Full of resentment and anger

i know lots of people will say ‘you don’t have to’ which is obviously true, however, when you look at the statistics for children who go into care it’s horrendous. I’m afraid to say if you love these children you do have to foster them and you should feel incredibly proud of yourself for doing it. Focus on the kids and remember that you are doing the most wonderful thing imaginable for them. Unfortunately they may not seem that grateful in the short term but they will be one day x

Sorry 5 kids I was asked to take in!

I was in exactly the same situation as you. My sister is a drug addict who I hadn't spoken to in 10 years so hardly knew the kids she had. Social Services telephoned me asking to take 4 kids under 10 and I was really torn. I had a 2 year old at the time and I knew I would not cope having 6 kids! 1 child has learning difficulties. Social services were terrible to me, making me feel guilty for saying no. Social services have a duty of care to re home the children. And I know my sisters kids have a better life 10 years on with their foster carers. I would have gone insane if I had taken them in. It's not your responsibility. And I did not want my sister and her druggie boyfriend back in my life if I had taken the kids.

I agree with pp who say you might be doing the children a disservice. Even parents sometimes unwittingly show their resentment to kids. I can imagine if it’s not your bio kids the resentment may be even more blatant, which will be hugely damaging for these very vulnerable and neglected children who have already been rejected.

Don’t be tempted to be a martyr about this, perhaps keep a close eye on what’s going on and be ready to step in if absolutely necessary, but some foster carers are brilliant and they may get a long term foster placement so they’re not been passed around.

Can't you agree to temporary foster ONLY with no guardianship? If you don't sign anything saying you agree to become a legal guardian I don't see how you can be forced to become their new permeant home. How old are the children? You may find Rob Henderson's book "Troubled" about his experiences being fostered and adopted enlightening.

Just don't do it. You obviously don't want to and this won't help you or the children. Or agree to do it till a foster family can be found.

Don’t do it.

I think this would be a very bad idea. It would be far more disruptive, and I suspect more upsetting, for the children to be 'rejected' twice - first by parents then by aunt - than to go straight to foster/local authority care in 1 step.

If you have any doubts about being able to do this for the rest of their childhood, I don't think you should do it.

What might be an option is stepping in later. There seems to very often be a gap when children age out of the care system but are still rather young to be fully self sufficient. If you can offer support at that stage it might be more useful.

How difficult for you OP.

I agree with pp, as much as you love these children if you're resentful of the situation it will come through at some point to the kids.
Can you have a chat with ss, see if there is a half way point, that they can be kept together and you can spend time with them and have them for mini holidays at your house occasionally so they have a constant family presence.

Poor kids, some people really shouldn't be allowed to have children!

Social services are CFs of the highest order when it comes to these situations. Anything to save them money.
It's not only about the money although that can be a factor. In many areas there is a massive shortage of foster carers or ressidential homes. Ressidential homes that are not operated by the local authority seem to charge what they want often running into £000's per child per week.
Not only is there a general shortage of carer but it would be even harder to find someone to take on two children, especially if they are already have a placement.

Really helpful

Is there no happy medium here? Could they be looked after by someone else in the week and come to you at the weekends?

That's not much better. To be child free by choice and then give up every weekend indefinitely to look after someone else's kids?

My soultuion would let the children go into foster care and make sure they are not split up, if there is a lack of foster placements that can take two, they maybe looking at residential care. Then offer occasional respite and also visits to keep the relationship between you all

Don't do it.

I have just spent a few years having to deal with the results of my step-daughter's issues from her mother's. It has been a hard path.

SW will be pushing it as you will be a cheap alternative.

Your life will be turned upside down in a away in which you would never have thought.

Just remember they chose to have the children and it';s their behaviour towards the children that has led to this.

Please do not agree.

You say NO, you can offer occasional respite care. A weekend or 2 most months or similar.

Do not do this out of a sense of duty. Have someone with you when you speak to SS but don't let them steamroll you into it. Only do this if you are fully committed as you will have next to no support from SS, the shitty parents to contend with, dealing with the kids issues because of the shitty parents, putting your own life in hold. Yes in theory it's the right thing to do because you're family but you need to look objectively to see if it's the right thing for you and the kids. You'll still be in their lives

Counselling is a good idea.. regardless of what you decide.. good luck.

You are doing a great thing op. Try and focus on the positives. They may well impact your life in a good way too.

SW will put pressure on you, it's the easiest and cheapest solution for them. You have to continue repeating that it's not possible for you to do this, make up a reason if you have to. You don't need to feel guilty, you can still be a supportive loving auntie without the risk of the children sensing your resentment and feeling unwanted.

I had this when my DN was taken from my sister and parents. He was seriously abused and neglected but my place wouldn't have been the best place for him, he wouldn't have been safe living only 2 miles from the abusers where it would have been a constant fight to keep him safe from them.

It took a hours of persuasion before SW accepted this. He was fostered and ten years later is doing well at university.

Also, you will have to spend even more time with your awful sibling then! That’s a total nightmare, you will have to be facilitated visits and dealing with upset children all the time.

No way. You can’t do this to yourself.

If they go into to foster care, you can visit and see them regularly, giving them support as their aunt, and let the foster caters deal with your sibling.

I would 100% get some support here with making this decision. It’s a big one.

Have you an Employee Assistance Program at work? They can offer you free counselling and advice if you need to talk it through and it’s confidential also.

It would be a big no from me, I understand you feel sorry for the children but you are not the one making them cry. As my SIL says ‘just because you can, doesn’t mean you should’

Actually, the word should needs be gotten rid of entirely. It’s a shame word.
All the best x

Do NOT do this, op. None of this is your responsibility. Tell the social worker to back off and stop with the pressure. Raising someone else's kids is not the life you signed up for, and you should feel at all guilty for not wanting to do this.

I'd say don't do it, unless after some thought, and maybe counselling, you feel you do want to. Parenting is tough anyway, without the likely emotional and behavioural difficulties these children will have. You need to be truly committed to do it, for your sake and for that of the children. I understand how impossibly difficult it will be to say no, but you must do what is right for you. Don't give in to any emotional blackmail ftom social care or the family. It's very sad but it's not your fault these children can't be brought up by their own parents.

Thing is, if you foster them, you will never hear the end of it from your sibling and their partner. You will be the enemy.

They will be sticking their oars in non stop surely? Criticising you whilst in total denial about what a pair of useless twats they are.