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Original poster

To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

439 replies

Hopingforbetterluck · 03/05/2024 22:26

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Hopingforbetterluck · 04/05/2024 20:00

To those saying why did you have kids with him, he was always highly strung but nothing like this otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. He’s got steadily worse.

My children are only little, 4 and 1. I don’t see how can have them overnight when he has never changed a nappy, given them their tea, won’t put the youngest to bed and had an epic meltdown at me the one time he did it when I went for a meal with friends, calling me selfish, constantly calling me and shouting at me while I was out, ruining the only night out I had planned in years. I don’t even try to leave them with him at all know as I know he’ll just lose his temper.

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 04/05/2024 19:59

Flickersy · 03/05/2024 22:28

Tell him a real man would earn enough that you don't have to work.

Then leave him.

What?
This is a pathetic thing to say.

fashionqueen0123 · 04/05/2024 19:59

Hopingforbetterluck · 04/05/2024 19:32

Thanks to those who have offered support and practical advice. I’ve been subjected to a load more name calling and smashing about today. It’s clear we can’t go on like this and it’s not what I want for my children.

I have looked into what benefits I might be entitled to and will call women’s aid when I can. For those who have divorced before I’m confused how it all works. How do you get them to leave the house? I know he will make it difficult and threaten me.

I don’t earn much at all and am looking at ways to increase my earnings but doubt any lender would give me a mortgage. Even if I had half the money from our existing house there’s no way I could afford to buy in any local area. Do the council house us and surely I wouldn’t then be able to claim benefits as I’d have the savings from the house. I’ll get advice from a solicitor but just trying to get it all straight in my head.

Well done.
I would start by secretly packing away things like important bank statements. Passports etc if needed take them to a friends.
Call women’s aid they can help with you all of this. You deserve so much better and so do your kids x

loverofalmonds · 04/05/2024 19:57

Mumsnet has made me wonder whether i was way too relaxed about popping my nursery shed child in front of TV whilst baby slept…. and then i’d have a shower and blow dry my hair! with no other adult in the house at all!

welshycake · 04/05/2024 19:55

loverofalmonds · 04/05/2024 19:53

how old are your children?

eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep

loverofalmonds · 04/05/2024 19:53

how old are your children?

Runnerinthenight · 04/05/2024 19:41

I'm afraid I can't offer practical advice but I am so sorry you are in this situation. He's evil. I'm sure there are ways and means, and other posters who have experience will be able to advise you.

Your post made me so very angry for you, I'd love to punch his hateful lights out. You can't go on putting up with that. Have you got someone to turn to in real life? Even if you had to go into a refuge initially it would be better than putting up with this. I think he should be the one to go though, as you have the children.

I do hope you can find the strength to get rid of him. He's poison. Hugs xx

UPALLNIGHTMNETTING · 04/05/2024 19:40

It's great you are looking at a divorce OP. It really will be better for your children to grow up outside of an abusive relationship, even if you don't have the house etc. If he's like it with the children when you're not there, there will be a way to mitigate it, for example supervised visits only. Sorry you are with this twat x

OrangeSlices998 · 04/05/2024 19:39

It’s so easy for us on the internet to say ‘leave’ when it’s so much more complex than that. These things can be done quickly but usually need some planning. Can you call women’s aid? Leave some stuff at a friends or your Dads? I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP and I hope you’re okay xxx

Original poster
Hopingforbetterluck · 04/05/2024 19:32

Thanks to those who have offered support and practical advice. I’ve been subjected to a load more name calling and smashing about today. It’s clear we can’t go on like this and it’s not what I want for my children.

I have looked into what benefits I might be entitled to and will call women’s aid when I can. For those who have divorced before I’m confused how it all works. How do you get them to leave the house? I know he will make it difficult and threaten me.

I don’t earn much at all and am looking at ways to increase my earnings but doubt any lender would give me a mortgage. Even if I had half the money from our existing house there’s no way I could afford to buy in any local area. Do the council house us and surely I wouldn’t then be able to claim benefits as I’d have the savings from the house. I’ll get advice from a solicitor but just trying to get it all straight in my head.

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 04/05/2024 19:29

There's definitely a cunt in your relationship.

It's not you 😘

Lavender14 · 04/05/2024 19:25

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/05/2024 13:33

@MrsSkylerWhite you do realise how little say victims of domestic abuse have don't you? It's incredibly common for abusers to firstly insist on sex (rape through coercion) and then refuse to wear a condom because children make it even harder to leave. And when women are most likely to be murdered when they start making plans to leave its understandable why many don't feel able to do that safely. Not exactly what I'd call 'entirely avoidable.

Yes @Lavender14 , I do, thank you. Witnessed/listened to my mother being raped, beaten, coerced almost
daily for 10 years. Don’t wish to recount my personal experiences.
She was unable to access contraception.
Anyone now who has the freedom to post on social media - my mother was not allowed to use the house telephone/watch television/listen to radio unless my father listened/approved the programme - is highly likely to have the ability to access personal contraception.

"Anyone now who has the freedom to post on social media - my mother was not allowed to use the house telephone/watch television/listen to radio unless my father listened/approved the programme - is highly likely to have the ability to access personal contraception."

As someone who has spent years working with women who have experienced domestic violence this is one hell of a leap you are making. Your mothers experience (and yours) sounds horrific and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But you cannot use that as an excuse to undermine other victims of domestic abuse because they don't have it "as bad" as someone else did. This is one of the many attitudes that stops women from leaving or speaking out about what's happening to them. In this day and age it's easier to have a secret online account because it can be hidden. Daily medication is much harder to hide. Also not all women (myself included) can use hormonal contraception. There's no one way for domestic abuse to look so comparisons like the ones you are making are deeply harmful to women experiencing domestic abuse.

BirthdayRainbow · 04/05/2024 18:50

Yes, you need to stop that @Daisylookslost you are perpetuating that having a wife means men can do and say this shitty stuff to them.

Daisylookslost · 04/05/2024 18:17

Flickersy · 03/05/2024 22:28

Tell him a real man would earn enough that you don't have to work.

Then leave him.

Oh I like this comment @Flickersy
why is it that some men expect their DW or DP to spin so many plates all of the time with little down time, and then crash about angry like they’re some sort of undervalued employee if they want a little help 🤔
I often remind my DP ‘I’m not your wife’ when I think he’s taking the P, but perhaps I shouldn’t say that as it’s kind of suggesting this kind of nasty behaviour would be ok if I was … 🤷‍♀️ It wouldn’t.
The swearing and disrespect here seem off the scale, your DH needs a reality check he’s lucky to have you x

Changinforaday · 04/05/2024 18:13

Is the OP the same woman with an autoimmune disease/ autism whose husband calls her "lazy" when she's tired, by any chance?

BrendaSmall · 04/05/2024 18:07

Singleandproud · 03/05/2024 23:02

What would happen if you booked yourself a premier inn tomorrow night and just went on your own for some time to yourself?

As much as this would be great for OP, I’d be very wary about leaving the children alone with him

loverofalmonds · 04/05/2024 17:59

KindOchreEagle · 04/05/2024 17:55

That’s a crap comment to make, it definitely takes longer that 5 mins and when your not prioritising yourself it’s not hard to believe at all in a week

Show quote history

i’d be interested in how old these “small DC” are

1mabon · 04/05/2024 17:57

Run.

KindOchreEagle · 04/05/2024 17:55

MonsterMunched · 03/05/2024 22:28

It’s a crap way to talk to you but it take 5 minutes to have a shower and wash hair so it hard to believe you haven’t been able to do that for a week.

That’s a crap comment to make, it definitely takes longer that 5 mins and when your not prioritising yourself it’s not hard to believe at all in a week

loverofalmonds · 04/05/2024 17:39

did the op ever clarify how old the two children are?

Runnerinthenight · 04/05/2024 17:35

Get the abusive bastard out to fuck!!!! I'm so angry for you!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/05/2024 17:34

Oops sorry, pasted from another thread. Its only going to get worse, OP. Please save yourself.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/05/2024 17:34

Its only going to get worse, and your children will either grow up thinking this is what relationships are like, or thinking you are really weak. Please call Womens Aid and start thinking about your options. I absolutely understand not having time for a proper shower, and any loving relationship should support you in doing things for yourself. Send you a hug and a hope you get away from this arsehole soon.

loupiots · 04/05/2024 17:14

I'm sorry @Hopingforbetterluck - it all sounds terribly stressful and difficult for you.

It's horrible being shouted at, and belittled and for someone to constantly make out that you're in the wrong and useless.

And then when you post about it on mumsnet, you get ridiculous comments about showering and far too many people berating you and shouting at you themselves and blaming you for his awful behaviour because you haven't left immediately.

There is little thought from some posters about how hard and scary it and how beaten down and demoralised you must be having to deal with this. This is exactly why so many women don't speak up about the terrible abuse they suffer through.

Again, I'm so sorry for your situation. It's so obvious that you don't want it to continue and that you want to keep your children safe because they are your priority but don't know what to do next.

When you have some time and are safe please try and get in touch with some organisations that could help.

Women's Aid have a chat or email function or you can call the Domestic Violence hotline on 08 08 16 89 111

It will be hard but you do have options; you can get to a safe place where you won't be called names and belittled. Please do try and call someone when you can.

Best of luck.