Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

Everything has always been a financial struggle for me while my parents are living quite well, always traveling and going back and forth between their summer and winter homes. However, they worked for everything they have. There is no generational wealth, so I don't begrudge them enjoying what they built while they are healthy enough to do so. My sister feels differently and is very bitter. I don't think the OP is bitter, though. She's dealing with a situation where there's boasting which is hurtful and tone deaf. This means OP has to regularly confront the differences in circumstances.

Did you leave school at 16? Did she disagree with that choice?

Not saying that excuses it but if you’ve had nothing from her since 16 then that seems like when it started?

In your shoes I’d struggle to see her tbh. It would rile me a LOT. Pp say she has no duty to help you out but she had lots of parental help so actually I think she should “pay it forward” and I bet that’s what her parents would have expected.

Do you have any other siblings or are you an only child?

It does sound like she doesn't particularly care for you. Was she particularly maternal as a mother? Is she a narcissist?

I suspect it's to do with you having a low paid job and marrying a guy with four kids. That's obviously not a good reason not to help you out but it's likely a reason why she doesn't.

I don't think you sound bitchy, I think she sounds horrible. I can't imagine being in the position where I have money and my child doesn't and I don't help my child without being asked. Sure, my child will inherit but better for her to have what I can give now, to make her life easier now than to have her wait for me to die to get any benefit from my own good fortune.
I'm furious on your behalf.

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me?

I would but that's no use.
An inheritance is no use to anyone when they are in their 70s.
No-one can change your mother but it's very sad.
There was a thread recently from a parent wanting to give money to her DC. It was mostly lovely and lots of others doing the same. A few resentful that their own parents didn't help (therefore it was a bad thing).
We help our DC. They don't need it badly but I'd rather they had it in their 20s than their 50s.

Maybe you should just actually ask her for some money?

I'd wager that's part of it.

Do you always see her at her house or out somewhere? If so, I'd invite her and her boyfriend round for lunch at yours. Maybe seeing the reality will help them understand that your way of life is very different to theirs, and then she might consider helping a bit.

I don't think you sound like a bitch. Family help each other out. I can't imagine sitting on millions, having several home and loads of holidays while my child and grandchildren struggled to get by.

I'm sure you won't but when it does become your time to inherit remember what this time felt like and help out your children.

Perhaps the mum is a miser, an exceptionally selfish person, tone deaf and a narcissist. That could be the back story.

im a mother to two kids (6 year old and 3 month old) and I’m already thinking about how I can help them financially when they grow up. Did you live quite comfortably when you were young? What happened when you grow up?

From now on: "Sounds like you had a great night out but can we talk about something else as it's not something we're in the position of being able to do at the moment." "Sorry Mum, can't come out for lunch, I just can't afford it at the moment - you're welcome to come and have a sandwich at mine and spend some time with your grandkids, they'd love to see you." "I'm glad you enjoyed your trip, we're saving for a holiday at the moment, we're hoping to get away next year if we have no unforeseen expenses." "We're giving handmade gifts this year as Christmas has become so expensive." "I'd love to be able to see you more Mum but I can't afford the extra petrol this month."
She'd have to have skin thicker than a rhino not to be able to read the room after those replies.

Perhaps the "back story" is she wanted you to make your own way in the world. To build resilience, independence, aspirations, and have the immense satisfaction you did it yourself. So she knew you would always have those skills to take care of yourself. A priceless gift.

And it succeeded.

My most generous interpretation of OP’s mother is that she is indelibly entitled and has never once in her life been expected to share, so it’s an alien concept to her and probably hasn’t even crossed her mind.

What sort of Christmas / birthday gifts do you get, OP?

@Richparentpoorchild it must feel very hurtful.
She must be very self centred.

I would have to ask her, if I was you. She sounds awful.
I'd have to say what you've said to us - Mum, I'm curious as to why you've made such a point of not helping me out when things have been bad. Is it on principle or have I done something that makes you not want to help?

And then 'okay, thanks. I can't imagine seeing my own kids miserable when i had it in my power to make things a bit less so, and that's why I asked.'

I suppose you risk her cutting you out of the will in rage, though.

Of course there is a back story. You are just not revealing it so you get people on your side.

No, there really does not need to be a back story.

My mum is exactly the same. Now thankfully we do not need her help as we all have very good jobs. Especially one of my sisters (£250k per annum type job). However, this has not always been the case. Since the age of 16 we have had no financial help. Even at times when desperately needed no help was offered. I think many moons ago my brother had a loan for a house deposit but had to pay it back with interest.

OP - when she says thoughtless things like how much she's spent on dinner vs your monthly food budget, do you speak up?

The "when you say x, I feel y" formula is your friend here as it helps avoid making assertions about other people which they can then dispute eg "that's a thoughtless thing to say" which then easily leads to retorts such as "I can say what I like" etc.

So, "When you say that, it makes me feel sad" as a super simple example (the more accurate the description of the feeling you can pin down, the better). There is nothing there that anyone can argue with as your feelings are your truth.

I agree with a PP that there is something very odd going on with your mum's psychology which may not be to do with your relationship but rather something else she is living out through that relationship. The need to vaunt her superiority over you is utterly bizarre - one wouldn't say that soet of thing to strangers, let alone one's kin, so crass and insensitive is it - so there's obviously some weird motor driving it in her. It isn't your job to puzzle this out nor to fix it, but sometimes I find comfort in knowing that I am actually just a proxy for someone else in an interaction and it's playing out with me as a stand-in for them. It helps me remember it isn't necessarily about me and that makes me feel better.

Your mother sounds awful OP, not surprised you are annoyed. Anyone who goes on about their wealth even without your particular circumstances - 🤢.

I don’t get this either.
We are comfortable and we would def help out DCs to get started in life (they are both at uni and we pay their rent), although they will have to get jobs before we start helping them with rent if needed.
If lucky enough to be a grandma I’d def treat the GCs etc. I benefitted from inheritance as my parents died young. I always pay for meals if our w DC etc (DS is fairly well off for a student as he work for a year but I’d rather his money was used for his future).

What was your relationship growing up? To ne it sounds more of a dire case of sibling rivalry (e.g.one sister flashing wealth to another to conpensate for some childhood grievances) , rather than anything remotely looking like mother-daughter.

There is always a back story, life isn't as simple as she has loads of money and should be sharing the wealth while you contribute nothing to the arrangement.

She is your mum you must know why she doesn't help you out if you are struggling and it is likely to be disagreeing with your life choices that got you where you are today. Some of those might feel, or actually be unfair.

If you can't be honest here, I hope you at least are being honest with yourself, you do know why.

I can’t imagine treating my dc like this. Whatever choices we make in our own lives that affect our jobs and income, if my dc needed help and I had the means, I wouldn’t hesitate.

I posted upthread about my mum being the same. She does the same to us, many many years ago one of my siblings was in a pretty desperate position, had been made redundant, husband working minimum wage, large mortgage etc. My mum would suggest perhaps she could help out, give my sibling some money etc and then never did.

Like you I would never ask her for money. Thankfully I don't need it now but even when I did she would be the last person I would ask. It is not as simple as the posters saying "just ask her".

Once when I was in a shop (and doing well at the time) I wanted to buy something but realised I did not have my purse with me. I asked her to buy it for me and I would transfer the money to her but she refused.