To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

Then you ensure you were never in a position to have to tolerate it, a decision based on your prior experience. Not everyone has the experience to know before they are in the position the OP is in now. Vulnerable physically, financially and due to having children.

It makes me angry when people show such a lack of empathy and understanding for others who are in a difficult and possibly dangerous position.

You could be helping others rather than saying unhelpful things just to make them feel badly.

Thanks for asking @Grammarnut . It is a little off topic but my DS has special needs so although he is not a small child he has the mind of one iyswim...so I have to watch him every moment just as if he were a small child.

My DH is actually really good & hands on (I know quite a lot of men unfortunately aren't) but we have to give each other breaks. Eg I am more of a morning person than DH so he gets up in the morning with DS usually & I care for him in the evenings.

Not to compare my situation with the OPs or anyone else's....this is just to make the point that when you have sole charge of a dependent DC you can probably forget about having even a moment of time to yourself.

Firstly you are married. The house regardless of whose name it is in is a martial asset and thus at least 50% yours.

There is no way back for you - see a solicitor and tell him you totally understand you don’t measure up and you want a divorce and a 50/50 childcare split and do it.

NeedToChangeName · Today 11:04
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@Hopingforbetterluck many of the responses on this thread are clearly from people with little experience of domestic abuse
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But please know that this is not a healthy relationship. Womens Aid could offer practical and emotional support”

No, quite the contrary. Abused by father and brother. Which is why, once an adult, I tolerated shit from no man.

What is your point? Or are you just trolling?

OP - you’re quite right in feeling that the way he speaks to you isn’t normal. Even if you wanted to go and lounge in the bath for 3 hours the way he speaks to you isn’t normal or ok.

How does he cope if you go out for the night? Or let me guess - that never happens because he’s kick off?

Leave - he won’t change.

Again, you should be very fucking grateful that you are so ignorant of the many possible reasons.

Exactly.

This, OP.

It doesn't matter that the house is in his name, you will get half or more depending on how care is split. His abusive behaviour might also mean you get more.

You just have to find somewhere to stay till the house can be sold. Please take the kids to your Dad's, it won't be forever.

You really should have stopped after 'but'. It says a lot when a poster writes the way you have to somebody in distress. Ugh.

It takes longer than 5 minutes to shower and wash hair for most women but actually, that's a long way down the issues.

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OP, what would your dad say about your husband's treatment of you? I imagine he'd be incandescent. Mine wouldn't but I had a crap father. Can you speak to your family and get some practical help to leave?

Benefits exist for situations like yours OP. You’d be entitled to more than you think. You’d also likely be entitled to half the house. You’re not trapped.

It doesn't matter if the house is in his name.
You're married it's half yours.

Why must you? Is DS a baby? If not your DP can surely put him to bed and read a story while you shower? My ex-DH was a bit like this, what he wanted to do was important and what I wanted to do was not - hence ex. My late DH was of the mind that if he did not want to do something why should he expect me to - and didn't.

It’s not about the showering it’s about the disgusting language he’s used with you.

Excellent.

Having been in your shoes myself, I can say with some experience, your dad would be heartbroken if he knew how you were being treated.

The advice I can offer is to speak to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) on 0808 2000 247. They helped me get my head round how unacceptable my exes behaviour was and they can signpost you to plenty of other help.
A better life is only a phone call away.

That's a classic 'Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?' response. Sheesh.

On the contrary - I suspect many of the responses are from women who have found themselves in similar situations and know that it does not get better. Getting out is hard (and can be dangerous) but it is so important to do.

Once you have started to take some small actions to inform yourself of your options and figure out how you could leave you will feel more empowered and in control.

Don't resign yourself to this life. You can have a better future. Find the strength inside yourself. You have it in you to change this.

As you are married you have more rights. If you are on a low income you will qualify for universal credit. Your options aren't as limited or as hopeless as you are imagining them to be. You need to get some advice. Contact charities and citizens advice. Use some online calculators to see what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent.

You really need to speak to a lawyer. Contact some family law firms locally. They may offer an initial consultation for free. Then you will understand your position with regard to the house and finances.

If my DH had said "a real woman would..." anything, my first response would have been "a real man would have his wife's back. As you're not one, get out of my face".

Please don't say this. But I'd leave him and never have anything else to do with him. He sounds like a piece of shit. Let a solicitor sort out the divorce.

I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. It would be the end for me.

You should get down on your knees and thank God that you have to ask this question rather than knowing the answer.

Of course it isn't simple to leave, that doesn't mean you should stay with an abuser. You need to think longer term. This relationship sounds doomed. The impact on your mental and physical health of staying in this relationship long term might be devastating. Short term upheaval is worth it to eliminate long term damage to both you and your children.

Finances are also no reason to stay with an abuser. Have a good look at your finances and what support you may be entitled to as a single parent. Make a budget and see how to make it work. I can guarantee there are single parents managing on less. You can't put a price on your own wellbeing. Happy mum, happy children.

As for not wanting the children left alone with your husband, does that mean he is never ever alone with your children at the moment without you keeping an eye on him? He sounds like a shit dad as well as an abusive partner. Document everything he does as evidence. If you can prove that he is not fit to have the children without supervision then contact via a contact centre is a possibility. It's not a given that he will have them overnight. He will also have to pay you child maintenance. If he's as lazy and selfish as he sounds there's a good chance he won't even want much time with the children after you split.

Don't stay in an abusive relationship because of hypothetical consequences of splitting up. Just address the real world consequences of remaining with him - for both you and your children. This type of dynamic between parents is incredibly damaging to your children.