To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

GingerPirate

So it seems. I suspect with some people who have no personal experience.

LEAVE the bugger!!

My DP is FAR from perfect and we are currently talking through things to see what we can do so I am happier or we split HOWEVER today he has taken LOs out from 10 and wont be back until 3. In the mean time I have slept, dont some online shopping, gone for a walk and an hours or so cleaning. Balance is important. He can do the tea simply because you do it most nights, hair wash needed or not

Also, tell someone in real life. You don’t have to go into detail, just that things are difficult and he’s not kind when you need help.

It really doesn't matter what you believe or don't but you've said your piece, it's upsetting to read and incorrect in assumptions you've made. Every 'case' is different with so many variables.

OP isn't responsible for what is happening to her and she's the one needing support on her thread so I'm going to leave it there.

No worries, Mrs. White, you certainly have
a point.
Some opinions are less popular than others,
mine too (in relation to threads like these).

You can start laying groundwork to leave even if you are not convinced you can or ever will do so. One step at a time, you can make it easier in case you decide you must do it. I think the phone call to women’s aid to gather info is a really good first step.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I’m sorry but I can’t help but blame SOME women when they continue to bring children into a terrible situation when they do have the ability to prevent it. I’ve witnessed it myself.
Of course others don’t have the option. I find it very difficult to believe, though, that someone who is able to access and post on the internet freely without interference from an abusive partner is in that category.

I wouldn't worry about that. He won't want them soon enough. But you have to leave. Don't kid yourself you are doing right by them by giving them a family home nor that you have no choices as you aren't and you do.

AliceOlive
I think you should step back here, but that’s just my opinion. I’m not going to derail this thread by engaging with you further on the topic and making it about you.”

I don’t agree with you so I have to step back.
How dare you? I hope you don’t treat your partner that way.

I shall ask again, though you are not of course obliged to reply. Have you experienced domestic abuse?

Yes, and also rape. It's fine for you to be angry MrsSkylerWhite, so many of us are. It's not fine for you to post dismissively and almost blame other women for the children they have and the situation they are in. If you don't understand that many of these situations are not of women's making or agreement, then you don't.

@MrsSkylerWhite you do realise how little say victims of domestic abuse have don't you? It's incredibly common for abusers to firstly insist on sex (rape through coercion) and then refuse to wear a condom because children make it even harder to leave. And when women are most likely to be murdered when they start making plans to leave its understandable why many don't feel able to do that safely. Not exactly what I'd call 'entirely avoidable.

Yes @Lavender14 , I do, thank you. Witnessed/listened to my mother being raped, beaten, coerced almost
daily for 10 years. Don’t wish to recount my personal experiences.
She was unable to access contraception.
Anyone now who has the freedom to post on social media - my mother was not allowed to use the house telephone/watch television/listen to radio unless my father listened/approved the programme - is highly likely to have the ability to access personal contraception.

You said you were angry.

Telling a person who already has children that contraception is free is the opposite of helpful. You know nothing about how anyone else was experiencing life or partnership before pregnancy. Or how they became pregnant.

I think you should step back here, but that’s just my opinion. I’m not going to derail this thread by engaging with you further on the topic and making it about you.

madameparis
So you’d rather that you were never born and never existed”

Now, no. Have had a lovely life with a wonderful husband and children/grandchild. As a child, yes, absolutely. Frequently.

I have very long hair. I can shower in five minutes but it takes half an hour if I'm washing my hair as well. It takes well over five minutes just for the conditioner.

Sorry, how am I taking anything out on others?

I have the right to be angry. Oh, thank you so much! Do you realise how patronising you are? I’m not angry, generally as it happens. My life is lovely. Just with people who continue to knowingly make poor choices like bringing further children into an already bad situation.

If OP has the freedom to post on social media (which my mother would not have been allowed were it available back then), she has the freedom to access contraception. To bring a second child into an already dangerous situation is absolutely purposefully making life more difficult for herself.

My opinion is different to yours but equally valid.
Have you been subjected to domestic violence?

So you’d rather that you were never born and never existed?

@MrsSkylerWhite you do realise how little say victims of domestic abuse have don't you? It's incredibly common for abusers to firstly insist on sex (rape through coercion) and then refuse to wear a condom because children make it even harder to leave. And when women are most likely to be murdered when they start making plans to leave its understandable why many don't feel able to do that safely. Not exactly what I'd call 'entirely avoidable'.

No one purposely puts themselves in this situation. You have a right to be angry. No right to take it out on others, though and we cannot help anyone using anger to do so.

@MonsterMunched I have really long thick hair. A body wash takes a couple of minutes but to wash my hair and then dry it takes much longer than 5 minutes. The problem here isn't ops time management or lack of showering fast enough. It's her dickhead dh putting all responsibility on op so she doesn't have a chance. Meanwhile he can sit back and twiddle his thumbs because this all serves his needs and noone else's. Making out that its about the time taken to shower is exactly what he's doing to gaslight her into avoiding the fact he's abusing her. Worrying that you felt the need to join in with him.

Op please get support from women's aid and leave him. This isn't any way to live and he doesn't deserve you and all that you do. He's abusive and the responsibility for that rests on his shoulders and noone else's. Can you stay with family for a bit or get the locks changed while he's at work or out for a bit? Get someone to be there when he returns so you don't feel the need to deal with him? Do you have access to your own money that he can't access and is the house in your name? I would find a good solicitor who specialises in family law and is familiar with domestic abuse and have a good chat with them about your options.

AliceOlive

“It makes me angry when people show such a lack of empathy and understanding for others who are in a difficult and possibly dangerous position.”

It makes me angry when people continue to bring children into abusive relationships. Contraception is free.

My young life was hell because my mother, knowing my father was abusive, went on to have me when she and my older brother were already in constant danger.

It is entirely avoidable.

One of the reasons I think a man would act like this is because he simply feels he can. That’s why it starts after a woman is pregnant. They intuitively understand the vulnerability. A good man wants to protect a vulnerable woman. The other kind feels the power imbalance and is emboldened to abusive behavior.

Until you figure out what you want to do, I’d treat it like a job. Don’t show him any vulnerability. Find other ways to get your needs met because he is unwilling and unable to be a partner.

Ultimately, I hope you find a way to leave. It’s no life and it will impact your children.

If mine said these words to me he would be out the door.

Two issues. One that you are clearly being abused and secondly someone that is so run ragged that they have no time for personal care is completely unacceptable position to be put in for most people.

Consider your options op, get some counselling and support 💐

Totally agree, AliceOlive and it's just so dismissive and unnecessary to respond without any understanding of how it is for other people. No two situations are ever identical.