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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think parents encourage SOME little girls to be

58 replies

Welovecrumpets · 04/05/2024 17:59

…quite anxious, needy and delicate?

I have children of both sexes, so have been on quite a few play dates with parents who have boys and girls. I’ve noticed that in the same way some parents dismiss their sons’ unacceptable behaviour as ‘boys will be boys’, some of the parents almost encourage their little girls to be ‘delicate’ in a way they don’t with their sons.

They rush to make a huge fuss of them if they fall over (even if the daughter seems absolutely fine), they always ask ‘awww are you ok?’ if they look anything less than totally happy, they carry them around for far longer than they did their sons, and generally seem to teach them that if they act in an anxious or delicate way they will be rewarded with cuddles and attention. By comparison the boys are brushed off and are encouraged to ‘get back out there and play’. The girls then seem to get trapped in a cycle of being a bit sullen and unhappy as they know it will be met with concern and protectiveness.

I know MN hates are stereotype so please note I said ‘some’, I know it isn’t all or even most. It’s just something I’ve noticed recently and thought it would be interesting to discuss as normally we just talk about preferential treatment of boys.

OP posts:
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AppasAnnie · 05/05/2024 09:13

This is an odd post considering this is quite a well known phenomenon.

It’s like me posting a thread titled ‘AIBU to think that men might commit more crime than women’

VerasChips · 05/05/2024 09:11

Of course boys are socialised differently to girls.

You can read decades of research into it- or you could just look around at the difference in behaviour and attitude of women compared to men, and the societal expectations of each sex and see it’s obviously true.

Women are not born with the desire to take on the mental load of family life, to earn less than men, to ‘be kind’ and concerned about people’s feelings, to shave their legs and wear makeup- any more than men are born to expect their female partners to do all these things- it is learned behaviour on both sides.

Which is why it can and does (very slowly) change over time.

MJCadman · 05/05/2024 09:00

Oh no my girls are more like boys to be honest.

Orangeandgold · 04/05/2024 23:40

I think an older style of parenting - yes. But then again I’m around parents that push their children to be vocal and confident regardless of their sex - and that seems to triumph “being gentle and lady like” or being tough if you are a boy.

These days parents want their children to be “successful” and to do well in school and that seems to have replaced the previous thinking of being girly or being boyish. Again I think this is some parents and this might just be a reflection of the parents I’m around

ittakes2 · 04/05/2024 23:13

We have boy/girl twins so we come into contact with lots of boys / girls the same age - and I have never seen what you described.

There is, however, this massive difference in energy at mostly boys / mostly girls parties - at our son's parties the boys would run around screaming and trying to kill each other, while at my daughters parties the girls would be placidly chatting and giggling.

Theothername · 04/05/2024 21:14

I definitely noticed some gender biases in my parenting, that gave me pause at times. But on this specific issue, my dd was a tough little nut who brushed herself off and got on with it. Ds needed a little help to process the big emotions. So I was more aware of the “you’re so brave for not crying” shite that gets thrown at boys.

godmum56 · 04/05/2024 21:10

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 04/05/2024 18:28

There’s a fascinating video where babies were dressed in blue and pink then recorded interactions with adult carers.

Same baby dressed in blue v pink was treated differently.

yup I was going to post about this.

thecatsthecats · 04/05/2024 21:06

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/05/2024 18:40

I was just remembering that. Pink babies were cradled and told they were pretty, blue babies were held more upright so they could see the world, and told they were a handsome big boy.

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My son is both gorgeous and huge, and hyperactive. The girls from antenatal are generally sat prettily on their mum's knees whilst he's trying to grab the cutlery and eat the menu.

MIL says that boys are like that. But my GMIL says that my MIL was hyperactive, and I was too as a little girl! He has a double dose of mental genes.

We get a LOT of gendered comments from the ILs about him.

maddiemookins16mum · 04/05/2024 20:47

Hmmm, mine is all grown now but I don’t recall this (DD was born April 2005), tbf if anything, I’d say the little boys were treated more delicately.

fixies · 04/05/2024 20:45

Nope. If anything I think it's boys who are fussed over . Little princes.

GingerPirate · 04/05/2024 20:39

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 04/05/2024 18:30

I work with age 3 to 5 and definitely there is a delicate type of girl. Usually 2 or 3 every year of about 12 girls. These types fuss about their clothes, dont like playing with boys (even gentle ones) and don't like being dirty. They usually are dressed beautifully with nice hair and talk about getting nails painted and getting make up sets for gifts. I genuinely don't know if this type is created or innate. I think they are naturally that way inclined but if they are indulged they become more that way. They are usually very quiet well behaved kids and the mothers are very well presented.

I think that's alright!

Noicant · 04/05/2024 20:19

I would say DH and I have very different approaches. You can hear us at softplay, I’ll be shouting “YOLO climb higher and jump” DH will be shouting “sit down and slide off, it’s too high”. I like to think we balance each other out.

I think OP has a point, if she’s had a big bump I’ll check she’s ok, rub the spot and tell her to crack on. I don’t react at all unless she does, normally she just scrabbles up and carries on. DH takes a lot longer to calm her down and she definitely plays up to it more, there will be more pouting and fuss. She’s an extremely robust child so doesn’t need it but I think he genuinely worries that she’ll get hurt because she seems so small and vulnerable to him.

HiCandles · 04/05/2024 19:37

Deadringer · 04/05/2024 18:13

Any of the little girls I know are as tough as old boots. I find mums at play groups or whatever tend to hover more over their sons, not sure why.

I have a nearly 2 year old son and a baby daughter. I hover over my son extremely closely because he is keen on hitting and pushing if someone takes a toy he wants or gets in his way. It's for other children's safety and my ability to reprimand him and apologise to injured child and parent. I am obviously working hard to teach him this is wrong behaviour. If my daughter has similar tendencies I will hover over her too. However it is only ever other boys who push and hit my son at playgroups, so far never a little girl. Maybe the girls only do it to the girls? Maybe the girls don't do it as much? Maybe I just haven't come across the ones who do amongst the 20 or so children in out playgroups?
OP I think you're right but I suppose it's hard to know which comes first - do the parents coddle because daughter is sensitive and emotional, or does she become like that because they coddle?

Original poster
Welovecrumpets · 04/05/2024 19:16

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 04/05/2024 19:15

Just yuck.

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Indeed 😕

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 04/05/2024 19:15

misszebra · 04/05/2024 18:05

I agree parents are over precious about girls and boys.
however I absolutely bring my daughter up differently to my son. both are taught to be kind and caring.

I teach her to be lady like and gentle.

Just yuck.

Original poster
Welovecrumpets · 04/05/2024 19:15

AllyCart · 04/05/2024 19:04

Why did you leave the key part of your question off the subject of the thread - it would have fitted?

Was it to force us to click on your thread?

Edited

I wanted people to focus on the ‘some’ because I knew otherwise I’d be accused of generalising, as can be a knee jerk reaction on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Welovecrumpets · 04/05/2024 19:14

I agree there are overprotective parents of both sexes and parents who favour one sex over another but that’s not quite what I mean, it’s hard to describe.

Take my relative who has a boy and a girl very close in age (girl is now 7). Whenever we visit the girl is always sat on one of her parents knees, being snuggled and constantly asked if she’s okay as she looks sullen or unhappy. She didn’t used to be like this as a toddler, I’m no psychologist but it seems like over the years her parents have treated her like a delicate flower that needs to be protected and she’s now fulfilled the prophecy. It’s like she knows acting in a vulnerable or sad way will ensure her parents attention whereas running off and playing happily won’t.

And I’ve seen it to varying degrees in a handful of other cases. The girls become sullen and highly strung as they’ve been shown that if they act that way then they will be fussed over and have the upper hand.

I suppose in theory it could happen with boys too but I’ve not seen it, probably because it doesn’t fit the mould of boys being tough/independent/confident.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheEntireFuckingUniverse · 04/05/2024 19:05

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/05/2024 18:42

The one I remember from school is always sitting with your knees together while the boys could sprawl as they wished, hence "manspreading"

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This. Along with bending from the knees, knees together if I dropped something. Unlike my brothers who were allowed to just bend over. Not allowed to drink a pint of anything, even soft drinks. Nails expected to be clean and shaped. Not allowed to burp or fart in front of people.

My brothers were allowed to do all of those.

AllyCart · 04/05/2024 19:04

Why did you leave the key part of your question off the subject of the thread - it would have fitted?

Was it to force us to click on your thread?

PatchworkElmer · 04/05/2024 19:04

Yes, of course we socialise children to behave in certain ways from birth. It’s sodding depressing.

Coshei · 04/05/2024 19:03

I can’t say that I have noticed a difference in behaviour in this regard.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 04/05/2024 19:00

MissyB1 · 04/05/2024 18:54

I think my parents forgot to teach me to be ladylike 😂

I was a constant disappointment for NOT being ladylike. I still am.Grin

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 04/05/2024 18:58

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/05/2024 18:40

I was just remembering that. Pink babies were cradled and told they were pretty, blue babies were held more upright so they could see the world, and told they were a handsome big boy.

Show quote history

There was a slope along which the babies could crawl. The adult could adjust it to any angle. Babies dressed in blue had steeper angles made for them compared to pink babies.

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 04/05/2024 18:57

misszebra · 04/05/2024 18:36

I was bought up to be lady like, as were my sisters, cousins. we all are very happy adults.

Yes but what does it mean, what were you brought up to do?

What does ladylike mean?

Echobelly · 04/05/2024 18:57

I haven't observed it so much, but I know there is a lot of research that suggests parents do rush to comfort girls more quickly, and tell them to be careful and not take risks more than they do boys.

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