To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

The ultimate aim of the abuser is to make the victim feel she has no options, that she must stay.

Make no mistake, this is abuse.

Do you have any family members you could move in with?

Are you legally married?

Please contact Women's Aid.

You know what you need to do. You don't want risk the children turning out like their father. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

That indicates to me that he's abusive toward the children too. It's a very common problem, but you can get past it.

Please call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.

Leave a message. They will call you back at a time that's good for you.

You need help.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/#:~:text=National%20Domestic%20Abuse%20Helpline%3A%2024,support%20for%20women%20and%20children

please call somebody

It's time to make plans to end this relationship.

Who owns the house?
Whose name is on the mortgage/deeds?
If rented, whose name is on the lease?

This so-called man believes he is your lord and master and that you owe him clean clothes, meals, household cleaning, and probably sex. His contempt for you is a very serious matter.

Don't stay with him. Since you work, you have a good chance of getting away.

Exactly. And more importantly, you cannot allow your kids to grow up in an abusive environment like this, only to be damned with the curse of choosing the same kind of abusive partner when they get older. This abuse will become their normal.You have an obligation to protect them from this type of dysfunction, and you deserve a happy, safe life, too.

OP the only even vaguely good part of what you have said so far is that you appear to recognise that he is an abusive arsehole.

However you then say you must stay and ensure this misery and sacrifice your happiness and possibly safety because your elderly father would be sad if you left the marriage and you wouldn’t want your kids to be alone with their dad in contact time.

1. your dad if he loves you would not want you to spend another second with this disgusting excuse for a man that you are married to. I can only assume he doesn’t know what you are being subjected to. If he does and still would prefer you stay married because of shame or some misguided opinion that marriage is to be endured despite utter misery then he’s not a decent father and his opinion should carry no weight at all.
2. if you have genuine concerns about your children’s safety based on the past history with their dad then you need to keep them away from him and he can go to court for access. Please think how their life is going to be seeing a desperately unhappy abused mum who is enduring that because of them somehow.

Talk to women’s aid. Tell your family you aren’t safe (psychologically certainly you aren’t but his language sounds that of a man at the very least in the brink of other abuse) and you need to leave and ask for their help. Can you stay with your sister or father and take the kids? Can you apply for emergency housing or refuge?

You WILL have options. They may be frightening and less than what you wanted in so many ways but staying will never get better. In the end, leaving will let you find peace and eventually you can rebuild a home and have a bloody shower whenever you want to .

He's abusive.

I would start making plans to leave.

Op, if you are in the UK, that house is 50% yours. When he bought it is irrelevant. You're married, it's your house.

Irrelevant. You're married so you'd be entitled to some of the house.
Also you could claim UC.
You'd manage , lots of people do.
You can't live like this.

YANBU I would tell him that a real man would be supportive and not call his wife names, or bash around having a tantrum.

It’s no way to live. You’d get government help if you left, you’d be ok financially. It doesn’t sound like you plan to leave so not sure what to say, apart from you should, you don’t deserve to live like that, with an absolute arsehole of a husband. I hope one day you find the courage to leave, for you and your children

Jeez, OP is being abused and people are challenging her about her hygiene!
OP, will your Dad help you out? Have you got friends around for support? I think you know you need to leave, it’s a question of how and when.
You need to get legal advice but your marriage gives you an interest in the house. If your earnings are low you can probably claim UC, - check it out. You don’t have to live like this.

I guess I'm struggling with why you couldn't fit a shower in I mean I've got 3 toddlers and just have to get on with it. But I know one thing if I did want hubby to make tea so I could bath etc it wouldn't be a problem because he would never speak to me like yours or me him in that way

And that’s your main concern from the OP’s post? 🙄🙄🙄

Seek support to leave this abusive man OP, you deserve so much better.

I've read your posts, OP, but not all the replies.

It's obvious to an outsider just reading that you need to leave him, but of course that's easier said than done. You need support first, to work out how to get into a position where you can leave, and to plan it carefully while ensuring you stay safe.

I advise you to contact the national DA helpline: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
and/or your local Women's Aid or equivalent service: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

If that's all you can manage at the moment, that's enough.

In the longer term, you do have options; more than you think. You can claim universal credit if you have no/low income and savings, you can make a homeless application if you have nowhere safe to go and the council can help you. There are also options for getting legal advice about non-molestation and occupation orders; a solicitor might be able to advise about the likelihood of getting an occupation order which would allow you to stay and force him to leave, for example. The Rights of Women website and helpline are useful so a good place to start.

Good luck, OP.

Hi OP. You deserve to be able to shower more than once a week and not feel guilty about spending time on your hair, your routine or just relaxing under the jet.

The problem isn’t this evening’s argument and your partner’s choice language. You are doing so much childcare and housework that you feel you don’t have time to shower…and he is happy with that. And from one of your later posts it sounds like this outburst isn’t a one off.

Do you have an intrinsic value to him, or is it about what you can do for him?

I agree OP that your husband is a twat and I’d consider leaving him.

a completely separate issue is you not being able to shower for 5 days. you need to organise your time differently and reprioritise. I’ve two kids and a full time job and I can tell you it takes 10 min to shower if needs be. 5 days without a shower is a bit disgusting.

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Trust me, OP: he won’t bother with contact time after the first week or two

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You’re married, you’re entitled to at least 50/50 and probably more as there is a disparity between what you earn.