Full of resentment and anger

Foster parents are basically professional parents. They are so good at being parents and enjoy it so much, they have taken it up as a career.

To put it bluntly, the way you have framed this, they are likely to be significantly better parents than you will be.

Please don't think you have to have the children.

"The system" isn't such a bad thing.

I'm a foster carer and have three foster children long term.

We adore the children like they are our own and they have a great life with us.

That's what our "job" is and we have chosen to do this!

Please don't feel you have to give everything up because you don't want them to go into the system.

Exactly , well said. I’m not thrilled with so many people insinuating it’s the kind thing to do when often it’s not. OP should not feel guilty if she doesn’t take them in.

I used to work in social services and I was sick to the back teeth of these kind of families who were compelled purely by guilt to take on kinship placements.

They ticked all the boxes but really they did such an inadequate job and the child could always see their heart wasn’t in it.

Not sure where you are, but "the system" in the UK often involves children going to lovely confident carers as a substitute family. As a guide leader, we see children in care coming to us from really great substitute families, who get "club" and uniform costs paid for them, as well as all their board and lodging. These folks are vetted and trained, have the room.

You would, as a relative, not get so much, so I wonder if you could actually afford to give them that level of support and activities? They are usually a couple (although I have seen mother and daughter teams). It sounds as if you are single? Ask any single parent if they would choose that ( yes, they love their kids, but I doubt they find it easy doing it alone).

If the parents are flakes, then you may well also find yourself providing a complete new wardrobe, books and toys as well as beds and bedding to set them up. I have a friend who took one her nieces, and it was everything down to toothbrush and comb (then they went back, took it all with them, and then she had to do it again).

I agree with you but I completely see why the Op is finding it so difficult. I could never not see it as the right thing but appreciate I'm biased as I'm imagining my own nephews. It must be really, really hard.

Op was just thinking of a family who fostered kids I went to school with. Their lives were enriched by being fostered by them, genuinely the foster parents were incredible - it's okay to consider that some people may be better equipped than you are for this. Again I'm so sorry I can't imagine how awful this must be.

Taking in kids you are not capable of parenting is not doing the right or kind thing.

Enough of us have been in the system and learned what happens when parents don't know how to raise kids with trauma. You aren't doing them a favour.

I'm raising a child with trauma. I can't be a decent parent. Or even a good parent. I have to be pretty bloody fantastic most days because the cost is too high.

Also chances are op would need to quit her job. These kids are going to need a lot of patience and care.

So sorry for this Op, I know people say you don't have to Foster them but like you I'd feel that I did have to and you're doing the right thing it'll just take a huge adjustment. So cruel for you to be put in such a dilemma though where if you put them in the system you'd have that guilt forever more. So many people should not be parents.

So I'm a product of "the system" and I agree with others who have said don't do it... you'll also be piggy in the middle of both parents, it'll change the family dynamic massively and will have more of an impact on you than just needing childcare. Let the trained professionals do it... You ARE NOT putting them into the system, the parents are.

My heart goes out to you. I am aware of family members who have fostered/adopted children in their family because the alternative was for the children to be taken into the care system. You need to give this some serious thought. How would you deal with the children being in care and you being actively involved in their lives? That is an option. The other is to have them permanently with you and adapt your life accordingly, a major adjustment.
You have every right to be angry and resentful at the parents.
There are some amazing foster families out there.
I wish you all the best in making your decision

We can't sleep or think straight right now. It's a no win situation. One of the most difficult part is managing contact with the parents. They are currently separated so it's every weekend and it's hard. My grandson is difficult after each one. There's a definite expectation that we will just do it and we don't want to really. It's one of the most common things kinship carers say is an issue as they are also probably managing their feelings about the parents too. It takes an awful lot of energy to paste a smile on for three hours. The Kinship website may be able to offer you advice or provide some useful information. My only advice is to be 100% sure it's what you can do now and into the future. You are important too and you matter as much as the children. Another poster told you you aren't up to the job, that poster hasn't a clue about you. Only you know. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The parents created this, not you.

I don't think you're in the right frame of mind to take on 3 children full-time.

It's a huge task and responsibility for even the most enthusiastic.

And what experience do you have of parenting?

I'd offer to take the children for every other weekend, and some holidays - but with all due respect, I don't think you're up to the job.

Time to call in child services and call your family to account and limit your involvement.

Just because your family is useless - doesn't make you the martyr or saint to the rescue.

You might be well-meaning. You might think you're the best of a bad bunch. But if these children have been messed up or messed about - they're going to kick out and be a handful.

And just as an aside, what co-parenting help are your family offering?

OP the important thing is, what's best for the children.
Living with you isn't necessarily "best" for them just because you're related. Looking after children is hard bloody work, harder than you could ever imagine, that breaks many of us, who desperately wanted children, chose to have children and thought we'd do an ok job as parents! 😂😫 You will always be in their life, but it doesnt mean you have to be their primary caregiver ❤️

This is really important, if they are under the care of the local authority they are responsible for helping through to uni, if you get a residence order that help will end. I would seriously consider being a supportive and in contact aunt while they go in foster care, the parents are more likely then to possibly get help from social services to turn their lives around, be really careful you don’t have get landed and they (ss) forget about the parents x

We are in the same position with our grandson. We have been approved as temp foster carers and have been assessed for permanent fostering. It's been four years of hell since he was born. Crappy parenting again, no accountability at all. It's totally natural to feel resentful of the situation. We are in a situation we did not want or ask for and we are also the only family available. We are in our 60s now and had hoped for a quiet retirement .
Like you, we cannot see a child go into the system with people he does not know. Life chances are reduced for children in care. It was a Dutch option for us. Take him into our home, we both adore him and he is our only grandchild and adjust our life to make sure we are still happy and living fully or say no and have no life at all while we battle with the guilt and sadness of what we did or didn't do.
It's a highly emotional time, lonely and depressing. We are currently waiting to see if the parenting assessment is going to be positive or negative and it's excruciating. Having no control or agency over our lives or a family member is terrible, whilst the state makes a decision that may end up being the wrong one which does further damage at best and at worst it's unimaginable.
Anyone who says focus on the child is staying the obvious but you are allowed to be a whirl of emotions and to be unsure one minute and sure the next. It's a massive undertaking. Our grandson has been with us on and off for two years. We had to give up work early, use all of our savings and then he returned to parents. Within three months it went spectacularly wrong and legal proceedings commenced, and again we were thrown into chaos. Who wouldn't be angry and upset about that, but it's the situation not the child. He is the victim and we want to protect him. I admire your honesty and your desire to make things better for the children. All I can suggest is that you find someone to talk to and insist on regular updates from the social worker and don't let them walk all over you. Kinship carers have enormous pressure placed upon them because social services know there is an emotional connection. Good luck for the future.

Do not allow SW to bully you. Have a friend or someone else with you for any interview and tape it.

Your friends are correct. Don't beat yourself up

also bear in mind that if you do take them in, can’t cope, your relationship/career/life falls apart and they have to be taken into foster care anyway, then that will likely cause more damage to them than going directly to foster care. You would also left completely traumatized with your life in pieces around you.

You don’t want this and aren’t prepared for it. You would be doing yourself, your husband and those children a complete disservice because of a misplaced sense of moral obligation and a desire to people please. Catch yourself on this one.

YANBU for being angry with your relative and ex for being shitty parents.

Agree with PPs about thinking it over with a hard head.

Are the DC being permanently taken from their parents, or would there be a scenario where, should you agree to ‘kinship’ caring for them, they could be returned to or back & forth between you and one or both parents? That would be extremely stressful.

Your H sounds great, but sadly it’s not a given that your relationship would survive the pressures of foster parenting.

Similarly, wouldn’t assume you or the DC would get much or any help from social services or the NHS (eg if the DC develop mental health issues).

Nor that the DC would get great, local, stable care with regular contact with you and other relatives under their alternative options.

And can I just add my uncle (and gran who lives with him) took me in as unofficial (ss weren’t involved) kinship carer when I was a kid for one year as my mum was struggling with housing and living in another part of the country.

It was one of the happiest years of my childhood and as someone who never had a father as a child I’ll be forever grateful for him for providing me with a taste of that .

My only regret is that I didn’t stay there permanently - I had a happier existence with him over my mum.

He has always been childfree and unmarried but the difference is he clearly wanted to look after me. Had he been a reluctant carer 5 year old me would’ve sensed it and been broken.

Don’t do this if your heart isn’t in it, it’s not kind and it’s not fair.

Personally I wouldn't do it. I'm not even childfree, but there's no way I'd turn my life upside down for kids that aren't mine. Not your kids, not your problem.

exactly, this is what people don’t get. Statistically speaking these children are already more likely to achieve poor outcomes whether they stay at home with bio parents in chaos, go to “normal” foster care or get a kinship care placement with OP - but ultimately that’s all down to the parents.

Their best bet is to get a long term foster placement with foster carer who value education and can give them stability in both their home and the school they attend. That may help them overcome some of their likely outcomes -it’s not all doom and gloom and I’ve seen many foster kids go on to thrive.

Honestly OP I think professional foster carers are a better option for them if you've had no experience especially with SEN.

I have a daughter with ADHD and ASD it is extremely tough and I work full time.

I would suggest let the system create stability, they have all the right access to different agencies etc you and your husband can support them by being in their lives for weekends, some holiday etc.

You do know if things go wrong and you have taken them in you forever be held accountable by their feckless parents.

No, you are not being asked, from your posts so far. There is a situation that you feel some moral obligation to deal with, yet there isn't an obligation, it is of your own making.
Tbh, the kids may fare better in the system; they may well get good foster families etc, whereas you have no parenting experience (not criticising, just fact)
Don't feel you have to do this; your life is your life. Don't enable the crap behaviour of others in your family. No-one will thank you for it.
And such and arrangement may be detrimental to kids

Is there a chance that one of the parents could rehabilitate with support so that they can take their dc back? Was one of them abusive?