To think modern parenting has rendered us helpless?

Because it is all supposed to be gentle redirecting. This works for more compliant children. It does not work for some children who do need proper consequences.

Time out isn’t recommended? Why not? We did the naughty step for ours. Admittedly it worked better for DS than DD who had a fiery temper when young but honestly I have 2 well behaved and respectful teens. None have given me a days trouble, they are never rude to me because we worked hard on correcting behaviour when they were little. We never smacked them at all, didn’t agree with it (I used to get smacked around the head which I felt was a terrible thing to do to a child who suffered terribly with migraines and even if it was the 80’s it was wrong) but of course we told them off and did naughty step.

Why can't you use consequences? The other tip is to use the positive version of the behaviour not the 'don't / stop /no

Eg please leave the clothes in the drier
Then strong stern voice - at his eye level so crouch down "DS I've asked you to leave the clothes in the direr or I'm going to shut the door
Then if he carries on, shut the door, game is over.

DS please walk nicely
DS I have asked you to walk nicely with me, please stay close and hold my hand or I'll have to carry you / go home.
Then do it.

Be boringly consistent, NEVER threaten something you won't or can't follow through and then follow through. Every. Single. Time.

That's the hard bit. That's why it's tough being a parent but my God it pays off in the long run. It's BRUTAL the first time you threaten to remove a bedtime story and they keep pushing - but it only happens once.

Just remember you’ll look back and smile at this in the future. I regret not having written stuff like this down when my kids were little (and all the funny things they say) . Now they’re adults we often laugh together about their antics and I wish i could remember more.

It sounds like pent up energy to me. My boys needed to get out running around or swimming or playing with friends in the park everyday . They were playing team sports by about four or five. If we stayed in for too long they’d start bouncing around and getting naughty. I can’t remember how many balls that i put in the bin ( hid) cos they were playing with them in the house, still got an ornament that they smashed and quietly stuck back together. I pretended i hadn’t noticed it still makes me smile now they’re grown men.

We had a thinking spot in our home and a timer to watch. A minute for every year of age. In your position I would have removed him, brought him to the thinking spot, explained that he needed to think about why he had been placed there and turned over his giant egg timer. When I returned three minutes later we would discuss it and ensure he understood why it is unacceptable behaviour. His behaviour will not improve without consequences … so yes it may be a ‘time out’ but it gives everyone concerned the headspace to think and stay calm.

I sympathise with you OP. Something that often strikes me when I see parents managing their child's behaviour is that it's obvious to me that they expect to be ignored. If I can tell that they have no confidence that their instructions will be followed then I'm sure that their children can as well. Not an easy or instant solution but I suggest that you channel your inner Maggie Smith( or any strong woman you can use as a role mode!) and concentrate on believing that you have this. I know it's not easy if your child is running around and making a lot of noise but try and corner them, get down to their level and believe with every ounce of your being that that the short, unambiguous instruction you are going to give in a calm, low tone will be obeyed. In the case of clothes and drier I suggest "hands down" so he drops the clothes and "stand there" whilst you deal with the clothes on the floor.

Good luck.I also think things will improve as he gets older and can understand consequences and other people's feelings better.

Agree wholeheartedly.

I like you OP, I think we'd be friends IRL

Say very firmly 'Stop that now' and physically remove the clothes from him and take him away from the drier. Then distract with something else. If you can't outwit a 3 year old, you need to up your game. You're in charge. Have clear consistent expectations and consequences and stick to them every single time. Three year olds are meant to test the boundaries, that's normal. It's your job to show him where the boundaries are and what the consequences are if he crosses them.

Another fan of the how to talk so kids will listen book and also 123 magic. I just picked and chose bits that i felt worked for me.

Is a while ago for me, but i remember one thing was saying 'please dont do that' from another room wasnt very effective, because if you really meant it you would have gone in, got down to his level and said it very clearly. I realised i gave a lot of instructions from elsewhere whilst something else had my focus.

Would a time out work though?
worth a try if you can be consistent with it.
It sounds like its so hard because once you’ve told him not to that’s it and he knows nothing will happen if he doesn’t do what you say.

What is the consequence? What does he love? Toys? TV? Tablet? You have to remove whatever works or have a reward chart and build on that - DS1 had meltdowns with time out so we stopped that and now he has a reward chart - needs lots of ticks - one for morning and one for afternoons and if he gets one x that’s ok but 2 in the week is no pocket money and 3 is no treat on the last day - it works for him and those are things he wants. We also remove tv time and tablet.

Agree with saying name first and short statements. Children can’t process long winded language at 3.

I teach 3 and 4 year olds. If someone is doing something they shouldn’t, first off I would ‘no thank you, we don’t throw sand, it might hurt someone’s eyes’. If they persisted I would use a sharper tone of voice ‘I said no thank you, let’s find something else to do’ then I’d take them away by the hand. They know I mean it, so usually all good. For those who don’t respond to that there is a ‘thinking chair’. The child sits down and we say what we’re not happy with.

I think you need to say why we don’t do certain things, some children enjoy the challenge of pushing the boundaries. But be consistent and be firm and clear.

Naughty step is horrific IMO, not for kids though - for parents. Who could be bothered with returning their kids to it over and over? The kids don't see the point in it - they're obviously not sat there thinking about what they've done wrong - it's just a battle and a waste of time all round IMO.

At 3 what works is a routine, kids love routine, lots of time spent with them reading/playing, consistently reminding them of the rules and going over them like a broken record until they sink in and time outdoors to burn off energy.

Smacking is not going to make a 3 year old better behaved, just as they already shout back at you then will just hit you back. They will also stop trusting and start resenting you. Smacking is for people who don't know how to parent and have lost all control.

He's throwing the clothes out the dryer because he wants your attention and of course he gets it. What I would do is say 'when you've put the clothes back in the dryer we can play a game of x'. If you know that's still not going to be incentive enough then I'd shut the door of the room with the dryer (with you and him in it) sit against the door and then say it. Plus be clear that neither of you is leaving the room or having any fun until the clothes are back in, then sit in silence with just the odd reminder - plus a reminder of what you'll do together when he's done it.

It takes time, effort and consistency though and THOSE are the things I think modern parenting is missing because everyone is constantly so busy. It's not smacking we're missing IMO, it's having the time to teach.

YANBU.
Children focus on the consequences of undesirable behaviour. If they are not phased by the consequences being issued, then we have no choice but to create consequences that will persuade the child to behave accordingly or be at the mercy of the child's need for approval from the parent.
Some children don't especially care for the parents approval. They don't give 2 hoots if their behaviour is making you sad/upset/angry.
Some children don't care if you remove their privileges.
Some children learn from your methods of discipline and use it on you.

There needs to be a clear hierarchy between parent and child and that is reinforced with boundaries that are effective, and which motivate the child to behave better alongside the compromising and sometimes placating or understanding the child.
Quite often, in the absence of effective boundaries, we are only left with the compromising, placating and understanding which isn't always effective.

When DD was little, we put catches/bolts up high on all the doors so that we could shut them and she couldn't open them. That kept her out of the bathroom , kitchen and utility room.

She was a child who didn't care about consequences, nothing worked with her. It was hard. Now a teenager, she has been diagnosed with Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and awaiting an ADHD appointment, although with the waiting list she will probably be an adult by the time it arrives. She has no focus or concentration and has always been like it.

You do need to stick with consequences and follow throughs though and be consistent with everything you say/do. Make sure that you pick things that you can actually follow through on. (Don't throw favourite toys in the bin as that completely devastates them and they don't equate it to their behaviour).

One thing that child experts (brought in at primary school) told me was that you need to say their name first, so you say Susan! Don't do that, rather than Don't do that Susan, as they only start listening to you when they hear their name.

They also said to give clear sharp instructions and not ramble on , so Susan! Walk! Rather than Don't run off Susan .

You can buy safety catches for tumble dryers so that children can't open them. There is another safety issue that he could shut himself or another child in there, if he is opening the door

My eldest son is also not motivated by food, toys, etc. - all he really wants is people’s time, attention and affection. Very draining as a small child, but actually quite a nice character trait in some ways. Even as a tween now, he’s not at all materialistic and asks for nothing! He wasn’t as you describe your son - he actually is a obsessive rule follower and always has been - but I was wondering if your problem is essentially the same… your son can’t be bribed with snacks or toys or tv because what he wants is to engage you in a ‘game’. Any attention is good, even negative attention. He has a sibling who is also getting your attention and I assume you’re not playing with him/interacting with him when he starts pulling the washing out of the dryer, for example? I’m a teacher and I would say I am quite a strict parent but I have used a lot of the gentle parenting ideas that I do think work well. I liked the empathy/repeat their emotions back to them rather than getting angry approach - in this case, e.g. “It looks like you’re bored or you would like to do something with me as a game. It’s hard when I’m busy with [x], isn’t it. You like it when I play with you. But taking the clothes out of the dryer isn’t a game for mummy, it makes me sad because the clothes get dirty instead of getting dry. I would love to play a different game after I have done [x]. Can you help by putting the clothes back in the dryer while I do that and then you can choose a game.” You will need to make sure whatever you do doesn’t take long, especially to start with, so that he knows that you will play with him if he does the right thing. I know it’s really hard because you have stuff to do, but I think that he is perhaps just a bit more ‘high needs’ in terms of your interaction. Maybe there are ways you can involve him in what you’re doing, even if it’s just talking to him all the time while you do it? Obviously, I might also be completely wrong and it’s not that at all!

And i would add that ultimately as your child grows you will be reliant on their good will. You can't 'make' a teenager do anything. So discipline methods which build connection rather than reduce it will sew the seeds for a connected relationship where they care about what you think as a teenager and beyond.

Have a read of How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen. It's got lots of strategies to try and is written in really accessible bite sized chunks. It gives you ways to shape behaviour without needing to resort to consequences.

Whrn my DD was going through that phase i would ask her to stop and put the clothes back, if she didn't she'd get a 5 second warning before naughty step/timeout. I would put her back on the step every time until she had calmed down (as usually she was then getting angry/upset), and then if that didn't work then it was up to her bedroom. Then once she had calmed down, we'd talk about it, and then go downstairs and tody the clothes away and carry on with our day.

Imo children need consequences, and ao many of my friends just take the easy way out with some ort of 'gentle parenting' and it still shows on their bids behaviours at ages 5/6/7

I don't think it is modern parenting I think some DC are just more difficult than others, particularly when they are 3. Yours does sound particularly challenging. I think the key is to be ruthless with boundaries, but pick your battles. Something that is dangerous to him or others can't be negotiable, but things like messing with the washing may not be worth making a big deal over.

TBH I would have approached that situation differently. He thinks it is a bit of a game - he takes the damp clothes out then you put them back in - great fun!

I would have given him a laundry basket and asked him to put the clothes in there, then feel the clothes and choose which ones still need drying and let him put them in the dryer. That is a game - but one which gets the desired result!

@Dragonboobs i think time out fell out of favour because it makes your affection and attention conditional on good behaviour, so it's considered a bit manipulative / like sulking

IMHO, even quite young children can understand actions and consequences eg if we tidy these toys together, then we'll have time to watch TV, but if I have to do it all myself, then we won't