Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

I think I agree with most of this. You made the choice to stay in a minimum paid job which obviously comes with the downside of not paying particularly well. That’s your choice but the consequence is also yours to deal with.

Having said that, in your mother’s position I would have helped you financially but I would have been a bit unimpressed if you didn’t use that help to improve your lot in life.

It seems at odds with what wealthy parents normally do - they do everything to help their children become wealthy.

my own family were not financially successful until I was an adult. They helped us get back on our feet when my DH was made redundant during the recession. we wouldn’t be as financially comfortable as we are now without this help.

We don’t need help now but they would always bring us out for dinner or bring us away for the weekend - extra stuff. My DH’s family have only enough but they always offered to help us out with big expenses- like buying a house. I will always give my kids an extra helping hand.

"Dad has passed away and anything he had went to Mum, I don't think he even had a will."

You ought to check this out. No will (depending on where you live in the UK) can mean you should have inherited. If they had multiple homes, in some countries of the UK, the widow gets the family home and the other goes to the children.

You need to first of all find out if he died testate or intestate. But it makes no difference regarding rights. You cannot disinherit children, even with a will (again, the actual details and percentages depend on the country of the UK).

I'm all for independent living and helping yourself, but you are on different economic levels.

I would definitely help my child out if I was able, I would probably sign over a few properties for you now and put some money in your bank and pay for a holiday.

I just couldn't be so mean.

I don't understand people like your mother. I find her behaviour despicably selfish. Why would you have kids if you don't want to give them the very best the world can offer?

For all that, I don't expect there is much you can do to change her. The only thing that you can do is speak to her directly. Tell her how much you are struggling. Explain exactly what would help and ask her if she will give it to you. I would do this because then you will truly have your answer - if she says no, you will know for sure that her not helping is a choice and not ignorance.

If she won't help you after a frank conversation then I truly think the only way forward is for you to come to terms with this. It will be a case of the only thing you can change going forward is your own mindset, to a point where you simply accept that you cannot expect anything from her - a sort of inverted disowning! That seems wildly unfair, but if she won't change, there is no value in bitterness or regret, as utterly understandable and, honestly, justified those feelings are. Distance yourself - don't go out for lunch with her and be very clear it's because you can't afford it. Etc.

If you were lazy/ on benefits/had a drug problem/ had been ungrateful towards her/.. i would understand. But you‘re doing an important and badly paid job if you work in care and i think your mum is a selfish and uncaring parent.

My parents are also 70 and nowhere as rich as your mum, but they‘ve offered financial aid to DB and I to buy a house without bank involvement and my father has recently inherited a low 7 figure amount in form of a farm and he‘s basically planning on giving it to his kids as soon as possible (bit difficult due to local laws and taxes, non UK) and DH and I are planning on saving it for our kids as we are financially secure already! That is how normal parents look out for their kids..

Yeah. Or maybe she doesn't approve of OP's life choices.
All of your problems are self-created OP. You choose a low paid profession. You married a man with 4 children who doesn't earn much himself, later in life. Or maybe he does, but pays 'a lot in child support'. You say they're 'your' children but if he pays so much then they should be living with their mum more, not you. So what do you have to even pay for?

What did you expect to happen really?

If you worked a minimum wage caring job, there are lots of these all around the country. Nothing stopping you from moving there and being comfortable.

I mean, maybe you made such choices because your mother seems cold and uncaring but I have very little sympathy for you really.

Also I'm not sure what 'family members' you're buying presents for. If you can't afford it, then just don't.

Bizarre behaviour from your mother, OP.

It sounds like she is either extremely stingy and selfish or she is somehow punishing you because she does not like some of your life choices.

Either ways I would keep my distance from her from now on.

It sounds she was very lucky to inherit wealth so she had not done any 'hard work' to be where she is and therefore is not in a position to judge anyone else's life...

The fact that she is generous with a boyfriend but not with her daughter and grandkids tells you everything you need to know about her character.

OP I would just tell her that you can no longer afford to go out for lunch with her because of the cost of living crisis and you want to focus on keeping the money to feed your family.

That might break through her fog of self-indulgence but I doubt it.

@Richparentpoorchild

I agree totally with @SpaghettiWithaYeti too tops..

I agree. I know financially successful but control freaky and mean people who died and are only remembered negatively 3 years on by their family. One controlled all aspects of family and threatened about inheritance etc. Dead now. All his assets sold, family moved away and not one at his year anniversary mass. Not a single one wanted to spend 40 minutes remembering him 1 year after death. Why be so mean in life.
OP, it's weird but I'm not sure how you change it.

OP, you’ve said you’d never ask your mum for financial help. I think this might be the issue.

Can you have a very frank discussion with her? Be blunt. Say, we are on the breadline, we are struggling. If you have any inclination to include me in your will, please may I have some inheritance now. Say mum, I love you, and we are desperate. Lay it all out. Leave nothing out. Know that when the lunch is finished you will have left it all on the table (so to speak).

Her response may surprise you, it may not, but you will no longer have to wonder.

I understand what you are saying but with the op's mother being so wealthy it seems churlish not to help the op out. They're family. They haven't fallen out.

I think there is much more to the story. You have made career and life choices that mean you have little money after bills are paid, but those were your choices. You also chose to partner with a man who already had 4 children to provide for.

Perhaps she thinks you could do better. Perhaps she plans to leave you an inheritance for your retirement, and is afraid you will spend it all now if you get it now.

I have a lot of money. I have adult children. If my children never pursued education or training to better themselves and made life choices that meant they would always live on the edge of poverty, I would make provision for their old age, but I wouldn't give them anything now, because I will not fund poor life choices, and not at least trying to live up to one's potential is a very poor life choice.

It is in Scotland. One third of the moveable estate goes to children, no matter what's in the will.

It's her money, she can do what she likes with it. You're both over 18, adults... your life is your responsibility.

You should ask her why she doesn't help you, OP. None of us can answer that question for you.

Is it possible your mother thinks you are doing fine? You left school and bought your own place without going to uni. Presumably you have always worked. You have a partner and a family together. I’m sure your partner works too. You’ve set up your own life, why would you need her help?

My parents are really generous but have never given me money since I was eighteen as I lived independently. I was broke at uni and I didn’t buy my own place until my 30s but I had a career. My parents are not wealthy at all but I’m not sure they would have given me money if they were rich simply because I didn’t really need it as I always worked.

OP, I don't understand why you didn't stay at home for longer and do a degree that would have set you up for a better paid career? That could still have been in a caring profession.

Maybe your mum just thinks you made your own choices and you must be happy with them?

But she an adult capable of making her own financial choices. She hasn't retrained and got with her dh who had 4 children and struggled for 15 years. It wasn't up to her dm to fund that and gift her money for a property. Many adults don't get money off their parents and have to work for it.

Unless there’s been estrangement for very good reasons, I can’t understand parents failing to help children - if they can.

I don't think the op is asking for her lifestyle to be funded but with her Mum being so enormously wealthy, a little help would be nice. I don't think the op sounds greedy or grabby. Everyone needs a bit of help now and then.

Some parents are just mean and tight-fisted and have zero idea how others, including their own flesh and blood, struggle in life.

Sadly, my own father is one of these people.

I struggle financially as I work low hours due to health issues, these health issues are wearing me down and I’m stuck on long NHS waiting lists. Going private would help me immensely but unfortunately I have zero funds to pay for it.

My parents (both in their 80’s) live in a house worth around £600k, they have £400k invested and £60k just sitting in a current account, dad also recently happen to stubble on an account he’d totally forgotten about, this has around £10k in. I know this as I help them with everything in their lives including sitting with dad during banks meetings and financially meetings.

They have this wealth mainly down to a large inheritance from my mother’s parents (both my parents are only children).

My mum has Alzheimer and I help care for her. My sister also helps out. We parents are very lucky to have both their dc live around the corner from them. Both my sister and I have ongoing health issues and my father is fully aware of this yet has never once offered to help either of us. He gives us each £400 per year for our ‘help’ and that’s it.

If I ever come into any money (looking very unlikely as mum will most likely need to go into care at some point in the near future), I know for a fact that I will go out of my way to help my two dc. All my small income now goes onto them.

Some parents are just mean and self absorbed and we just have to make peace with that (I am struggling but working towards that).

Op thanks for the updates, I think you really need to ask. I know the prospect of your Mum saying "no" isn't a nice one but I think it's worth the risk. Sometimes people are just oblivious to others' needs.

Op I really feel for you, I have to say though given the way she is with you now don't be surprised if she leaves the inheritance to the boyfriend or a cat sanctuary.

I think we have the same mother.