not to take on more responsibility at work
• declining or failing to take advantage of training or qualification opportunities

1. Going ahead and having more children with a man who already had 4 kids with someone else, on a low income

🙄

Probably true in general, yes. The other poster hasn't answered the question yet.

sorry missed a bit

• 'over my dead body is ANY of the money I worked hard for going to give this (in that case) idle wastrel who is unpleasant to my child a fabulous cushy life at my expense'

@Richparentpoorchild

two questions

-what is her view of your husband and her relationship with him like?

I know someone who absolutely detested child's spouse (not without good reason I might add) and adopted a position of 'over my dead body is ANY of the money I worked hard for going to give this (in that case) f'. Obviously it meant that the child had no money given to them too, but I kind of see where they were coming from. If you give the child hard earned money to buy a house, go on holiday have a lovely car, the detested spouse gets a share of it too and if they divorce gets to own part of it. If you really abhor someone, it would be hard to look past that I think and just hand over wodges of cash to benefit someone you thought was a total c*nt.

• have you actually ever asked her directly for specific help/particular amount?

I would honestly have to tell her that you find her at times a little lacking in manners and thoughtfulness to go on about it while knowing you are practically on your knees. And ask her why she hasn't extended any support to you over the years. To be honest you say she's ok day to day but also that's not really supportive or ok. If she'd made some sort of effort over the years, even if it was a one off it would have been different. But nothing? Too weird.

Things have changed hugely since your mum's generation. Back then, most parents expected their kids to fend for themselves. I'm not excusing her behaviour, but it's likely she's of this mindset and doesn't feel it's her job to 'interfere'.