Full of resentment and anger

How old are they? I assume the level of dysfunction is significant if SS are involved so the dc are likely to have behavioural and mental health difficulties- they may struggle with regulation.

If so, better to be a super supportive auntie
BUT
SS aren’t great at super supportive aunties in my experience. The dc will be trying to settle in a new home and will be having contact with their parents, separately by the sound of it. There isn’t much time for aunties as well.

Make sure you have the nuts and bolts ironed out.

Who is there that can and will support you if you take the children? Can your parents have them for a long weekend regularly, or another relative?

It’s long and hard. But if the dc are a bit older and reasonably ok, it’s not so bad- you don’t have to be physically with them all the time, as you do with toddlers, and you’ll be able to leave them on their own if it’s age appropriate.

Just to put your mind at ease about the system, I know someone who took on their grandkids because their daughter went off track so to speak. They were coping well but then got cancer and was unable to look after the kids so social services got involved and placed them in foster care. They maintained contact with all children and their foster families whilst recovering, and have made great friends with the foster families. They are thankfully now recovered health wise but have accepted that their grandchildren are in a much better position now with more stability.

We all hear the horror stories about Ss but sometimes it can work, especially if you are still in the kids lives.

I'm a retired social worker, and I would say, if you feel like this, don't do it.
It is no wonder you feel a bit resentful at potentially having your life plans upskittled and this is no basis for kinship fostering!

Social workers are required by law to look at extended family members for children before they go into care.
That is why they seem pushy, apart from (it has to be acknowledged) children generally do better in their own families, even extended family.
But those with family members who maintain long term relationships with them whilst in care, are in a good position, too.
Money is generally available for kinship care, btw, so I don't think it is seen as the cheaper option.

Yes as others have said, once you say you will take them you will have lost all bargaining power with social services- sounds crass but it’s true. Taking someone with you to meetings is a good idea- ideally someone with a bit of clout who might make ss think twice about trying to push you about. And practice out loud some stock phrases like “thanks I will need to take some time to consider this before I take this any further/ give an answer/ give agreement to that proposal”, “what would be the alternatives”, “how would that work when [I work full time]”, etc.

Social services are CFs of the highest order when it comes to these situations. Anything to save them money. Then, if you agreed, you'd be waiting an age before they organised any payments you were due. That's if you were even entitled to anything.

How do they want to place the children with you? As a foster carer or under a special guardianship order?

I'm not well up on it but I don't think you get money from SS under an SGO. I would only consider doing this if they were going to pay me as a foster carer (unless it was my nieces/nephews in which case I wouldn't want SS involved)

I'm going to reframe this for you.

You are doing those children a disservice by taking them in.

Currently the two parents can fuck about and use you as their safety net, believing that the children won't go into care because you're there.

Remove the safety net.

Be strong and tell the parents; "you've shown me that being a single parent is too tough, even when they're your own kids, so I don't believe I can do it and the children will be better off in care."

You may be surprised to find that the parents actually step up to stop that from happening, alternatively the children will go into care and the parents will either step up at a later point or people who actively want to foster (unlike yourself) will take them on.

If the children do go into care, the parents don't step up and the children have a terrible time, you can potentially take them in then, but it's going to be a hell of a lot easier to do that, than to take them on and realise you can't cope and have to get them into the care system.

This may sound harsh and cold but having had experience these are my facts.

You don't 'have' to do this.

SS can't make you do it, although they will try every trick in the book to guilt you into it as it's cheaper and less hassle to get a family member to take the children rather than foster care.

The harsh reality is that once you've agreed SS will offer little to no help. Children who have been either abused or neglected (it's very rare to find parents who just 'give up' their children) have complex needs and are often very difficult to parent, which is why foster carers are paid well and have access to training and help.

Don't do it just because you think you should do.

My worry would be the parents individually interfering. Won't do it themselves, but will question every little thing you do.

Can you try and see how it goes? You may find (like many actual parents) that it's a really great experience. If you find it really hard can you change your mind?

Is there no happy medium here? Could they be looked after by someone else in the week and come to you at the weekends? Even something like boarding school (don’t know their ages). Honestly working full time and taking this on when the kids are likely to have a few issues is a lot. If you can keep some of your old life then I think it will be easier to manage. I think in your position I would try to focus on what’s manageable at the moment and not on the parents- I doubt very much in the long term these choices will pay off for them, whilst you have the chance to build a loving relationship with some brilliant kids- as long as you manage it properly.

I am both a parent of grown up children as well as a grandparent. My life is such that I feel I’ve ’done My bit’ and like my life as it is and I would struggle to go back to parenting again. My point is, I completely understand the way you are feeling. Parenting is hard enough when they are your own and you carried them and wanted them. Having to take on children that you didn’t sign up for can be hard but it can also be very rewarding. Only you can make this decision but you need to make the right decision for you as it’s you who will be parenting. If your heart isn’t in it the right thing to do is to allow the children to go to foster but you be there for visits and point of contact. This situation is not of your making.

It’s definitely the parents putting them in care! You are amazing to even consider it. But once they are in your house it’s too late to change your mind, and send them somewhere else. There are some fabulous ( and trained ) foster parents out there who would probably really welcome your involvement with the children. Only you know what the children are like, how their behaviour is and if you could cope. But your life will irrevocably alter, probably not for the best. You would be a saint if you didn’t feel resentful, which isn’t fair on any of you.

If you say no now - you can change your mind later.

If you have a close/ loving relationship with the children, and its only ten years—that is they aren’t toddlers—I think you aren’t wrong to consider it. If you have no teal relationship with the children already then I really think you shouldn’t do it. I actually think they will be better off building new relationships with outsiders rather than taking their sadness and abandonment out with you. Better to drop in and grow that relationship if you want as an aunt than struggle as a quasi parent.

I’m angry for you op. I’m angry about all the arsehole parents who selfishly choose to bring kids into the world and then fuck it up. It affects everyone. But this one is particularly close to you and I totally get your sadness and frustration. Why not postpone the decision? Let them be fostered temporarily but agree to get to know them better with weekend sleepovers etc until you know you were ready for it or could cope full time. (Or not). Is that possible?

I would think tremendously carefully before taking them on. You don’t have to make the sacrifices the parents won’t. You can but you don’t have to. SS will push very hard for you to do it as it is much, much cheaper for them. Do not rely on them supporting you helpfully going forward, they typically won’t. It is a perfectly fair outcome to be a loving and supportive aunt but not have them move in.

BTW shortly posters will be along to say how they could “never” allow any family child to go into care. They’re not the ones who have to give up what they’ve built to accommodate crappy parenting of relatives.

It would be better for the children to be fostered by people who are experienced carers than to live with someone who resents the upheaval. This is not a criticism of you at all. You chose not to have children and have plans for your life that don't include them so don't do it. You'll become bitter and it will show.

Far better to be a loving Auntie who can be part of their lives by having them for the day or some weekends, going to their school plays etc, taking them swimming...

Do not do this, being a great auntie is much better

They need to go to someone who really is prepared to do this. I was a foster carer and it's much better when it's a choice.

And also foster carers get more money (enough to meet all the child's needs) than kinship carers - and this is likely why they're so invested in you doing it

If the issues arent that serious they could maybe go back to a parent after a year or 2.

Stress doesn't cause ulcers - it's a myth

You will have to be firm with social services. It's for them to figure something out, not you.

No, you don't have to do this. You can be a kind and loving aunt to them and take a deep interest in their welfare without having them live with you.

This is not the life you've chosen for yourself. Keep control over your life. This isn't your problem to solve and besides, those children may well need someone to care for them who understands how to deal with children who've had really bad backgrounds. You can stay in touch with them and take them out for the odd day etc but you don't have to give up your life for them.

I don't think you should do this if you are angry and resentful as it will show through to the children who will have been through enough already.

Why not allow them to be fostered and be an Auntie?

Honestly if you're already resentful and their little lives are already going to be quite messed up because they're going to be removed from their parents please don't fuck them up even more by fostering them out of some misplaced sense of duty. Allow them to be placed in a foster home who won't spend the next 10 years regretting taking them in.