Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

@Richparentpoorchild

could you progress in your career or do a bit of a different job op? Yeah you might not love it as much but 🤷‍♀️

Not necessarily. Tight mother might leave it all to a cat sanctuary 😬.

You mother sounds utterly self absorbed. I couldn't imagine not wanting to help the next generation as much as I could. Not even treating you to lunch sounds like she is miserly to the point of illness.

If I was that wealthy I would be even more keen to pass on as much as possible in a tax efficient way. It doesn't sound normal to me.

It is a strange situation - but you are very fortunate to know that you will have financial security in old age.

That seems unlikely given they didn't get married until she was 40 so the mother had plenty of time to help her out in the past. If she's been gifted several properties and a business, I doubt that would have caused her much hardship.

Why?

I think some people like to think they've achieved everything on their own merits so why shouldn't others. It allows them to feel superior to everyone else. Your mother has probably conveniently forgotten all the hand outs she had because she likes to think of herself as having achieved it through her good judgement and running her own business (that was handed down to her).

Seeing you struggling probably makes her feel even more superior.

It's absolutely horrible and your mother sounds foul but there's not much you can do about it. It's a bit of shame your grandparents and your DF didn't see that side of her and leave you money directly. You sound like you have created a lovely family yourself and your children will appreciate you going forward.

My dad won’t help me either. Not unless there is a return for him. He’s lent me money but only at the going rate of interest. I am not allowed to miss a payment. Even when I was on mat leave. He makes thousands out of me every year. I don’t expect a gift of money but he could easily have lent it to me interest free. He has plenty of money (not as much as you mum though!) and tells me regularly how flush he’s feeling. He won’t lift a finger to help me or my brother.

I find this very strange. I would give my kids anything and support them in whatever way they needed. I’d be glad to help them. My father is emotionally void though and also a cunt.

So not exactly the same experience but I can relate to the sentiment, OP.

My parents didn’t inherit wealth but they both had extremely well paid jobs and lots of time off during the year, only to spend through it all and end up with nothing by retirement age bar their (crumbling) house.

I’ve never had a penny, not for uni, wedding, house deposit, nothing. And they have the cheek to ask why I don’t live in central London with my husband and kids.

The only upside is that my own kids have bank accounts from birth, and no one but them can ever withdraw the funds!

OP, I think it's really mean. One of my greatest pleasures is treating my DC (late teens) the idea of them going without whilst I lived in the lap of luxury is beyond me.

Sorry Op but your mum sounds horrible ! I have an average salary but still intend to help out my DC cos they’re my flesh & blood and I want them to be comfortable & secure!

My 3 all gave a savings account that was opened at birth. A small monthly amount was saved plus cash gifts from relatives over the years. Not a massive amount but I have just bought & insured cheap cars for my 18 yr old twins. They have a couple of thousand left which will help them when they move out I though most parents did this to some extent even if it was just a few hundred pound for driving lessons , first holiday or whatever!

Couldn’t imagine being proper wealthy and not sharing with my family! Extremely mean! Most of us enjoy being generous with our loved ones!

In that case you need to ask her directly. Only you know the truth but I find very odd you are so different to her. Unless you are off the will you should get quite a lot of the estate so I would not say anything nasty but just have a nice conversation.

Why do you think she is so tight with you?

Perhaps, but it seems incredibly cruel to not help with heat during the winter and perhaps be a little generous when you can. For example if she were visiting she could bring groceries or buy other useful things.

She doesn’t sound nice at all. 💐

I wonder whether she’d consider directly helping her grandchildren, I.e., if one of your children wants to do an activity that you can’t afford, you could ask whether she’d consider funding it?

Some (self-centered) people do need a nudge to think about others. My elderly Dad is fairly tight-fisted, but he has paid for things for his grandchildren, it gives him pleasure.

'Perhaps the "back story" is she wanted you to make your own way in the world. To build resilience, independence, aspirations, and have the immense satisfaction you did it yourself. So she knew you would always have those skills to take care of yourself. A priceless gift.'

Ha yes maybe she realised getting spoilt made her a self centred greedy cow and she didn't want the same for you op.

Seriously next time you're lunching do some reminiscing and ask about Granny and Grandad and the gifted properties then say 'lunch on you today?'.

I think you should ask. Honestly I do. You never has so maybe she's never given it a thought. Maybe just a message to say you are struggling and would really appreciate some help but if she doesn't want to you understand (even if that's not quite true). You'll never know if you don't ask and there is nothing wrong with asking at all.

I don’t think you sound bitchy at all.

It just doesn’t make sense without a back story.

You’ve said she’s even offered you money but hasn’t given it to you - I would be asking her why and getting to the bottom of it.

When going out to eat, I would say I don’t have the money and ask her to pay because she’s got so much more disposable income.

This doesn’t sound like a mother - daughter relationship at all.

I can’t work out if you’re too proud to ask for help or she’s too selfish/oblivious to give it.

If my parent was a millionaire, I would not expect to be struggling financially and I would rather go NC than have her watch me struggle and not do anything about it.

Judging by your comments, obviously, YOU do not, "know that," and that is a fact 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I reiterate, its her money, her choice, end of.

Money is funny stuff, few people have an entirely healthy or rational relationship with it. Many ascribed their good fortune to some innate quality in them and view poverty as well-deserved for similar reasons.
A friend had a house gifted in the 90's that's now worth well over £1million - he is genuinely baffled as to why anyone would expect him to help his children get a foot on the housing ladder.
Another wealthy friend tells me how much his child and their partner are struggling, before moaning that he'll be lucky to clear £800k from his late mother's estate.
The only advice I would give would be to repeat Maya Angelou's: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" and not be swayed by vague promises to 'see you alright' in their will.

She sounds like a very unkind Mrs Scrooge type, and to make you pay your half when out for dinner is outrageous. I would keep contact to a minimum and let her know you can't afford 25 pound lunches. That 80 yo boyfriend who she's so generous towards might need to nurse her in old age because she's probably going to leave all to him anyway. Don't feel obligated to take care of her.

Please do not think you will inherit. If she cannot help you now when she could see the difference it would make, she is not ever going to help you. All her estate will go to the new partner so plan for your future without it.

One of the nicest, most heart warming things you can do for anybody is to help them out. I would love to help my adult kids but no chance.

Its beyond me , this attitude.

If she marries her boyfriend you most likely wont inherit at all so i wouldn't even count on that at 70.

i agree with pp who have said she obviously has issues with your poor choices. It is all well and good choosing a low paid career if you have other means, but if you dont you need to suck it up and do a job that earns more. Having children with a man who already had four he could barely afford again wasnt a good decision.

at some point, and well before 56, youve to consider your role in leading to where you are right now.

and why do you think you wont need money at 70???? Have you been paying a decent amount into a private / company pension?

I would help out an adult child who was genuinely struggling. But I have seen my parents financially support two of my siblings and it isn't good for anyone involved. My siblings have never learned to stand on their own two feet. They can always go to the bank of Mum and Dad. And my parents are not wealthy people, unlike your DM.

Is there a reason you've always had minimum wage jobs and didn't go to university?

I think next time your DM wants to go out for a meal, tell her you can't afford it.