Or is this an utterly INSANE relationship

Is your sister actually even any good at rugby? You say that you think she has a chance but what level is she playing at at the moment? – with all of this effort and input I’d expect her to be a youth international already, is she playing at county level or just club? it’s also quite an unusual sport for your mum to have decided is going to be her strength but whatever.

Anyway, if your mum has been clever enough to pull the wool so thoroughly over the eyes of social workers and the education authorities then I don’t think you have much hope of improving the situation. She’s happy, your sister is happy and I think your only option is to go very low or no contact and concentrate on your own family.

I know you and your children won’t have a relationship with them then but with the current set up it doesn’t sound as if they would be bringing anything positive to your life anyway.

You say you've always had a difficult relationship with your mother and that she's been unkind to you. Yet you seem to still be keen to have a relationship with her? She is not going to change and her only interest is your DSs rugby career. You don't sound like you like DS much either. It's clearly a highly dysfunctional family so I'm not sure why you would want your own children to spend time with your mother. For me, going low or no contact is a no-brainer 🫤

Good for you!

Get on a waiting list in that case - it'll come around quickly.

Two words of advice Step. Away.

There is nothing you can do for your sister. She has parents and school and coaches by the sound of it.

Your mum doesn’t have time and attention for you or your children. That’s really sad, but you can’t do anything about it.

All you can do is be sad and cross. And then get over it.
You have dc of your own, that’s where your focus should be, not on trying to get your mum to pick you over your little sister.

I don’t blame you, your mum is very unreasonable, but there’s nothing you can do about that. You can only affect your own behaviour, not hers.

I’d be longing for nc. Ignore them and have a lovely peaceful life.

OP, you need to drop the rope.

Your DM has some serious pyschological issues. You're right, her relationship with your sister is very weird and unhealthy. However, there is nothing you can do about it.

However, thinking about it and being continually disappointed by your mother is really upsetting you.

I'd recommend going lowest of low contact with your DM and DS. Keep your kids away from that rotten dynamic, it can only harm them.

I'd also recommend getting some therapy with a psychotherapist (registered with BACP or UKCP). Relationships between mothers and daughters will be their bread and butter. It might help you heal and feel less perplexed and confused by her behaviour.

Your DM sounds like she has traits of narcissistic personality disorder (but I’m not an healthcare professional) and that she’s living through and feeding her self importance through your DS ‘success’.

I came to this realisation about my own DM last year and have since gone very low contact, won’t leave my kids with her etc as she’s exhausting and I can’t trust her.

If you like to read I recommend the book ‘You’re Not Crazy, It’s Your Mother’ it really helped me heal.

As sad as it is for your DS, I think you need to withdraw. You are, understandably, very caught up in the drama and you need to extract yourself. Your mum's relationship with your sister is theirs and as social services / school seem ok with the set up (which I'm amazed at but never mind) there's little you can do.

At the same time, thousands of children don't go to standard school or get GCSEs and if your DSIS does become a professional player there may well be post playing careers that follow on from that eg coaching. But right now it's clearly toxic for you, so withdraw.

What's she going to do when (in all probability) your DS doesn't become a rugby professional or, also very likely, gets to a point at which she rebels against all this? By withdrawing her from school, she is also setting her up to fail in other ways too. Have you spoken to your step dad about it? What's his take on it all? I agree with you and think it all sounds incredibly unhealthy & damaging.

Your mum doesn’t care about you or your child. It’s that simple.

Just stop. There’s no relationship to save. You need to accept that or you’ll drive yourself mad.

Unfortunately I think your mum is damaging both of you too.

From your last post about policing texts, I can see your sister rebelling and going completely off the rails. This behaviour goes beyond the obsessive drive needed to compete at the highest levels of a sport.

As a side note, I knew a family who only let their kids ride their bikes to the end of the road until the oldest were about 18. Parents were so overprotective. The youngest had a baby at 16 with her sister’s boyfriend 🤣

The education of your sister would be my biggest concern. Even if she ‘makes it’ women’s rugby has only just gone professional in England and even the highest paid are not paid any kind of life changing sum and their careers are limited till they’re either injured or age 30-35. She will need a second career after the rugby! And likely some GCSEs.

My local council website has advice on reporting a child not in education. I would start there.

I'm really concerned that your sister isn't getting an education. How is that allowed to happen? As for her only going to school for social reasons - that's ridiculous. For one thing it's good for children to socialise, but what about her maths, English, science and other lessons?

Honestly, I would report her to social services and then go very low contact. Your mum is completely obsessed with your sister and sounds batshit, tbh.

Honestly I think you do you and let them ( DM and DS) get on with doing them their way.

There isn't going to be a "oh my goodness cassie you are completely right about everything and we'll change" moment no matter what you say or do, they are their own people doing their thing. You won't 'fix' your DM, not now or for past issues. And you'll only drive yourself mad trying.

From now just live your day to day life with your DC, doesn't need any drastic changes just focus on what you can control - your life. Limit contact to manageable amounts, shut down monologues about rugby with an " anyway, back to the here and now" or whatever phrase suits and just enjoy your freedom from all the crap that is your DM's decisions and choices, you're done with all of that so BE done with it. Let it go.

It must be really upsetting to see all your mum’s time and energy go into your DS at the expense of you and her GC.

I don’t want to make this about your DS but I’m wondering if she is genuinely a contender for a Team GB spot. If she is, then your DM is being supportive. But if she’s just an averagely good player, then I think she’s crackers.

There could also be an element of your Mum trying to get it right this time. Being overly invested in your DS because she wasn’t a great mum to you?

Is there a way to compromise at all? Turn up for the second half of the match and then go for a coffee/lunch/whatever.

I don’t understand why you’d want a relationship with your mum anyway, doesn’t sound like she was a good mum when you were a child, is a good mum now, or is a good grandparent. So just let it go, stop engaging!

She’s not going to change. There’s likely some psychological issue going on here (don’t know the background, maybe she’s trying to make up for mistakes she thinks she’s made or something) but it’s probably not one for you to work out.

Focus on how you deal with it and how you support your DS- like seeing your DS regularly in case she decides that she wants out of this shit-show and might like a few GCSEs after all. She may well do exactly this once the novelty of missing school wears off.

Your DM- low contact, don’t be guilted into attending matches unless you want to. If you do speak to her just say you have to go if she starts going on about rugby. Don’t engage with tantrums or social media, just say you’re busy and didn’t see her post/ message/ voicemail. Don’t expect any interest in your kids and- agree with posters above- isn’t this for the best? You can’t have it both ways, if she’s a lunatic with an obsession why an earth would she be someone you’d want babysitting?

No, you won't get through to her.

Can you accept your mum as the person she is, rather than seeking to make her change?

Your sister sounds like the golden child. You can't change the family dynamic.