Overtime DP | Mumsnet

Weddingbells6 · 2024-05-03T14:12:56+00:00

I’m wondering if I’m a bit controlling or if I’m justified in feeling a bit peeved about the way this conversation went. Partner works full time and I’m on a break from work. We don’t share money so he’s not the breadwinner so to speak, in fact I probably pay the lions share including now I’m off work for a while. 2 kids, one disabled. he’s been offered overtime at work but rather than say I might do overtime on such and such day, is that going to cause any issues with the kids etc. he’s let me know he’s doing it in the following ways. 1st time “I’m probably doing overtime the next couple of days.” And then not said he definitely is or isn’t or how long for, just a comment during the day “Don’t forget (hadn’t been actually told for definite or a time at this point) that I’m working until 6pm tonight.” 2nd time I was telling him I had enquired about viewing a house we have been interested in because we agreed I would do that and then he decided to tell me “I’m working blah blah next week.” Bearing in mind I have his shifts written down so try to work anything like the house viewing around him. I did very nicely say to him that it might be nice if he kind of checks in with me before he commits to anything in terms of overtime and of course he acted like I have a massive problem with him doing the overtime and I fully expect to hear “Oh well I won’t do overtime anymore if it’s a problem.” He pulled the old “Well I did say it was available all week.” When I had no way of knowing what hours he would commit to. Because I’ve dared to suggest he just checks in with me before he puts his name down etc. am I being controlling is it just polite and considerate to check with your OH in advance about these things?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:59

Good.

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:59

Catza · 03/05/2024 15:50

I think this is the issue. A relationship where you have to ask permission (and this is what you are doing and want him to do) is not a particularly healthy one. We do check things with each other but I am much more likely to phrase it as "are you planning to do X,Y,Z on the A,B,C day" rather than "is it OK if I...". So I would ask "are you working on Saturday" before going ahead to book a hair appointment. Or I will say "I am booking the dog into vets, when is convenient for you to take her".
It's a subtle change in wording, but the difference is immense.

Show quote history

Right okay. I need to work on this then perhaps. It will take some doing I think but I can see your point.

OP posts:

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:57

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:56

Make sure the house is just in your name then op if it's your money.

Oh don’t you worry, I’ve already taken legal advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:57

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:52

OF COURSE he should run it by you. It's called respect. AND the money he is earning is family money to be shared because he can only achieve it if you are doing the joint childcare.

I’m so pleased you said that! I didn’t want to get completely roasted but I do feel like it’s only manners and respect to check in with your OH when agreeing to be out of the house for longer if children are involved. Like you say it relies on me parenting solo. Just to be clear I absolutely would have said no worries but I would like to be asked but not in a permission way more of a “Is it okay…” with the expectation that there isn’t likely to be any big problems with it most of the time.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:56

Make sure the house is just in your name then op if it's your money.

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:54

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:51

Because. You are doing all the unpaid work that needs to be done for a family and household to work. You are also paying for everything. You are not married so he is pocketing all his cash for when you both go your separate ways. This whole thing is absolutely bonkers and I do not understand at all why quite a few of the first few responses didn't pick up on this.

I did spit my dummy out a bit when he said he was doing the overtime (obviously already committed to without a quick text to me) and said I would go and see it on my own if he isn’t available. It’s my money so he can either move in with us or not if he doesn’t like it 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:54

Oh for goodness sake @Catza - read between the lines! Yes, one wouldn't have to ask permission in a decent relationship, where both parties are decent people. The op isn't in one of those kind.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:52

OF COURSE he should run it by you. It's called respect. AND the money he is earning is family money to be shared because he can only achieve it if you are doing the joint childcare.

Catza · 03/05/2024 15:52

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:51

Because. You are doing all the unpaid work that needs to be done for a family and household to work. You are also paying for everything. You are not married so he is pocketing all his cash for when you both go your separate ways. This whole thing is absolutely bonkers and I do not understand at all why quite a few of the first few responses didn't pick up on this.

We do pick up on this but the OP did not ask our opinion about her household set up. I am surprised you didn't pick up on what the actual question was, though.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:51

Because. You are doing all the unpaid work that needs to be done for a family and household to work. You are also paying for everything. You are not married so he is pocketing all his cash for when you both go your separate ways. This whole thing is absolutely bonkers and I do not understand at all why quite a few of the first few responses didn't pick up on this.

Catza · 03/05/2024 15:50

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:36

I understand. I have been silly and always said things like “Is it okay with you if I do….” And expected the same in return but actually maybe I should have not expected that and that it’s more normal to just state what each of you intends to do. I imagine if I take the same stance it may come as a shock to him though.

Show quote history

I think this is the issue. A relationship where you have to ask permission (and this is what you are doing and want him to do) is not a particularly healthy one. We do check things with each other but I am much more likely to phrase it as "are you planning to do X,Y,Z on the A,B,C day" rather than "is it OK if I...". So I would ask "are you working on Saturday" before going ahead to book a hair appointment. Or I will say "I am booking the dog into vets, when is convenient for you to take her".
It's a subtle change in wording, but the difference is immense.

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:47

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:44

You are being taken for an absolute mug op.

Do you think? Why? Genuinely curious. He’s not been the best partner to be honest. Would you expect to have it run by you before he commits to it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:45

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:39

So he's accumulating wealth for himself whilst you look after your joint children and using all your wealth to provide for everyone?

And you're not married?

And you're worried you're being controlling.

What. The. Absolute. Fuck.

Mmmm it doesn’t sound good when you put it like that.

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 03/05/2024 15:45

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:36

I understand. I have been silly and always said things like “Is it okay with you if I do….” And expected the same in return but actually maybe I should have not expected that and that it’s more normal to just state what each of you intends to do. I imagine if I take the same stance it may come as a shock to him though.

Show quote history

You should just say rather than ask. If nothing else, he will then realise how inconvenient it is when you aren’t aware of each other’s schedules.

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:44

Blanketpolicy · 03/05/2024 15:39

We both have changing work finish times so we just talk to each other. Keeping work times up-to-date in a calendar, along with ds's commitments too is just tedious.

So in our house, if one of us was arranging something like a viewing, prior to arranging they would ask the other what days they were definitely free for the viewing instead of assuming. Then the viewing would go on the calendar. Much simpler and less prone to mistakes when someone forgets to update changing work schedules.

This sounds like common sense. I think the problem is that my OH sends me his shifts for the month snd they don’t change at all and haven’t for a year so this shift pattern would have been the same as you checking the calendar until this week. I wasn’t keen on the nonchalant way he said it when actually it’s quite unusual.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:44

You are being taken for an absolute mug op.

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:40

Lengokengo · 03/05/2024 15:37

My experience ( at work) of men having overtime (or more realistically men just staying longer at work…) is when a child arrives. Then staying later at work to avoid the hardest part of the day seems to happen. I have seen this MANY times and am very cynical about this. One guy used to just read the paper at work between 5 and 6pm( in the old day’s before phones). I heard of a teacher who used to stay and play his guitar for an hour before going home!

Sorry that I don’t contribute much to the debate but I wonder if it’s avoiding work at home, rather than a pressing need to work. It may even both if he gets to keep the cash!

Oh he’ll be keeping the cash and yeah absolutely it’s easier to sit at work answering emails than coming home and giving children dinner etc.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2024 15:39

So he's accumulating wealth for himself whilst you look after your joint children and using all your wealth to provide for everyone?

And you're not married?

And you're worried you're being controlling.

What. The. Absolute. Fuck.

Blanketpolicy · 03/05/2024 15:39

We both have changing work finish times so we just talk to each other. Keeping work times up-to-date in a calendar, along with ds's commitments too is just tedious.

So in our house, if one of us was arranging something like a viewing, prior to arranging they would ask the other what days they were definitely free for the viewing instead of assuming. Then the viewing would go on the calendar. Much simpler and less prone to mistakes when someone forgets to update changing work schedules.

Lengokengo · 03/05/2024 15:37

My experience ( at work) of men having overtime (or more realistically men just staying longer at work…) is when a child arrives. Then staying later at work to avoid the hardest part of the day seems to happen. I have seen this MANY times and am very cynical about this. One guy used to just read the paper at work between 5 and 6pm( in the old day’s before phones). I heard of a teacher who used to stay and play his guitar for an hour before going home!

Sorry that I don’t contribute much to the debate but I wonder if it’s avoiding work at home, rather than a pressing need to work. It may even both if he gets to keep the cash!

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:36

StormingNorman · 03/05/2024 15:30

I think as you are each responsible for your own income and you don’t have ‘family money’ as such, then you each get to decide what you need/want to earn.

That said, it is down to him to let you know when the overtime is scheduled to avoid clashes.

I understand. I have been silly and always said things like “Is it okay with you if I do….” And expected the same in return but actually maybe I should have not expected that and that it’s more normal to just state what each of you intends to do. I imagine if I take the same stance it may come as a shock to him though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:34

Createausername1970 · 03/05/2024 15:28

I have one of those calendars with columns so each column for a separate person. It's my responsibility to write in my column, DH fills in his and I tend to keep on top of DS.

We tried sharing a virtual calendar but it didn't work, so we went back to one in the kitchen we can all see and add to easily.

So no, you are not being unreasonable - if you have a calendar available then he should update it - even if he puts "?overtime?" on the possible days.

But if he has history of not doing it, then I wouldn't just assume he was free, I would double check before I arranged anything important.

I should have been braver when writing the post because I’ve realised that the actual problem is that he didn’t check that it’s okay with me to have the kids solo for longer than usual rather than any actual clashes / appointments, I do every single appointment with the kids and after school clubs etc anyway and always have done. It would be nice if he actually showed up at one of these clubs but the only time in weeks that he could have done he did overtime so couldn’t.

OP posts:

Original poster

Weddingbells6 · 03/05/2024 15:31

notanotherrokabag · 03/05/2024 15:27

You're not married.
You don't share money.
And you do most of the childcare.

You're being taken for a ride OP. Get your career going again, asap.

I needed a break (bereavement) and I’m starting back part time next week so it’s not an issue really. I do feel like if one person is looking after the children then the other one should be checking the other is okay with the overtime because essentially they’re doing even more of the childcare which I think anyone with kids would agree can be stressful but I didn’t know how other people felt about it and I don’t have many people to ask. I think maybe it’s a bigger issue as you suggest. Thanks.

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 03/05/2024 15:30

I think as you are each responsible for your own income and you don’t have ‘family money’ as such, then you each get to decide what you need/want to earn.

That said, it is down to him to let you know when the overtime is scheduled to avoid clashes.

Createausername1970 · 03/05/2024 15:28

I have one of those calendars with columns so each column for a separate person. It's my responsibility to write in my column, DH fills in his and I tend to keep on top of DS.

We tried sharing a virtual calendar but it didn't work, so we went back to one in the kitchen we can all see and add to easily.

So no, you are not being unreasonable - if you have a calendar available then he should update it - even if he puts "?overtime?" on the possible days.

But if he has history of not doing it, then I wouldn't just assume he was free, I would double check before I arranged anything important.