Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

Why are you on the breadline? The answer to this will give more information on if your mum is unreasonable.

In your position I'd ask her outrightly.
Especially with a boyfriend in the picture.

I would help my children and grandchildren unless they were gambling or pissing it up the wall

Have you ever actual discussed these issues with her? Or asked if she’d think about helping you out financially. She may just be unintentionally going about her comfortable life thinking you have no worries.

You're 56, if you haven't sorted your own life out by now, why should your mother do it for you?

OP is going to have to say more if they want any opinion, because there's a lot of unknowns. I mean, it's very different if you always had an amazing relationship growing up and now you're on the breadline because you or partner have suffered ill health and can't work or have had to cut down on hours; or if you were a nightmare child who was always shitty to your mum and you and DH decided to stop working because you figured your mum could prop you up (not saying this is likely, but unless we have more details, we can't rule that out).

What do you talk about when you go to lunch ?
How can you possibly hide your poverty from her …it must be very apparent to her.
Why would she ignore your hardship. Surely when she says how are you, you then say…I’m really struggling again this month mum and so fed up of my life on the breadline and I really need help. And then she says ……what exactly ?

You are 56 years old now. And she is 80. Why are you still putting yourself through the hope that she will suddenly become generous.

I wouldn’t be putting the extra pressure on myself of paying for a lunch out, in fact I would have stopped that years ago. I’d tell her…it’s either a lunch out with you mum or no food for the week for me so you are welcome to come for beans on toast instead but I have to warn you, wrap up warm as I can’t afford heating.

This story doesn’t really ring true unless there’s an enormous drip-feed coming.

Her money, her choice!

End.

But the Ops mother Is seeing her child and grandchildren suffer, if they are struggling so badly financially - and they could be working v hard but still be struggling. Tbh it's not clear from your post whether you would actually help your child and grandchildren if they were in this position or would you judge them for not being able to do what you did 20-30 years age (while ignoring all the economic differences between then and now that make that achievement impossible for many now)

Personally I will do anything I can to support my children and give them a leg up in life. However, that’s my choice. it’s her money, not yours and therefore her choice what she does with it. People on here are making judgements without any real knowledge of the back story and there may be a hundred different reasons why op’s mother isn’t happy to just hand over her money.
It also blows my mind that people think they are entitled to an inheritance!
IMO it’s their money to make sure they are comfortable in their old age; so they have enough to pay for the best care if they need it when they are older, and if there’s anything left over then I’d be very grateful to be so fortunate.

No sign of OP yet?

What's the backstory here OP.

Meanwhile I, who am not rich at all, am wondering how I can help DD and her partner when their (unexpected and unplanned) DC arrives soon :-(

I think they know.
How could they not.
They just pretend not to.

I would ask her directly. If she refuses that would be it for me.

My purpose is to make sure my DS and DSD have a more comfortable life than I had. I help them both as much as I can. I could never see them struggle. If I had your DMs money I would ensure that they had future money as well.

Her bf may be thinking of marriage and then you won't inherit anyway. And he can look after her.

This. She may not understand having never been in your position of worrying about money. Talk to her and don’t make it judgey about what she spends etc. just tell her you worry about money every day and is it possible she could help in anyway. Like could you live in one of her properties if she doesn’t want to give you cash.

If the disparity is honestly that large then ask her. Perhaps she thinks you’re happy 🤷‍♀️

There is also an issue of spending. My parents gave my sister a deposit for a house and then found out she had spent almost all of it going on holidays with her new boyfriends, and just wasted the rest.

She came up with an elaborate explanation that was just an excuse. They said never again.

Does she not trust you with money? I have friends in this position and their parents have generally passed on some property to them.

I could never do that to my DC.Does she know you are struggling?Maybe mention it to her.

Did you grow up in a rich household with all the associated advantages, or did your mother become wealthy later on? How did she get that money? Have you had bad luck, or did you make poor life choices?

OP hasn't responding...maybe busy but i wouldn't leave my kids without no matter how old tbh if knew they were struggling I'd give them a part living inheritance...then rest when id croaked it. The mum sounds mean and tight as a ducks arse

This is exactly what I mean about boomers not understanding, This smug myth of 'I worked for it.' Please tell her the difference. Show her the costs.

The selfishness of the older generation who got rich on cheap housing, inheriting early and excellent pensions when COL was low disgusts me. They should see what has happened and pay it forward. This isn't jealousy. I'm okay financially but too many people I know aren't.

Op do you love your mum - you refer to you mum getting money from her parents - not your grandparents, interesting choice of language. At 56 I’m really surprised you still need so much parenting. Are your children not adults now too? But they are reliant on you as well. This story is not ringing true.

I know loads of people like this. It baffles me. My sister once confronted one and managed to subtly convince her to buy her impoverished daughter a home.

It baffles me. The greatest joy of being super rich, for me, would be to ensure DC were well set up and secure in life, and after than, any other family members who needed help.

OP, could you ask her why she doesn't help? Can you explain the difference in opportunities to live comfortably, even on two salaries, these days? I don't think boomers really understand the economic shift. Post war everything was free for them: their own and their children's healthcare including eyes and dental; higher education was free and grants not repayable. Jobs had life security, good pensions, strong unions. Buying an ordinary home was cheap.

I could never see them struggling their whole lives whilst I sat on a fortune and spent lots of money treating myself to luxuries and not them
I am somewhere in between but both my children have actually said to me that they wouldn't want me to give them everything to get what they want because the enjoyment and appreciation of what they have will come from the pride and feeling that deserve it.

I totally agree with them. So far, I've helped only minimally. Both worked throughout college and university. They are both on the way to being able to afford things for themselves. I can think of many ways I will be able to enjoy the money I have earned through hard work once I retire!