Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

DH is solidly on my side, though I wish we’d never been put in this position. He has confronted her about it several times. She denies, denies, denies even when DH tells her he’s overheard some of the things she’s said to me and seen how she treats me. He has increasingly reduced contact. Will only visit if his DF is there, doesn’t visit MIL if he’s not. Tends to do (hobby) stuff with FIL Maybe it’s my fault for not nipping it in the bud but I’m not a naturally confrontational person. My own family circumstances weren’t ideal and the ILs presented a very solid nuclear unit, do I tried to fit in around them and be sensitive to the existing dynamic. I didn’t make a fuss until MIL tried to physically block me from taking DC home after a visit. (Actually tried to push me down a flight of stairs) She was screaming at me to get out and had to be restrained by FIL. Batshit crazy. Apparently only DH could collect HIS dc. 🙄
So, DH is well aware that she’s a complete horror show. As a result, DH has gone as low contact as possible without making a fuss about it. Not ideal but we don’t know how else to manage the situation. My mh is so much better for not having MIL in my life.

Apparently she does say complimentary things. Just not about her physicality. Where does this infer jealousy?

You are so deep, you must be at least 11.

You sound lovely OP. Paying compliments to others is such a nice thing to do and says a lot about you as a person. Your MIL is probably either jealous or just a bit lacking. My MIL doesn’t give me compliments either even though I often comment on how nice she looks. I don’t think she means it but I put it down to ignorance. Please don’t stop giving compliments. We need more people like you in the world! Women praising other women is very special.

Physical “beauty” is an abstract concept to me. Which is prettiest, a puppy or kitten, for example?

Yes it seems odd behaviour. The first time I met DHs mother she said “Bloody hell son haven’t you done well !”. My Dd told me her mum in law said it looked like she was carrying out care in the community when she first saw her with her son 😆. Neither of our partners is unattractive, the mums were just being complimentary to us. Your MIL needs a lesson in social graces I think. Sorry she’s so useless Op.

I have very similar. The only compliment ever was when I was 3 stone overweight and pregnant and about to drop!!! She said I looked pretty whilst looking like an actual swollen barrel. 🤣🤣😫

Let's all agree you are amazing and do not have to answer the question then.

Beauty, or otherwise, lies within a person regardless of how they look. That’s my take on this subject.

I honestly wouldn't care. I do them think my MIL has ever told me I'm attractive or beautiful but it's never occurred to me to question it.

Plus, she's probably rightly assumed that it's none of anyone's concern how attractive I am. Looks are a shallow, fleeting fancy of youth which quickly fade. Finding your life partner is so much more.

I don’t think there’s any such word as ugly to describe people. To each their own. Your husband thinks you’re lovely and that’s all that matters. Think about something else.

My MIL has never said a word about my appearance to me. Haven't given it a second thought ever!

It sounds like she's jealous. You've stolen her precious son from her. Ugh. Don't give her any more thought. Or compliments!

She thinks you're beautiful. Especially compared with her own ugly family. So she feels she has to continually boost their confidence.

As others have said, I think you have self-esteem issues. Why do you need validation from someone else? What's made you so insecure?

Very right on.
So you would not find your child beautiful?

I (male) strongly feel that nobody is beautiful or ugly, as it’s only the shallow opinion of the person saying it. I find such opinions to be distasteful and unwelcome.

MY FIL once stared at my milk engorged bosom, turned to BIL and said "Mr Peakygold's a lucky man, isn't he?".
Mortifying.
Sometimes it is better to be ignored.

My late MiL always used to say nice things about my appearance, tell me I was beautiful, looked lovely, etc. and commented on my hair/makeup/clothes if it was obvious I'd made an effort. Her sister (so my Aunty in Law?) is the same. I thought that was normal. My mum does this too! But apparently not so much in the alternative universe that is Mumsnet...

OP some of the things you've posted in follow-ups do make your MiL come across as not very pleasant and a bit obsessed with her son's attractiveness. So your assessment of the situation doesn't sound too wide of the mark (based on what you've posted here) to me!!

I'm sorry, I'm sure you are lovely and your MiL sounds a bit weird.

It should be titled the most naive and insecure DIL, whose insecurity is only matched by MIL.

MIL obviously can't see past the end of her nose.

She compliments son and daughter because she desperately wants to stay close to them.

She'll compliment the grandchildren, because they are a part of her son or daughter.

She's unnerved by any genetic resemblance of DIL - because that makes DIL integral in the family tree.

In a heartbeat, should any divorce happen with son or daughter, she'll be the raging banshee, bad-mouthing ex DIL or SIL.

So MIL is very petty and small-minded and insecure and doesn't have enough love to spread far and wide or enjoy a wider welcoming family love.

It's not that DIL is ugly (Who needs validation on looks from a MIL? Or anyone else other than spouse?) Willing to bet MIL is also mealy mouthed about DIL cooking abilities, or anything DIL does to support the positive growth and development of the grandchildren.

Not once in 30 years has my MIL paid me a compliment about my appearance and I’ve never even thought about it until now!

Same! I know she hates my tattoos though so it's probably for the best 😂

She might think you are very attractive and that's why she never says anything nice some people are like that when ever they feel insecure especially mothers in law , but I would treat her the same I used to be kind when I was younger now I treat as treated with respect of course but if she doesn't say anything nice I wouldn't either .

I am a MIL and my daughter in law is gorgeous, but I am not sure I have ever said as much! I will next time I see her! I wouldn’t read too much into this. We all think our sons are adorable, (but I would never say so!) and of course we can see the likeness between our grandchildren and their dads, because we can remember our sons as kiddies. Unless you have other issues with your mil, I would let this go. Some people find it really easy to dish out compliments, others not so. Please do not let this upset you.

I really hate this pop psychology view that anyone who is rude, mean, or self-centred is a narcissist. Everyone has some narcissistic traits, and many people are unpleasant or even abusive without being narcissists. Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis, and is very complex and should not be applied to people unless you are a Psychologist or have been a victim of Narcissistic Abuse which has clearly defined features.

Aside from that, it could be your MIL doesn’t like your appearance and I understand why that would bother you. Do you think you’re attractive? Because often our own insecurities can make us attach ideas to people’s behaviour that aren’t really there. For what it’s worth, I have BDD but I still wouldn’t expect my MIL to comment on my appearance one way or another. My exes mother never did, and I never gave it a thought. I would stop complimenting your MIL’s appearance though, as it’s probably clear you are fishing for compliments which is a bit much. You could discuss your feelings with your husband, it doesn’t matter if your problems might be seen as strange, we should all be able to share all our worries with our partners.