Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

@MILLYmo0se , no of course I wouldn’t see them suffer. When my dad was writing his will I asked him to share what he wanted to leave me with my boys and they each received £200 K. Our younger son currently owes us about £60K on an interest free loan, we just think it does not really help our children, who are now men, to make them dependent. I certainly don’t subscribe to the thinking of many of the super rich who don’t intend to leave their children any inheritance, our son’s retirements once we’re gone will be comfortable. We have frequently been out for meals and paid for everyone and are trying to find a suitable holiday to take everyone on. If we won the lottery I would delight in sharing that with them. The money we have invested gives us a comfortable income but importantly will enable us to pay for any care we may need as we get older. I spent many years caring for my own parents and it changes your relationship as well as being a thief of your life, we don’t want that for our sons.

I can’t imagine, ever going to lunch with my adult sons and expecting them to pay for their meal. I regularly take their girlfriends out for lunch and I would never expect them to pay either, they often offer but I wouldn’t dream of accepting it.

Maybe she thinks you are financially ok? I do find it weird that it hasn’t crossed her mind to help your family out given she received help herself .
the lunches thing I’m not sure about - when I go with my dad I always pay for him. It’s small anyway in the scheme of things, the real issue is she could help you out in more substantial ways, but isn’t

That is so cruel op :(
She sounds sadistic.

Ah thanks for explaining all of that. Was there never any question of you working in the family business? Anyway, it sounds like you're better off doing the role you love, and a family with more than four children (it sounds like you had more than one after you met your DH, added to his 4) is bound to be strapped for cash unless they're very lucky. With a different mother, you could've been in that lucky position but it sounds like she's never been generous with her wealth so it's the same as if there was no family wealth, which is at least clear and you've been given no cause to bank on it or believe that there'll be any windfall coming. It's good that you have (what's implied to be) a happy marriage with kids and work that you love. The millions and the properties and the holidays might be great but if you can at all see if that you've done much better in life and humanity than she has, then you should. It's a certain kind of happiness to be swanning around fancy holidays with your boyfriend at that stage in life, but not supporting your daughter from 16 on and not even treating her to a meal now and again is not a sign of a great human. Yet she's made a DD who cares for a living and loves it. I think you win.

This is beyond me, I couldn't see a close family member struggle while I had more than I needed, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I know Mum isn't duty bound to give me anything and that's why I'd never ask.

Why would you not ask though?

Surely at 16 a gift of £500/£1k for a deposit to rent would have been huge for you.

Of course it’s her money but most parents who aren’t millionaires would try and help out, let alone ones who could easily afford it.

You say there’s no back story but there must be because else you would have asked.

Why did you move out at 16 if you were living in a big house with all of your bills paid?

i agree re the lunches. Stop going. Say you can’t afford it. If she chooses not to meet you rather than pay your half then to be honest I would dramatically reduce contact

To the poster above saying "something doesn't add up" - it does, actually. A lot of people are extremely stingy. It's not necessarily how they get rich, often that's just luck and family money, but they count every penny and look for opportunities to get or keep that little bit more for themselves. It's a gross quality and I really try and watch it in myself because it can creep in and then becomes obsessive and quite limiting.

she sounds very unkind,
do you say to her you cant afford things.
you go for lunch do you say i cant afford this

Ugghh she sounds horrible, I would stop going out for lunch with her, say you can't afford it.

I could never, ever let my kids live in a bad house if I had 8. What is the point of all that money if you don't make your kids' lives easier?

Some people are just pathologically selfish and I think their wealth gives them a feeling of lording it over others that they enjoy.

She honestly sounds like a selfish cow, don't have lunch with her if you can help it. She's awful.

She sounds like a right Scroogella. If I had that level of wealth, there's no way I would sit back and watch my child scrape and suffer.
A few questions:
Was she loving and generous while you were growing up, before you turned 16? Did she pay for any further education? Where is your father?
Do you have any biological children or are you step-mum to your husband's four?
You say she inherited properties from rich parents. How did her parents treat her growing up?
Is your mum generous to you on special occasions such as Christmas an birthdays?

i would never behave towards my children like your mum. It’s sad she hasn’t chosen to help you in life .
Can I ask was she always like this ? Did you have a good upbringing? Did something happen that made you be cut off any help ?

Strange. Was your mum educated? Did she ever have a career, make her own money?
It's very unusual for a child who comes from wealth to stop their education at 16 and start working ......

Were you banking on handouts? Otherwise why would you have taken a minimum wage job? Do you have any mental health issues? Or anything else that limits you?

Something just doesn't add .....

yanbu OP. Maybe she’s got a weird attitude about adult children should be completely financially independent, even so, family is family, if it was me, I would not or could not imagine not offering help to dc in your situation. I would say I’d be a very bad mother if that happened. She should consider herself judged as a bad mother from this MN (not that she would care).

ETA if I had a few million I’d rather gift it away to dc now and save the IHT.

It’s not how I would treat my children but it sounds like she has been like this since you were a child so I guess it was never going to change. She sounds like the tough love kind of parent. She probably expected you to work harder/differently if you wanted more wealth and since you have remained in a minimum wage job your whole career despite not having had a career break to bring up kids I guess she thinks you are content.

How is her relationship with your DH and his kids? It could also be that she is looking at it choosing to be a family of 6 and she’s only related to 1/6 and she doesn’t want her money to benefit the other 5/6. Still not a great attitude to have and doesn’t explain why she won’t even treat you to lunch.

I think you should celebrate this! You are independent and you own no one anything. I think the most important thing is that you have your own family, love is so important. The worst devil of all is the one who makes us look at others and "envy" them. You write that "She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot". You know who is going to get any inheritance, don't you?

My advice: cut her out of your life, just drop contact bit by bit. It will be so much better for your mental health. Exchange cards at Christmas and no more. You never know, sometimes when you "ease up" and "relax", washing your hands of something, that is when nice changes come into your life...

i suspect its more likely that she doesn't wish to subsidise your OH's children(unless i have misunderstood your family situation) ....if she was watching her own grandchildren struggle then it may be a different matter and a YANBU situation.

Is she generous with the kids presents?

Either, she thinks you should work hard for your money and handing over money won’t help you.

Or she’s so wealthy that she doesn’t live in the real world and doesn’t understand how money works and thinks that you choose the lifestyle you live.

I’m wondering why you’ve never asked her for money though?

If my parents were millionaires I wouldn’t think twice about asking for a deposit for a house or car.

Do you think your mum has an issue with you marrying a man with four children? Perhaps she doesn't want to subside them or your husband?

She sounds mean; with money and of spirit. My children come first and nothing gives me greater joy than helping them with money before feathering my own nest.

Just ask for some money. You have nothing to lose.
When she asks to meet for lunch, say you can’t afford.