Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

Definitely talk to her op, she may just be clueless or there might be something you need to talk about x

Do you think she thinks that you are poor because of the decisions you've made? For example if you've chosen a really poor paying creative job maybe she thinks you've chosen to be in the situation you are so that means she doesn't feel any compulsion to help you. I guess there could be lots of reasons why she doesn't help though.

If she was describing you to someone, what reason would she give if she was telling them about why you were struggling for money?

TBH your mother sounds horrible and selfish. I would never do this and neither would my mother. How incredibly selfish. She must not realize how much you are struggling to say such stupid things like that. If I were you I would just be honest with her and explain your situation. Perhaps she could at least stop saying such stupid things to you. Or perhaps she would get some sense and offer to help a little.

I actually think some people forget how lucky they are/were and also, have no understanding of what it's like to be raising a family now. Perhaps your mum is one of them.

Also, a lot of the older generation are the first people in the family to ever "have money". I know my parents and in laws, aunts and uncles, are the first generation to have assets of any description (and these have all been acculumated in the past 20 years since their children left home). They have a huge saving mentality because they just never had the money they needed in the past, if that makes sense. (Although I know that doesn't apply to your mum because she inherited herself.)

That being said, I do think she's mean not to share what she has with you.

Haven't read the whole thread but I can't begin to understand this attitude from your mum. DH and I own a house that has proved to be a great investment and plan to sell it and downsize when the kids are adults, giving the kids a bit of money to help them on the ladder themselves.

To be honest, I don't really WANT to sell our house - I love where we live. But I couldn't be happy knowing they were struggling while I swanned around with extra bedrooms no longer being used!

I do think different families have different attitudes. My parents did similar and helped me out financially by helping me with a deposit on a flat, whereas DH's parents haven't given him a bean since he started at uni, even though though they had the means to! At one point his clothes were hanging off him because he couldn't afford much to eat...not very nice and I can't see why people have this attitude towards adult children. They are still your children - help them if you can!

I think I'd say something about her comments around spending. She's either completely tone deaf or is doing this deliberately.

Was she a shitty parent when you were young because she sounds like one now. I don't know many genuinely loving parents who would offer nothing to a child struggling financially if they were able to help.

I can't understand your mum at all.

I'd always help my kids out if I could afford it (unless they got themselves into debt through their own recklessness).

She is horrible and selfish.
especially given that she was helped by your grandparents when they were alive.
sorry I would drastically reduce contact with her.
she can swim in her money and eat it

Any chance her being gifted all she was made her feel that she lost out on a sense of achievement or pride at her accomplishments, and she's trying not to do the same to you?

I'm fully in favour of their money, their choice but, if she's got as much as you say she does, maybe ask if she might help out with something? Maybe she doesn't realise how much you're struggling?

Or maybe she has other reasons you don't know.

Yes OP it sounds odd that your mum doesn't offer any financial help.

I think you have little to lose by being blunt and saying to your mother "Would you consider gifting me a bit of my inheritance early - it would really help to reduce our mortgage/have some savings before the kids go to uni etc" but it she say's "What inheritance I'm leaving it to the cat's home" then nothing you can do.

You are making a lot of assumptions here aren't you? Nowhere in the post has OP said her mother is selfish, greedy toxic and narcissistic either.

Like I said, I personally would help my DC but people that assume that their parents should share their wealth irk me. I mean the OP has basically said her mother hasn't even bought her lunch. Like, just because her mothers minted why should she be expected to pay for the lunch? Maybe OP's mum doesn't offer to pay for lunch as she's worried OP will get offended. I mean OP hasn't asked for a penny since she was 16 apparently. Maybe the mother thinks OP doesn't want any help and offering her money / paying for holidays would be rubbing it in her face or seen as trying to control her.

There's 2 sides to every story after all. OP seems to have not asked her mother her side, or is neglecting to mention some kind of back story.

I’ve not read all the posts but all you updates.

have you not considered asking her? Not to borrow money but why she hasn’t ever helped if she can see. Then you may understand her reasoning.

and you’re by no means in the breadline. Many of us not on minimum wage have the heating off, don’t have holidays or any luxuries.

You could be talking about my Mum.

Thankfully me and my siblings have ended up doing very well (especially one of my sisters) but there have been times when we have all really struggled and have never received any help, like you since the age of 16.

She has siblings herself who are not wealthy and have really struggled over the years and has never offered any help financially to them when she easily could afford it. I remember they all got an inheritance, Mum didn't need a penny of it but took her share. I found this particularly distasteful because her other siblings at the time really needed some financial help. I know if that were me I would have split my share amongst my siblings.

All of my siblings are the opposite and very generous and we find my mothers attitude around money very bizarre and selfish. But I know people will say it's her money she can do what she likes with it, but I couldn't be like that personally.

OPs mum can give everything to charity and avoid a lot of tax.
You would be surprised of numer of people who pick this over giving to their own children.

This seems really odd. I would just ask if you feel you need some money.....for example to be able to turn the heating on during the winter. I cannot see how a wealthy parent would say no to this. Maybe she does not realise how bad off you are?

My mother always offers to help (even though we are doing okay)....but she likes to pay for things or give money to the grandkids etc. I don't ask for it, she just does it. But if I was not able to afford things like heating, I would def ask for help during the winter months at least!

Some of this doesn't make sense. I am slightly older than OP, but began renting at approx the same time. Rentals were reasonably cheap then, especially in a shared house (of which there were many) and didn't require huge deposits (a month in advance max). It wasn't really hard to save a deposit to buy if you were so inclined.

Also properties were very much cheaper to buy, and banks were offering 95% mortgages and more - hence some people ending up in negative equity.

So yes, OP, maybe your mother thinks you made poor choices and doesn't see why she sould bail you out. Did she approve of you leaving school at 16? Let me take a wild guess that she forced you to and made you move out.....?

This is awful op . Particularly as the tight dm was gifted property from her parents when they were alive so tightness obviously doesn't run in the family.

I'd ask her outright 'mum, when you were given extravagant assistance financially from your parents when they were alive why do I have to pay for my own lunch and why do you never think of treating us money wise like you were treated?'

Yes I’m wondering if your mother is just oblivious. Too absorbed in her own life to think of others and maybe thinking you are perfectly ok leading your own life with your family and home and job in your 50s.

All the people criticising the OP’s Mum - she’s really not that bad. OP says she isn’t struggling to pay bills, she just can’t afford take aways or holidays. That’s not unusual for someone who left school at 16, has had children and step children and has never tried to progress out of a minimum wage job.

It could be that the mum hasn’t realised how much cost of living has affected OP.

Maybe it just hasn’t occurred to her that she could pass down wealth early and she knows OP will be ok in the end because she will inherit.

While it would be kind of a well off mum to treat her daughter, we don’t really know the extent of her finances. Maybe she’s one of those asset rich/cash poor people and her rich boyfriend pays for the holidays.

I hope no one else has suggested this, but-
most rich people hate HMRC, hate paying taxes & constantly look for ways to minimise their tax burden. ( I give you Angela Rayner!)
Unless she is absolutely clueless about this, and from the sounds off it, I doubt she is, appeal to any aversion she has for paying taxes.
suggest you meet with her & her accountant and discuss estate planning.
the worst possible thing she could do is to leave her estate as is. 40% of her assets will go right to HMRC
if she does some pre-planning on this, including passing monies to her children before her death, HMRC gets less.
A thought?

Why are you in this impoverished position. Perhaps your mum doesn't approve of your choices and won't subsidise an adult who has a partner and a family of her own. Presumably you have had quite a privileged upbringing.

On the face of it it would be nice if she was generous financially, but you're a 56 year old woman. You've had loads of time to earn money. It sounds like you've made choices that have resulted in your financial position- minimum wage job, marrying a man with 4 dc and then having your own. Does your mum think you've made irresponsible choices?

Something a bit weird going on here.

Does she not like you?

Having millions and millions and not having given you a penny since you were 16 is totally weird.

I mean having millions and millions and loads of houses, I'd have expected her to buy you a house. Not a lavish one, just a normal one, as you need to pay the bills etc and lavish houses have ridiculous bills.

Why would she sit on all that money?

Well they do, true, but they usually have a heavy influence in the kids' future professions. Expect them to go to university, enter a well-paid profession, etc,
OP left home at 16 and worked.
It all sounds very strange.