Full of resentment and anger

To echo others, don't feel you have to then them in - better to be a loving auntie who makes time for them and see them regularly. If you chose not to have kids, the. Taking on kids who will no doubt have emotional issues resulting from being removed from their parents is a very big ask. You are allowed to put your needs first, and then focus on how you can best support the kids other than through having them live with you.

I think your feelings are very valid considering you decided not to have children yourself. It's a huge decision for you & your husband to make whether or not you will take on these kids or not. You'd not be letting them down if you decided not to. Their parents have already let them down by not providing a stable home for them. Talk to the SW be honest about how you're feeling & ask if there's any support groups you can attend with others in the same situation. You'll get some insight as to what to expect having chats with others in the same going through the same thing. I hope whatever you decide it works out well for the children.

Don't do it.

You don't want to, you just feel obligated or that you're a better option in a shitty situation but you likely won't be.

You feel angry and resentful towards their parents now and those kids are very, very likely going to want more than anything to be with their parents and try to do everything they can to be with them now or when they turn 18 (or before depending on the care order)

They very likely won't be grateful for you stepping in and making sacrifices to care for them because it's not what they want and they probably won't understand or appreciate it until well into adulthood, if ever.

Foster caring, familial or otherwise can be very rewarding but also often thankless, particularly from the children involved and that's the harsh reality.

You can think their parents are utter shithouses but often, the kids think their parents are fantastic and social services were out of order. That's trauma for you. But it also means you could sacrifice the life you wanted for years and it will never be acknowledged that you did a good thing.

Professional FCs find that hard but non-professional family carers often find it even harder.

I've known many Grandparents or Aunts/uncles find it extremely difficult when the traumatised kids become increasingly challenging towards teenage years because they're often doing the same things their parents did at that age which the family carer finds incredibly hard as the emotional dynamics are different to a professional FC who doesn't have that history with the family.

I should also add that in my son's case, his auntie, who was married with 2 children and had a financially and emotionally stable life, was practically begged by his social worker to take him but she refused. They didn't think any less of her, I think they just automatically look to family first before placing with foster carers.

How old are they? And you? This seems like such a massive undertaking. How long could it be for. If the kids are with you, then are the parents less likely to get thenesleves sorted out.

My ds was in foster care from 12 months until I adopted him aged 4. The family who fostered him were lovely and he had a happy life with them. I also know a lovely couple who foster and my dh and I were training to be foster carers until he became ill and we had to stop. We would have provided a good home if we'd carried on. The children will be placed with someone who wants to foster them, if this isn't you then don't do it. Instead, be a big part of their lives, visit them, take them out, just be there for them, making sure they are OK. You don't have to foster them if you don't want to, they'll still be OK.

I should add that my DD had already been a fully trained foster carer for some years so had experience of dealing with traumatised children.

My DD is single and has chosen to adopt two young siblings, not relatives. It's been very hard work. We've moved to be close to help as she needs to go on working.
If you've previously chosen to be child-free I'd give it a lot of thought before taking them in.

DD's children were taken removed from their mother and initially an aunt was asked to take them in, but she was not at a stage in her life when this was possible so made the sensible decision to refuse.
It isn't clear from your posts whether it is likely that the children would be returned to their parents but it sounds unlikely. It might make more sense for them to be adopted by a family who want them, so don't let anybody guilt you into taking them yourself.

OP, I really feel for you here.

Take time to think.

There is no ‘should’ or ‘ought’.

In the end, IF you decide to take them, it will be better for you and the children if it was your active choice to do so and not a guilt trip driven ‘have to’. You really don’t ‘have to’. But it is up to you if you choose to.

I wish you well.

That’s possibly what the family thought when they took their nephew in as well - that they would make him feel loved and valued and not just a lodger.

I worked as a teacher within social services and I saw very well intentioned families largely compelled by guilt to take their niece/grandson etc in and gradually as time went on it would be very evident that they didn’t want the child there and they were a disruption to their life.

My point being is please don’t be so sure that you’ll be able to disguise or change your feelings of resentment. I’m sure some people do, but it’s not something everyone manages to do successfully.

Hi op, i do kinship assessments as part of my work, I just want to say that your experience is incredibly common. The last 3 assessments I was given, the family member withdrew in the early stages, and I have nothing but compassion and respect for them in that horrible decision. I would imagine its the child's social worker pushing the assessment? As in my experience, kinship assessing social workers are far more attuned to what is best for carers and as such, for children (because it's our job to have the eye for any ambivalence on the carers part) we can't make the decision for you and can't be seen to have an opinion either way, but I would encourage you to talk through your worries with the kinship team.

This is a huge step and commitment, so do not be bullied by social workers. You can still maintain a relationship with the children, perhaps have them for odd weekend. Parents are despicable.

I know someone who took in their nephew when their DSis died suddenly and it was an utter nightmare for the child.

The family who took him in (aged 12) really didn't want another mouth to feed, and had no idea how to deal with a child who was probably pretty traumatised by the sudden death of his mother. He was an only child and had been very close to his mother, and yet they did nothing much for him. Put a roof over his head, gave him his own bedroom and pretty much left him to it. I understand that he spent most of his time shut in his room, gaming or studying and wasn't really part of the family at all. At 18 he went to university and never returned and has no contact with his aunt and uncle. He must be roughly late 20s now and they have no idea where he is living or what he is doing.

They failed him really badly, I think.

I was offered a young child related to my partner. I had a young child at the time. I had two teenagers about to leave home. I decided not to foster this child. I felt I had enough energy for one child, but not two. I understand your position, it’s difficult, but unless you feel committed and comfortable with your decision, I’d advise you to say No. All the best.

I'm a retired teacher and knew from a very early age - before I went into teaching - that I did not want children of my own and would have made a poor parent as a result. I enjoyed working with (secondary age) children, however.

Nobody who knows they don't want children should succumb to pressure to take on family members' kids - it's not in the children's best interests at all.

Taking on 2 kids is a massive commitment, and 2 kids who have had to be removed from their parents may well be upset and require a lot of support that anyone would struggle to give. They may also display all sorts of challenging behaviours. Even for someone who was 100% committed to fostering them could well find it very demanding.

No-one should be pressurised or guilt-tripped into taking this on. You can still be a great support to them, OP, even if they're living elsewhere.

Usually the process for kinship care is

1. Viability assessment is completed. This is a very brief assessment to ascertain whether the placement is a runner. It is at this stage that you should share your reservations about how angry and resentful you may feel. This is where you will suggest what you would wish for your future relationship to look like for the children. I.e. do you want to be considered only as a short term carer while the care proceedings are happening ( the court case where the LA is trying to devise the long term care plans for the children) or if you are putting yourself forward as the permanent carer for the children in the event that parents are assessed to be unable to meet the needs of the children in their timescales.

You can out yourself forward for either of these or both. Obviously you can decline both as well.

1. Further assessment will be completed to either register you as a foster carer or as a special guardian depending on what you want. You should be given legal advice about both these options to consider.

The assessment of you might not be positive- especially if you do not want to care for the children.

You don't have to do it.

You might be the only person left, but you still don't have to do it.
Suddenly taking on 2 children, becoming a single parent, and absorbing them into your life is a HUGE ask.

I actually had a friend very recently in the same situation... Do you live in Norfolk?

But what you MIGHT want to do, is take on the role of a trusted adult in their lives. Wherever they end up, staying in touch, taking them out occasionally, doing birthdays and Christmases etc, attending parents evenings and events at school, etc etc.
Children - especially those in the care system - need as many of those types of adults as they can get.

Please do not take on these children when you clearly begrudge it. There are couples that would welcome them with open arms.

There’s a huge dearth of foster carers, it’s not unusual to literally have nowhere to place a child - children as young as 6 ending up in residential care. Given the responses of folk on this thread who are clear they wouldn’t take related children in, it should be no surprise there’s not a stream of people wanting to be foster carers. That isn’t the OPs problem though, she needs to make the right decision for her but let’s not pretend there’s a choice of easily available, skilled foster carers out there, because there really isn’t.

That’s not true @MumTeacherofMany it sounds like social services are, in the first instance, seeking temporary care for the DC. UK has shortage of foster care. There isn’t a surplus of people offering it or seeking to adopt DC in these circumstances

Understandable that OP has a lot of thoughts and feelings as she and her H consider what to do for the best.

Please do not take on these children when you clearly begrudge it. There are couples that would welcome them with open arms.

As with the option of Op and her H doing kinship care there are uncertainties and drawbacks with the alternative options for them.

Many foster carers can offer stable, quality care. Some don’t, however, and there aren’t enough so the odds are high of instability and some not good experiences with that pathway.

We have been there, it nearly broke us😢 we initially agreed a short term placement - more than 2 children. SS are very pushy, we refused to do without any payment, we were assessed as foster carers. The children were very angry & unsettled- understandably. There is so much involved ‘ours’ had regular contact with parents - split family so 4 visits to transport to & from werekly, medical problems that needed numerous hospital/dentist visits. It was impossible to work full time. Children eventually went in to full time care, we saw/see them regularly - parents never ‘got their s**t together so they weren’t returned as they had promised, which hasn't helped their relationship with the children. Think VERY long & hard. Be a good auntie - on your terms, don't let your heart rule your head.