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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wants to move near us am AIBU for not encouraging her?

57 replies

sarah287 · 03/05/2024 22:44

My MIL lives alone in a remote-ish part (15 minutes drive to nearest village and 30 minutes to nearest city) of West Scotland. It is hard to reach and at the top of a mountain.

Alongside my husband she has two other children (45-58 ages) but neither have children nor anything nearing full time jobs. Her daughter would like her to move into her outbuilding and pay to do it up or to move near her in their village in Wales. It is a lovely village but she doesn’t particularly like her daughter and very much dislikes her daughter’s husband. On family occasions everyone gets on but when they’re not there she cannot be negative enough about them and is extremely judgemental about them both, especially about their size and weight (as her daughter has put on quite a lot of weight in the last decade and is 25 stone plus). Ironically MIL is also a larger lady. She is also someone that passes a lot of judgement on everyone and their situations, and frankly nothing is ever enough. As someone with a relaxed mother who never passed comment I find it quite tricky to deal with but never bite back and just say I’ll bear that in mind when she gives unsolicited advice and opinions.

The other child who is her favourite lives on the Isle of Man which his wife but there has been no mention either side of her moving there. I think because there is no NHS.

Whenever we have last seen her she has suggested moving near to us in Staffordshire. We live in a rural village and I work from home 99% of the time and the children (2 year old boy and 1 year old boy) are with a super local nanny. Husband works away 3-4 days a week around the UK so I am alone a lot of the week although my own mum helps a lot.

I really don’t want her to move nearby as she is a supremely judgemental person and spends all the time negatively opining on others or giving me unsolicited advice. However I feel guilty as she is in her early 80s and struggles to walks far and we have her only grandchildren so although I know she should move somewhere more sensible I don’t want to encourage a move to near us. She would know no one and beyond my very demanding job and children I’d have her to feel guilty about. We also live in a village with hardly any facilities and no public transport.

She can drive and walk short distances with a stick but her health isn’t great so I’m worried her care will quickly fall to me on top of everything else. Even when she has two other children who don’t work full or even part time, as I would be closest! They both own their own homes and have quite a bit of money too.

I should add her and I get on but I find being around her quite stressful due to her constant judging of others.

AIBU to not encourage her to move near us? How would you nicely dissuade her without outright saying please no?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
earther · 05/05/2024 13:28

Honestly i think you getting to involved with it all.
Let her family deal with it.

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2024 13:22

i think maybe the first port of call is to see how much she has and what they cost in terms of retirement communities - my Nan ended up a 30 minute drive away as that is what she could afford. Equal distance between you and your SIL would work - they offer care abd help as well which I think you need.

trust me seeing it done this way and then a refusal to leave until the end getting it sorted now will be best

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 05/05/2024 10:48

I'd say this is between her and her son but I would be absolutely clear to your dh that you will not be her carer or social support. If she needs support that would need to come from him so he would need to make changes at work to do so. I would also mention limitations with health care and the fact his siblings are better placed to support her

KimberleyClark · 05/05/2024 10:37

Westfacing · 05/05/2024 10:17

I agree with suggesting a retirement complex.

A friend's father moved into a McCarthy & Stone place in the West Midlands in his 80s, about 10 years ago. He's very happy, active and independent.

An aunt of mine moved into a McCarthy & Stone place. It did seem very nice. But they can be a pain to sell after the relative has died and charges still have to be paid until it is sold.

Createausername1970 · 05/05/2024 10:32

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/05/2024 10:11

Who said that?
Who expects the "female to step in"?
Why are you making uniformed assumptions??

Re "MiL's'" do MEN NOT have MiL's??

You know the answer

Now try again!

Show quote history

Nah, I'm good.

Civilservant · 05/05/2024 10:23

Y of course, agree with you @DistinguishedSocialCommentator that MIL has agency and can move wherever she chooses!

And it’s up to each family member what they do or don’t do for her in scenarios that she is no longer able to live independently. it’d be better for all concerned to discuss the latter to inform MIL’s decision.

Original poster
sarah287 · 05/05/2024 10:19

Thank you everyone. You're right she does need to move before it becomes a must move situation and I think that's why she is bringing it up. At the moment she can still drive and looks after her house and garden very well.

If my husband was an only child it would be clear she needs to move near us BUT she does have two other children who don't have full time jobs or children so are much better to live near in my opinion as they will have the availability to support her more than we can. My husband and I are the only ones with full- time and very demanding jobs as well as 2 little children.

OP posts:
Westfacing · 05/05/2024 10:17

I agree with suggesting a retirement complex.

A friend's father moved into a McCarthy & Stone place in the West Midlands in his 80s, about 10 years ago. He's very happy, active and independent.

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2024 10:14

She can’t stay where she is though the fact that you have gotten to this stage without needing to do visits is amazing. The end stages are brutal and hard and she will need some support so moving to a location that is accessible for your husband plus SIL near a hospital and a retirement comm7nity would be for her the best idea

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/05/2024 10:13

Civilservant · 05/05/2024 09:59

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator Have you read the thread? OP’s MIL doesn’t do things for her son, OP and family, and MIL’s behaviour to date has been unpleasant.

Edited

It does not matter
MiL is an adult, its her choice and that is a fact you or anyone else cannot deny.

OP, may not want MiL, "close." However, the fact remains as per my initial post here, MiL is an adult and her choice is she moves close, or to the otherside of the world.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/05/2024 10:11

Createausername1970 · 05/05/2024 09:58

If it was the OPs mother, then OP would have the most say in what happens and probably take on the bulk of the responsibility.

As it's DH mother, then DH would have the most say in what happens and probably take on the bulk of the responsibility.

Why is it assumed that the female will automatically step in. Especially when there are young children to be cared for as well.

Show quote history

Who said that?
Who expects the "female to step in"?
Why are you making uniformed assumptions??

Re "MiL's'" do MEN NOT have MiL's??

You know the answer

Now try again!

NotMeNoNo · 05/05/2024 10:10

I would just say if any supporting is needed it's much easier if they live nearby. I would encourage a move to sheltered housing ie. somewhere with a ready made social life, public transport etc, in your nearest town.

What's your DH view? It's his mum.

KimberleyClark · 05/05/2024 10:09

It could be very helpful to have your MIL living closer if she becomes infirm and needs support. My late MIL lived 200 miles from us and refused to consider living anywhere else even after she had a serious fall and broke her hip. DH was travelling up nearly every weekend to her.

Tracker1234 · 05/05/2024 10:05

Having seen the role men play in their parents care…being in hospital where a man was constantly on the phone beside parents bedside. Parent was very emotional to see son. Son then went outside and didn’t come back… I had to comfort the hysterical women.

Supported very elderly Mum at retirement complex. Rarely saw a man visiting their parent. Got to know lots of residents. It was always either daughter or daughter in law. Often resident used to say ‘my son is SO busy with work’.

In my experience of the last 5 years at hospitals and care homes. It will be YOU.

Original poster
sarah287 · 05/05/2024 10:01

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/05/2024 09:53

Another MiL thread, so sad

OP, what about if it was your mother?

True, some children, as it happens many these days only want parents close by for their needs, ie help out with GC, money etc but not when they are infirm, etc

Your MiL will do what she wants to and that is a fact.

"Encourage" or not, most people especially older people like me will do as we want.

Thank you and I'm sorry to add to it. Her and I get on well which is no doubt why in her mind when she thinks about what next. This is because though I have yet to rise to her unsolicited advice and I'm sure she criticises me as much as she does everyone else when I'm not in the room. She is quite domineering but overall well intentioned. I find her really quite stressful to be around. Nothing is ever good enough.

I do find her desire not to live near her own daughter who is encouraging her to live near her odd especially when her daughter has limited commitments in terms of work and doesn't have any children. So would be much more able to focus on her.

You're right though of course if she wants to move down to be near us she will and I can only articulate why it's not a great idea.

OP posts:
Civilservant · 05/05/2024 09:59

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator Have you read the thread? OP’s MIL doesn’t do things for her son, OP and family, and MIL’s behaviour to date has been unpleasant.

Tracker1234 · 05/05/2024 09:59

Having been the female who has supported both parents one from 100 miles away. Men very rarely recognise what supporting an elderly parent means. There are urgent work meetings to attend etc and it will be YOU doing the vast majority of it.

Yes, to retirement complex if it has to happen.

Createausername1970 · 05/05/2024 09:58

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/05/2024 09:53

Another MiL thread, so sad

OP, what about if it was your mother?

True, some children, as it happens many these days only want parents close by for their needs, ie help out with GC, money etc but not when they are infirm, etc

Your MiL will do what she wants to and that is a fact.

"Encourage" or not, most people especially older people like me will do as we want.

If it was the OPs mother, then OP would have the most say in what happens and probably take on the bulk of the responsibility.

As it's DH mother, then DH would have the most say in what happens and probably take on the bulk of the responsibility.

Why is it assumed that the female will automatically step in. Especially when there are young children to be cared for as well.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/05/2024 09:56

StMarieforme · 04/05/2024 08:19

I don't think OP is 'dealing' with anything. She just doesn't want her MIL near as she can't be useful. Might need some support.

Whereas her own Mother is useful.

You will be the MIL one day, OP. As is your own Mum. Think on is my advice. Think on.

Show quote history

🤣🤣

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 05/05/2024 09:53

Another MiL thread, so sad

OP, what about if it was your mother?

True, some children, as it happens many these days only want parents close by for their needs, ie help out with GC, money etc but not when they are infirm, etc

Your MiL will do what she wants to and that is a fact.

"Encourage" or not, most people especially older people like me will do as we want.

Createausername1970 · 05/05/2024 09:52

sarah287 · 05/05/2024 09:46

This is such a good point. My mother is a similar age and lives nearby but I'm conscious that is also another factor - there is a very high likelihood I will have 2 children and 2 ageing parents to look after and this is awful to say but my mother would come first.

Show quote history

You posted as I was typing my previous post.

Yes, as your mum lives near then this is definitely a conversation you need to have with DH now. Maybe agree you will take responsibility for your mum, with his support, and vice versa - and he must take responsibility for his mum, with your support.

Or you take responsibility for the kids and he takes responsibility for the parents. Either way, you can't do all 4.

It needs to be said and discussed rationally now.

AlisonDonut · 05/05/2024 09:50

sarah287 · 05/05/2024 09:32

Thank you so much everyone.

I think I need to emphasise the lack of good accessible healthcare where we are (which is true) and to my husband what happens when she isn’t able to look after herself or needs more help from family. We’ll be the least able of all her family to provide that with all we have going on.

My husband is incredibly good but when I’ve tried to raise it to him I think I’ve used the wrong points (it’s quite an age to move somewhere new and make friends and he has said oh she’ll get involved in the church etc). I think I need to go down the route of lack of healthcare and support from us/me with everything else I/we have going on.

Just tell him he would have to change jobs to be there for her.

Createausername1970 · 05/05/2024 09:48

stardust40 · 04/05/2024 00:25

I would be talking to dh and making it very clear that care would fall to him if she moves closer! Also if she does I would be looking at retirement flats where there is support on hand.

This is what I was going to say.

I wouldn't actively discourage it, but I would be saying to both of them, every time the topic arises " whatever suits you two best, please take into account that I won't be doing personal care or the bulk of the running around after her. This is down to you, DH, if this is what you decide"

And the suggestion of a retirement complex etc, is a good one, especially if she is new to the area anyway.

Original poster
sarah287 · 05/05/2024 09:46

Loopytiles · 05/05/2024 09:45

Yes, it sounds like you could be more honest with your H that you personally wouldn’t want to do things for and spend time with her.

And he too, with his mum and siblings, that he would be unwilling to do much.

He may, for example, assume that if she moved near you that you would do things for and spend time with her, while his working life continues as it is now. You don’t want to do that (understandably!) so IMO need to tell him outright.

This is such a good point. My mother is a similar age and lives nearby but I'm conscious that is also another factor - there is a very high likelihood I will have 2 children and 2 ageing parents to look after and this is awful to say but my mother would come first.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/05/2024 09:45

Yes, it sounds like you could be more honest with your H that you personally wouldn’t want to do things for and spend time with her.

And he too, with his mum and siblings, that he would be unwilling to do much.

He may, for example, assume that if she moved near you that you would do things for and spend time with her, while his working life continues as it is now. You don’t want to do that (understandably!) so IMO need to tell him outright.