Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

I had similar though not so stark as we have enough. We did, however have to watch every penny when the children were young and we had a large London mortgage. My parents knew, indeed used to talk about how much my brother was earning - at one stage he headed a city law firm, but never managed even Christmas presents for the children. For a significant birthday they gave me £50.

I then supported my father through a terminal illness and my mother through 10 years of dementia. I used to get quite angry, whilst sorting through their stuff. It would have cost them nothing to have passed on, say, used garden equipment, to us. Or an occasional financial gift that might have allowed us a small luxury. But no. Nothing. Ever.

The one thing I did negotiate was that I would be compensated for giving up work when she needed help. I found it bizarre that I was making weekly 200 mile round trips when my father was dying despite the fact that I had relatively young children (12 & 10) and was working full time, and neither my brother (too busy working) nor my mother offered to meet some of the cost. So when my brother phoned to say my mother had had a fall and would need me to be POA I decided that my family were not going to resent having to fund me supporting her. Financially it just about made it worthwhile me giving up my job.

Its over now. My mother spent her final years with her dignity and respect intact. I manged her assets well so the inheritance was not eroded. My brother then argued over every last penny, but he has to live within himself. Quite why she could not have been more generous is weird. Just the occasional present for the kids, perhaps an evening's babysitting which would have meant she knew her grandchildren so could have enjoyed their company as her world closed in.

She frequently asked for reassurance that she had plenty of money. That pleased her.

I think some people are just wired this way. My mum was tight as a ducks arse, had lots of money but would watch you struggle without batting an eye. Her husband, my step dad, will give you money at the drop of a hat because 'I have more than I need for myself'. It is very weird. I could not live with myself if someone was struggling while I had plenty.

This makes me cringe so hard... as someone who lost their mother recently the thought that your counting HER pennies on how much you think you are owed and entitled too and bitching that she likely wont die soon enough for you to get your hands on it is frankly disgusting.

I have no idea why OP is not sharing further

Op isn’t talking about buying her a house though . Help can be pocket money for the kids,good xmas presents, money for a holiday, buying stuff for the house or maybe a car etc Things that make life easier . It doesn’t have to be to the tune of 100s of thousands .

Forgot, also financed 2 business ventures, which failed mainly through, again, poor choices and refusal to listen to advice. And then yes, not keen to do it again- as she feels it will likely be wasted too.

why did you have to enter the workforce at 16? Did she refuse to support you in getting a better education and better opportunities or did you choose that path?

Have you asked about getting help with the children’s university expenses to take pressure off your household and give them a better start?

Families and money....my parents were the 'earn it on your own merit' and did not help me financially (uni costs, getting on housemaster etc). I don't hold grudges on it. But they did show love with words or gestures so it was never a surprise.

My partner and I are from the mindset of wanting to assist. Not big grand gestures but things like helping with learning to drive, contributing to 1st car insurance. And I have savings accounts for them which will hopefully have about £10,000 to help when they are purchasing their 1st homes.

I would like to think they know they could approach us if they get into financial difficulties.

fallen in love (not house). I mean, there is a limit, surely!

A friend gave daughter money to buy first house. She divorced and her OH got half. They then bought her a second house, and a new partner moved in and didn't realy help with finances and maintenance, etc. Now split up and has fallen in house with a new place, and needs money to buy. Friend and DH are hesitant to help again. Can you see why?

My MIL actually once stated she would rather her money went in inheritance tax than give it to us before she died. Now it’s mine I’m making sure the treasury doesn’t get another penny. I will give it all to my children before my time is up.

Even so. Our parents helped us as much as they could when we were young but weren’t very well off themselves ( no shortage of love though) so what we have is mainly off our own backs, it’s a joy to help our children when we can and neither of us could stand to live a life of luxury while our children struggled.

I voted YANBU as I am of the opinion if you have dc you help them out, isn't that your job as a parent?
I couldn't see my child struggling while I was living it up.. Not unless they had been seriously disrespectful to me, but in your case it sounds like your mother a narcissist I mean bragging about meals out etc in front of you?
In this day and age with the cost of living crisis even 2 people on decent wages are struggling.

Oh my word !
My mind is boggled by the meaness of your Mum.
Do you have siblings ?
As a Mum I am just shocked.
I grew up in a house with the most generous parents and I hope DH and I are equally generous to our dcs.

To me it’s really weird I couldn’t live like that and watch my kids struggle.

Read all the OP … why are you asking this now, nothing has changed?

why would elderly mum even think that you expect money at this point?

Mum probably thinks you are totally happy with your choices and has no idea that you have no savings and that you expect money.

Leave your mum alone. Make changes in your own life.
grow up!

What did she do to earn her wealth? Is it all what sue was handed or did she work for at least some of it?

To answer though I couldn't live like she does and watch you struggle. No. My parents are well off and we're not but I'm the wrong child and they don't seem to appreciate my life choices very much.

yes, sounds harsh- but we don't know the whole story here. Has help been given before, again and again. And has advice about choices been ignored repeatedly? And has OP and family behaved unpleasantly and unkindly on a repeated basis in the past.

I have friends who have been in that position with one of their daughters- and after giving her and partner, significant help on a repeated basis, but without any change in behaviour and poor choices- decided that enough is enough- especially as DD and partner have behaved appalingly towards them.

All of this. My parents also helped me, despite me making some very questionable choices. I will also help my children as much as I can. Can't imagine not.

First off, I'd stop the lunches.
Anything that requires you to spend money in her company, just repeat "I can't afford it".

As a child who starved growing up, I wouldn't say you were on the breadline but I also think your mother should offer to help you out. Even if it's just so you spend less of your energy worrying over finances. Have you ever asked for help?

I would put good money on her really disliking your husband. I would also not expect a bean from her either for this reason. She likely thinks you will waste money if she gives it to you, ie, not built an independent life for yourself.

Only you know if that's right - but her attitude says "you don't get the money because you have chosen to live otherwise with that man".

OP I felt sad for you reading your post. My parents aren’t rich but have helped me so much financially when they really didn’t have to, essentially sharing their ‘wealth’. I will share all I have and or inherit with my child straight off the bat, to do otherwise is unthinkable to me. Can’t get my head round living in opulent luxury while child struggles especially when grandchildren are involved.

If I was your mum you’d be getting a few houses straight off! Money does often come to you at the wrong end of your life, but your mother has more than enough I’d resent the situation too. Plus they’ll be lofty inheritance tax due in the end, surely.

This is purely said in jest;
Hopefully she has a quick and fatal heart attack. Or sudden onset of dementia, power of attorney anyone? 🤔

Keep your head up OP, you are obviously a very logical and kind person wondering why you’re being overlooked because you’d never overlook your own children in this way. It isn’t fair, she is being selfish. But sadly that’s the situation at present 😓

Oh gosh yes. " I'll see you right" Only you didn't.

What a wonderful person she was.

True. I wonder if the OP would have made different decisions about work and money if she didn't have expectations of inheritance