Full of resentment and anger

Irrelevant but actually you aren’t quite right. There is such a thing as “stress ulcers” although mostly seen in people who are physically very unwell - such as in ITU. But we know that chronic stress can result in increased gastric acid production and raised cortisol levels.

Yes, exactly. I'm child free and wouldn't even think like this, whatever it may make me in the eyes of "others". My life, my choices.

Tough situation. I agree with others though, you can stay involved. As others say, everybody knowing there is an involved aunt is going to keep everybody on their toes. Not just the Foster parents but the people choosing which Foster parents.

There is some great advice here OP and I agree with the majority you really shouldn’t put yourself in a position you will resent.

How well do you know these kids? How much time have you spent looking after any kids?

I’m childfree and offered to look after my niece and nephew when my sister was in hospital for two weeks and my BIL was working long hours and doing night shifts and visiting my sister.
I had spent lots of time with my niece and nephew (they were 6 and 10 at the time) but always on fun days out or with other family members present. I had no other real experience with kids at that time as my friends with children preferred to meet up without them most of the time.

I had no idea how hard it would be and I took time off work so I didn’t have that pressure on top. I hated the pressure of keeping to their schedule and the demands and completely underestimated how hard it would be.
The worst part for me was having no time to myself, I was used to living a selfish life and couldn’t stand the constant noise and mess and chatter.
They were just kids being kids but my niece was constantly singing and dancing about or asking questions or “trying to help” everything took longer to do.
My nephew DID NOT STOP TALKING!” I had to endure endless monologues about Lego, YouTube, Harry being naughty at school and what “Mrs Smith” had said when she told him off etc…
I got so sick of the sound of my own name and “watch me, watch me… no you aren’t LOOKING” that I used to have to force myself not to just get in the car and drive away!

The kids would fight constantly and were obviously sensitive to the upheaval so there were a lot of tears and tantrums and refusal to do as I asked. After a few days I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry I was so desperate for a few minutes peace, even then they would be banging on the door.
I have no idea how I’d have fitted work in and working around their schedule, if I’d had to do a full days work then come home to that chaos as well it would have broken me.

I started to really struggle to hide my irritation and frustration and was constantly sleep deprived as they would wake up in the night and want comfort and get in bed with me. My partner helped for the first few days but at that time we lived separately, after the first few days he stayed away because he couldn’t cope either. He used to play with them and wind them up then hated when they wouldn’t instantly calm down when he’d had enough.

I felt so guilty for feeling so impatient and I know this sounds awful but there were times I had to stop myself completely losing my temper and telling them to shut up or shout at them for touching things and making a mess.

I knew I wasn’t cut out for having children, I made the choice deliberately because I never had any maternal instincts and preferred to live a quieter less stressful life. Maybe I’d have felt differently if they were my kids and I’d brought them up from babies and felt unconditional love but in this case it just made me even more sure this was a life I didn’t want and would grow to hate and resent.

People CHOOSE to become foster carers, they know what they are getting into and are supported so they know they are making the right decision.
Which scenario do you think is best - the kids going to foster carers who have made the choice to take in children, or you looking after them and spending your life regretting it?
You won’t be able to hide how you feel and you will resent having your life taken away from you.

YOU don’t need to feel guilt or like you are letting these kids down, you didn’t choose to have them and they don’t fit into your lifestyle. It won’t be like a book or a film where you have a few difficult moments then all find harmony living together and live happily ever after. It’s likely these kids will be traumatised and unsettled and you’d be facing that amongst the other challenges of parenthood.

It’s extremely unlikely you will find they suddenly enrich your life and you’ll grow to love them and feel like they are your own, those kind of bonds come from instinct and can’t be manufactured.

Having my niece and nephew for those two weeks ruined our relationship for a long time, I was no longer “fun auntie Mini” I was the grumpy auntie who lost her temper when her make up got ruined and she got sick of making pizza and chicken nuggets that never got eaten or who was late picking them up from school!

I have friends who are foster carers, they couldn’t have children and absolutely devote their lives to the kids in their care. They had counselling beforehand and knew it wouldn’t be plain sailing but they made that choice and planned their lives around it. It wasn’t a case of suddenly having their whole lives uprooted.
Both of them work as a team and support each other which I’m sure makes a huge difference.
Some of the kids still see family members when they are being fostered so you could still spend time with the kids and be in their life.
I know that’s not the same as every situation and it’s not fair to use one example as a representation of the care system, I know a few adults who grew up in care and were happy so it is proof that it does happen. It’s more likely to happen as well with you still being in their lives advocating and looking out for them.

It’s easy for anyone reading this thread and saying you should take these kids in because “it’s the right thing to do” or “it’s for the best”
Don’t be a martyr and make sacrifices based on other people’s opinions, they aren’t the ones facing such a life changing decision and are making a snap judgment without really considering the full picture.

If you do give into the guilt trips and pressure then I really suggest you spend time with the kids first if you haven’t already. Kids all have their own personalities and it’s important to see if you will get on together.
If you are an introvert who needs space and alone time then it might be an idea to see how you feel if you have kids making silly noises or screaming or touching everything and interrupting every conversation you have.
On the other hand if you are an extrovert it can be equally as challenging dealing with shy withdrawn children who need equally as much attention but in different ways.

My friends have said to me before they are baffled as to why their kids are so different in personality to them. Even when they love them they find it challenging dealing with complete opposites to them. They expected to have little clones of themselves but it doesn’t work like that, they have to treat them as individuals and not just an extension of themselves.

I’m sorry this is so long and I got carried away writing. I just was hoping that as I’m childfree I could offer a perspective that people who have children might not be able to.
This is a huge decision for you to make and I hope the advice you’ve been given by everyone on this thread helps you make the right choice FOR YOU.

You don't have to do this and if you do you definitely need kinship support. You might find that this gives you something more than your current life is. SS and courts put a lot of store on keeping families together and they may work with the kids parents to help them turn things around. I agree with posters that say the kids would be better in foster care if you are struggling with the idea. However, the care system is on its knees and I'd be worried that your family kids would suffer unnecessarily and through no fault of their own.

I would agree with the other posters here who are advising you not to foster your relative's. Socal services can be pushing this to make their lives easier. Then can promise support and a payment and both can be far less than you expect or need.
Then your taking on 2 children who could have any number of issues and problems. There behaviour could be poor. They could be falling behind in school as well so they could need a lot of help in regards to this. These children would do better in an experienced foster family.
I would tell social services that you would like to keep in contact with the children, meet up with them and be there for them but you are not going to be taking them in.

Along with this the kids parents could turn up at your house or place of work shouting the odds about you having their kid's. Or arrive drunk or high wanting to see their kids in your home. You decided to be childfree by choice and your currently working full time. You need your wages to pay your bills also. You may also be paying into a private pension as well.
The truth is that you can't afford to put your own life on hold for x period of time to suit social services or their feckless parents.

I would agree with the other posters here who are advising you not to foster your relative's. Socal services can be pushing this to make their lives easier. Then can promise support and a payment and both can be far less than you expect or need.
Then your taking on 2 children who could have any number of issues and problems. There behaviour could be poor. They could be falling behind in school as well so they could need a lot of help in regards to this. These children would do better in an experienced foster family.
I would tell social services that you would like to keep in contact with the children, meet up with them and be there for them but you are not going to be taking them in.

Along with this the kids parents could turn up at your house or place of work shouting the odds about you having their kid's. Or arrive drunk or high wanting to see their kids in your home. You decided to be childfree by choice and your currently working full time. You need your wages to pay your bills also. You may also be paying into a private pension as well.
The truth is that you can't afford to put your own life on hold for x period of time to suit social services or their feckless parents.

Have you started the assessment process to be assessed as a potential carer? You’ll likely find the assessor is a lot more supportive regarding your mixed feelings and need for time than the safeguarding social worker, who I’m assuming is the pushy one. The assessing social worker should also be able to signpost you for additional support in processing your feelings.

If you do take them, make sure you find out clearly what the financial implications are for you, Social Services want them to come to you, it's cheaper than care. I work with families and support with benefits, I hear families telling me the Social Workers are making promises or assumptions about finances, they then find themselves supporting the children financially with little support.

OP has to think about what’s best for herself and her life. It isn’t her responsibility to clean up anyone else’s mess. Taking the children isn’t ‘doing the right thing’ if she doesn’t want to do it.

How does family fostering work? I grew up with my parents fostering and they did lots of respite for foster families wanting holidays and respite. I myself have been funded via SS to provide respite for a family fostering situation but this was years ago and they too were really struggling soay have been entitled to funds you may not be. But it's definitely worth asking about the respite. And I think you can get the money a foster carer gets despite being family?

There are certainly loads of charities to fill the gaps in support and taking looked after kids on short trips you can utilise. I'd also recommend cubs/scouts hopefully the same pack as they go on camp really affordably and that's a break for you.

There are not enough foster caters and siblings get split and places miles from family. People believe in the system so much but from what I've seen lots of the carers do it for what they see as easy money and don't give the level of care kids who just got removed from their family need. I e probably only known a handful well enough to judge them though obviously there will be loads of good ones but you can't be sure you get a good one. Then there is social workers they change a lot and are overworked. You advocating for these kids likely will be best for them.

And I fully get why you are angry. Doing the right thing means putting a child's need before your own. You chose not to have kids and should not have to deal with this it's just so unfair to you not just the children.

Before you actually take the kids in now is the time to make the demands for respite from SS. Once you have the kids things won't materialise. Get it in writing via email verbally on the phone is meaningless. If you are involved in the making of the CP plan then get respite out in there "to maintain the workability of the placement" or some such wording it will need to be child focused but what's best for them is a stable home for you to offer that home you will need to not completely loose your life

I 💯 agree with this.
OP this is not your problem to fix.
Do not take these kids in unless you really want to, because it's going to be tough. And if you resent them it will be terrible for them and you. . Plus it may not end here, your relatives may have more babies in future and you will then be expected to take them as well.

Taking kids in out of guilt and not because you want to and feel equipped to deal with the issues that come with childhood trauma is failing the children.

Op will be raising two children with complex sn's.
It is not kindness to herself, her dh, and the kids for failure.

I'm raising a child with trauma. I did the courses, did the reading, and I was still unprepared for the violence and chaos of parenting a child who has experienced trauma.

My aunt and grandparents refused to take in me and my siblings. We were separated and placed in different families. I don't feel angry with her.

Taking in vulnerable kids out of guilt or pity is not a good idea. I would hate to be taken in just because someone felt it was the right thing to do.

I was brought up by my maternal grandparents after my mother died and it was decided to be best option as my dad had to work etc. They did try, bless them, but a mixture of grief and resentment (as to them having go through bringing up another set of children when theirs were grown) was palpable as I was growing up. I knew I wasn't really wanted there and they hated my dad when he tried to move on with his life which caused a huge amount of stress and the impact on me is long lasting. If you feel resentful and that you MUST do it, then DON'T. Much better for the kids to live with someone without the bias - you can keep a close relationship with them.

I completely agree.
The OP certainly doesn’t have to do this but I think that it would be best bc or the children if they care for them and could come to terms with the change. I personally wouldn’t be able to walk away and think for a lot of people there would be a lot of guilt where that is reasonable or not.

I would absolutely say no to this.

You have one life, and you are totally within your rights to live it as you want to. You chose not to have children, and it isn’t on you to take in and raise these ones. You are already angry and resentful, and while your husband may support you now the reality for both of you could blow your lives apart.

You didn’t create this situation, and it isn’t your responsibility to fix it.

if you love these children you do have to foster them

Absolute rubbish-I wish people wouldn’t try to guilt trip posters.

@1sttimehelp be very careful what social services promise you. Friends of mine fostered and were promised separate counselling for each of them, the foster child and their own child-none of it ever happened. Another lady I knew through work was heavily pressurised into taking three children from a family member and because of the way social care organised it, they weren’t able to claim any money for fostering them. I forget what it was called-kinship order or special guardianship maybe?

I wouldn’t do this if I was you. You can love these children but not want to be solely responsible for raising them.

I also agree, don't do it if you are not 100% committed to it.

One aspect I am not sure if any one else has mentioned - how well will you manage the inevitable parental interference? They know where you live, they know how to contact the kids any time they want to. They could well turn up on your doorstep high or pissed.

The best case scenario is that the one or both parents pull their fingers out, get their act together and the kids return to them. But it would be a managed return. I would be concerned about having to deal with aspect too.

I would step back and let events take their course, but ask to have regular contact with the kids, maybe overnight, maybe getting involved and going to school assemblies etc so the kids know they have a family adult on their side.

But don't be railroaded into fostering.

*Hey OP. You are right that we do look for children to be with family where possible, as research tells us this tends to be best and courts take this line very firmly.

However, that doesn’t mean you should accept this arrangement or be pressured into it. A failed placement is also really detrimental to children, worse in fact.*

I’d really listen to this. Yes it’s best for children if they can stay within the family network. It is however very hard - it’s hard for family members who really want to do it, much harder for those who feel pressured into it.

Kinship care isn’t well supported, you don’t have the same (minimal) support that foster carers get, financial support can be hard to come by and the kind of therapeutic help the kids will need just doesn’t exist the way it needs to eg easily accessible, long term and ongoing. If you have any doubts, don’t do it.

You can have a continued relationship if the children go into foster care, social work should facilitate this. While outcomes for care experienced children aren’t great generally, there’s a lot that can be done to mitigate the impact and the local authority retains responsibility for support and care. It’s a hard decision but if you decide to care for these children you need to be able to do that with an open heart and a willingness to learn how to parent them from a standing start, in a particular way that helps them recover from their trauma. It’s not easy, it’s absolutely ok to say it’s not for you.

My best friend is a foster carer, some points to consider

• she does not work, her full time role is the provide the support for the children (she has an income per child)
• she also has support of her partner , who works, this allows her to have breaks the odd evening/ lunch over a weekend etc
• her and her peers have all been parents themselves so have pre-existing parenting skills
• nearly all of the children have different , sometimes complex needs, which can be challenging (due the impact of what the children have experienced)
• as a foster cater she accesses regular meetings with SW and has accessed CAMS
• she has had to have multiple contact with schools to try and support / manage some of the children’s behaviours (time requirement during school hours)
• she also has to manage contact visits with family members (on weekends)
• as a foster cater she has been able to access some councilling for her self for her own well-being ( even for experienced foster carers it can be demanding)

Foster carers can provide the homes and support these children need.

So- it may help to compare what you can offer compared to foster carers and what will be the best for not only children but yourself.

Don’t forget- foster carers choose that role.

This sounds like a good idea , i can see your very unfair dilemma.

from reading other posts here, SS will want to place them with family because it is far cheaper and nearly no effort for them.

But you won't get paid fosterers allowancy, you will get the much lower family version and possibly much less support.

In your shoes? I would say absolutely not. And ask if you can still keep contact with the kids.

You need to look at this logically OP

Can you provide financially for these kids long term. How will this impact your financial future, will you need to take days off work if DC are sick or covering school holidays.

Can you cope mentally, you have decided not to have children yourself so how are you going to be equipped to parent two likely traumatized DC.

Can you protect yourself from the parents of these DC, will they cause problems for you.

What emotional support do you have, do you have a partner that can support you, any other family members that can support you and allow you to have breaks by taking the DC for weekends or on school holidays.

I would not expect any support from SS if you take these DC. A family member of mine was guilted into taking on a troubled grandchild against all their own instincts. Pressured as he was family, it was only right to take in GC, how could you let him go into care. This was six months ago, after countless pleas for help from SS, endless visits to the home by cops to try to wrangle this kid, finally last week this 13 year old kid beat his grandmother so badly she ended up in hospital. The grandparents can't take any more, he now has to go into care which is exactly where he should have been placed six months ago, but now his relationship with GP is completely fractured. Hopefully now he can get the expert care he needs to heal his trauma but I don't know if there's any way back for the family relationships.

Please think carefully and realistically about what you can cope with, there's no shame in not being the best resource for the DC right now.

@1sttimehelp and does your sister also expect you to take her kids in?? do you have a long term partner? how are you expected to live your life while watching her kids? your sis and her ex and both being extremely selfish and I am sure their actions will be remembered by their kids when the kids are older!