To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

Any man who called me one of those names would be in so much fucking trouble with me.
Sure, unless you were in the same state as the OP. Is it so difficult to understand state of mind and how you might handle this if you were in that mindset and not your own?

This language is just horrible. I would feel so degraded if I was spoken to like that,
Totally agree with you.

and I would lose it.
Not if you were in the OP's circumstances you wouldn't.

Edited because my bolding went very wrong.

Any man who called me one of those names would be in so much f*cking trouble with me.

This language is just horrible. I would feel so degraded if I was spoken to like that, and I would lose it.

I’m sorry, but you need to leave him. You will get half of everything, maintenance and UC, and it’s better to be skint, than abused.

Don't ever think you can't leave. Get in touch with Women's Aid, they'll help you get out and housed with the Council or Housing Association, claim Universal Credit etc.

Don't allow your children to be brought up in an abusive household or you'll be setting them up for a lifetime of mental health problems and be drawn towards having abusive men as their husbands (assuming kids are DD's!).

This ^

He is terrible and abusive. You know that.
But also you don't seem to accept responsibility of your own life and would rather engage in this tug of war.
Because if a person wants to do something that minor (wash hair). They will do it.

OP you have my greatest sympathy. Please take everyone's advice and leave this man. Your father would be more heartbroken by an abused daughter than by a divorce, honestly.

It doesn't matter. You have DCs and you are in an abusive relationship. It is likely you will get the house for the duration of your DC's dependency i.e. till the youngest is 18 - though personally I'd want to leave and have my share of the house plus the maintenance he will be forced to pay, and get somewhere of my own. He is a nasty, nasty person and you deserve better. Talk to Women's Aid, or to a local organisation that helps abused women and make preparations to leave him before his abuse inevitably gets worse. What a twat he is, too. There are much, much nicer men.

no husband should be swearing like this to their wife, and he expects his tea on the table?!- it’s not the 1950’s, sexist pig! To be annoyed that you want a shower?! I’m sorry but your husband sounds very controlling and bad tempered. You need to stand up for yourself, let him cook his own bloody tea, you’re not his mother, he can spare 30 mins! You need to either sit down and have a serious conversation about his behaviour, maybe go to counselling or to be quite honest leave- I would never put up with that behaviour from my husband

@Hopingforbetterluck

"Unfortunately it’s very real. It didn’t start out
quite so bad but has got steadily worse since my first pregnancy."

This is a common theme with abusers OP.
Once they have you trapped, they crank it up. Pregnancy comes up time and again on these threads.

It's not about the shower, it's about him being slightly inconvenienced by you having a shower rather than fixing his dinner. Because he's far too important to make it.

By treating you like this he is conditioning you to put whatever needs or wants you have last and only if he is truly satisfied.

So he's the boss of you. He's also a baby throwing a tantrum. It's very unattractive even without the abuse.

I'd get rid of him. No one would speak to me like this.

Hi lovely. Sorry you’re going through this. Just to reassure you, if you’re married it doesn’t matter at all the house is solely in his name, it’s legally considered a joint asset and you have right to a minimum of 50% of its value (family lawyer here 👋) So please don’t let this fear stop you making decisions. As long as you’re married you’re entitled to quote a lot… x

Don't put up with that treatment. That's seriously horrendous behaviour, i hope you know that.

GameOfJones · Today 14:24
You do have a choice. And at the moment you are choosing to allow your children to grow up in an abusive home.
**
I know it is difficult, and scary, and unknown but this is clear cut. You cannot allow your children to continue to be damaged by what they will be witnessing and overhearing.
**
Please, please call Womens Aid today. You deserve to be happy.”

Second this ^

You do have a choice. And at the moment you are choosing to allow your children to grow up in an abusive home.

I know it is difficult, and scary, and unknown but this is clear cut. You cannot allow your children to continue to be damaged by what they will be witnessing and overhearing.

Please, please call Womens Aid today. You deserve to be happy.

it doesn't matter whose name it's in

in divorce the starting point of division of assets is 50%. and he will have to pay child maintenance + you may be entitled to benefits

it's perfectly doable and much better than being stuck with someone who is abusive

Youdontevengohere

I think the OP is saying that if they were to split she wouldn’t want her DH having contact time with the kids without her there”

I see. Thank you. I reread but was still unclear.
I don’t know what the situation is now, my parents divorced in the 70s but because of the abusive nature of the relationships, we did not have to see my father. Is that still the case? Something for OP to look into?

indeed, every time I catch myself feeling a bit sad and lonely I log on here and read about some appalling men who do not deserve having a woman even looking at them let alone living with them. I read about behaviours that would not have been tolerated when I was young and it makes me despair that there are some horrible, entitled, mean and in some cases down right dangerous men out there.

Firstly… are you working from home with a child at home? Secondly, taking more than 5 minutes for a shower is normal. 3rd… you husband is a knob

Is that honestly your take away from what OPs other half said to her? Wow - just wow!

I think the OP is saying that if they were to split she wouldn’t want her DH having contact time with the kids without her there.

Also, OP, you’ve mentioned “contact time” with him a couple of times, with reference to the children. I’m sorry, please could you clarify what that means. It’s usually with reference to a separated couple?

As an adult in.her own home,.she.can.choose to shower whenever she.likes. Also in.her own.homeshe should not be sworn at nor sent to bed on the sofa like a.naughty child.

If my DH called me any of those things, for any reason at all, then the marriage would be over.

Am I correct in taking from your posts, OP, that at this point he hasn’t tipped over into physical abuse?
You must get yourself and the children away from him because he will only get worse.
You mentioned your dad? Do you have supportive family? Can they help?

Whatever you decide, for Christ’s sake don’t have any more children with this man.

I can understand that, but really wouldn't it break your Dad's heart if he knew how your H speaks to and treats you? How he is likely to speak to and treat his children as they get older?