Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

OP, there HAS to be a reason! No parent who has an even halfway decent relationship with their children will behave like this.

Do you have siblings? If so, how is her relationship with them?

Have you made poor life choices that negatively impacted your financial security, and she feels like your situation is self-inflicted?

You write you have children of your own, how are their relationships with her?

Ordinarily i can't stand the thought of grown children thinking that their elderly parents owe them anything. However, my parents sold their business and are now very well off. They've not lavished us with gifts, but have helped us out with unexpected things like house repairs, they pay for joint holidays (the cost of holiday cottages in this country) and always pick up the tab for family dinners. We always offer to pay, but are usually overruled. They buy things for the grandchildren and are generous with birthdays etc. There is no expectation of them giving us anything. We get to enjoy visiting their big house and garden. We help them out with things they need doing. They don't lead a luxurious lifestyle and aren't particularly extravagant. However, if I were struggling and they could see that and they didn't offer to help out in some way, then i probably would feel hurt. Things are a bit financially tighter for us than they realise and i also sell the kids clothes on ebay etc to put towards gifts, but if I ever asked for help, i know that they would help if they could.

This is deliberate and it's to keep you on the hook. Look up 'future faking'.

If I have money, my kids have money, no matter what age they are.

I do get the whole mantra that we should teach our kids to pave their own way in life, but I just couldn't sit back on a few million and watch my kids struggle. If I was able, then I'd keep them comfortable for as long as I could and that's just how I feel about it - I didn't have them to watch them struggle.

I'm sorry your mum doesn't help at all - even just buying your lunch would be a nice gesture and I suppose that's the main crux in a lot of ways - it's the lack of care that hits hard.

That's horseshit.

God I hate the people that crawl out of their holes and ask questions like 'if money is important to you, why are you not rich'

It's clearly less about money itself being important and more about wondering why the person who is supposed to love you most in the world is letting you live with constant scrimping and saving when it's so unnecessary. Especially when the money for the mother is clearly not just borne of hard graft on her part.

OP I do think that if you are not going to do anything else, you should at least just ask her not to talk about money and just simply explain how hurtful it is. You're not asking for anything but you are setting a boundary and sending a clear message.

OP the issue here isn't about money, it's about love really. She doesn't seem to have any empathy or care about you full stop. Money is just one facet of it.

I’m sorry, I’d call that out. She doesn’t sound very endearing. Perhaps she shouldn’t help you with your daily expenses but helping with big life outlays would be generous and helpful in the extreme … down payment on home, holiday, car, renovation, furniture, that sort of thing.

she's being totally insensitive and a bit of a cunt really.

I couldn’t enjoy the finer things in life whilst any of my loved ones were struggling, let alone my children. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be in a position to help them out financially as I would like (house deposits, first car, holidays etc). But if I was, it would be my top priority. I’m sorry your mum doesn’t think like that op ❤️ xxx

Can you do an apprenticeship or be seconded on to a course through work or anything?

Just to say OP you don't sound bitchy, you sound baffled and weary and if anything less angry than I'd be in your shoes. No idea where all the sanctimonious comments come from.

It does sound like she's either 100 per cent egocentric and tactless, or else this is a power thing where she gets something out of undermining you. Either way, maybe minimise contact and avoid spending money to see her?

Well done for having chosen a career you love.👏

Honestly I think that’s quite awful. EIGHT properties and she watches you and your family live in poverty? I’m sorry but what kind of parent does this? There’s clearly an issue. It would be the same the other way round too - what if an adult child had a property portfolio of eight properties and allowed their ageing parent to live counting every single penny? I don’t think many people here could stand behind that decision.

Her mother probably has no idea what goes on her her darling daughters head.

Mum probably thinks she is doing fine. Daughter has a house, a partner, her job.

How can she expect her mum to know her salary or bank balance or fact she is on her ass bones??

And, what she wants money to “enjoy” life more?

And, as always, don’t ask = don’t get.

Perhaps mum doesn’t want to insult her daughter by giving - charity.

From the way you talk about not asking for anything, it feels a bit as though your relationship is based on you being allowed access to her so long as you never ask for anything. I'd be wary of speaking to her as it might be the moment she decides not to leave you anything. She has deliberately deprived you and her grandchildren and has managed the relationship so that you don't dare even raise it and believe there isn't really any other problem in your relationship. Go to therapy!

This is a very unusual situation, especially as there is no backstory.

In her situation, one would expect her to be giving as much as possible to her children and grandchildren.

Was she also mean when you were a child?

Did she herself grow up in richness or poverty?

If you have any siblings, are they treated in the same way as you?

Does you mum have autism or any condition which makes her oblivious to your plight and to her own behaviour?

Are there any similar traits in your mum's family, ie, your aunts and uncles?

Does she have anything against your husband?

You are absolutely right not to ask her for anything. However tight, you are managing.

Op is not in her 20s- but mid 50s- and that boyfriend and his children, will benefit massively from any help, whilst perhaps not contributing much. And any inheritance too.

Are you an only child? Why did you leave home at 16?

Seems strange to me but people's attitudes towards money are very decisive.
As others have said, abit more background would be helpful. This might help to understand your mum's attitude ( or it may not).
If I had eight properties and an adult child who was struggling/renting, u can be sure that I would buy them a house and provide financial support. Sadly, I have experience of family member being caught in the nightmare and sledge hammer effect of addictions. In those circumstances, I would act differently

YANBU and, in future, whenever she asks you to do anything, your answer should be "Sorry, I can't afford it".

You can't force someone to give you money or help you out, she has no actual obligation to, but at the same time it's not something I could get past, and I'd very much be keeping my distance.

Imagine having 8 properties and millions in case while there are people struggling to feed their kids. It's bad enough generally, but when it's YOUR family!! Fuck that.

I don't know how a parent couldn't help out in such circumstances.

OP you own a small house in an expensive area - and you can pay your bills. You are poor relative to your mum’s wealth but you aren’t poor. At 56 I’d expect you to be self sufficient. If money was important to you why did you stick with a minimum wage job? Do you not just suggest popping around for a cup of tea rather than paying for lunch. I don’t think it’s weird expecting adults to be independent. In my family it’s always been the other way around - we have supported the parents - rather than expecting them to support us. I think it’s weird that a grown woman expects her mother to subsidise her lifestyle. I expect my kids to become financially independent- they have been supported generously growing up but I expect them to work hard and if money is important to them - I do not expect them to look after us when we are older.
There are too many child adults expecting hand outs.

IMO unless you’ve gone off the rails and are a criminal / drug addict, there’s no excuse and she’s probably a selfish narcissist incapable of loving you or anybody else fully. The bf will only be getting treated to keep him around.

She’s a selfish woman and I wouldn’t count on any inheritance. I think people like this rob themselves of joy…you will have a happy christmas and know your children are blessed and you share everything you have with them even if its very little because you love them completely.

Have you tried to speak to your mum about your finances?

Very sorry OP I have one of these people in my life who lacks empathy and thinks money is power. Partly to do with childhood deprivation but it is miserliness. They love to tangle resources just out of reach. Do not expect the smallest of handouts or a loan or even 20p, or any concern if you are suffering, because they don't care. Don't depend on inheritances and enjoy your life within the limits of your income and do your best. It's nothing to do with money and more to do with their personality and control. They are the real losers. And all the stuff about how they are entitled, well, it was a lot easier in the 1970s to gather property wealth especially in the South East, by buying something for twenty thousand pounds and today worth millions. Many opportunities from these times have completely dried up. Most were just lucky to be there at that time no sweat needed.

These actions are not those of a loving mother and grandmother.

How shocking! I’d be surprised if you were even going to be in her will!

pure greed and cruel imo