Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to step down from being a bridesmaid?

64 replies

Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid · 03/05/2024 09:00

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid last summer and ai was flattered to be asked and said yes without really thinking about it. Since then I’ve had massive second thoughts and the reasons are:

  1. the outfit doesn’t fit me and I have to lose weight to get into it (it’s off the peg and I don’t know how easily it can be adjusted. The size bigger was just as unflattering. Also I can’t wear a bra with it. I’m trying to lose weight but am menopausal and it’s just not coming off.
  2. I’m the oldest bridesmaid and the thought of being photographed and seen next to the other, younger and more glamorous bridesmaids absolutely terrifies me.
  3. I have to get dh to do a two hour round trip to drop me at the venue in the morning as I have to get ready with the others
  4. I just feel I’m too old for all this shit

Would it be terrible to ask the bride if I could drop out? I feel awful, I should have said no when I tried the outfit on but I didn’t have the heart to as my friend was so excited and I thought ‘ah well I’ll just lose weight’ however the weight is refusing to come off 🤦‍♀️

I feel really vain and horrible about this but it’s really worrying me and the whole thing is making me feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid · 03/05/2024 09:23

@MassiveOvaryaction having a different outfit won’t be possible unfortunately as there aren’t any complementing styles and I’d stick out even more! I would absolutely explain to her and probably buy her a bottle of her favourite wine to enhance the apology.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid · 03/05/2024 09:20

@Harara thank you for your insightful post. You are right and this is why I feel so wretched about the whole thing - a combination of feeling so flipping annoyed at myself for my insecurities (they go back many years, in fact I had an ED in my teens and twenties) so trying to unravel it all now is probably a bad idea). I totally agree this is my lovely friend’s big special day and I hate the thought of letting her down. I’m. Not normally flaky - I actually hate flakiness - which is another reason why I’m in such a conflict and up until now have been telling myself just to get on with it and suck it up. As the day’s getting nearer I’m finding myself fretting more and more!

OP posts:
MassiveOvaryaction · 03/05/2024 09:17

You'd be massively unreasonable to just say "I'm not doing it" without talking to your friend about your concerns first.

If you could have a different dress to the others @Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid would you do that? Can you not stay nearer the night before so you don't have to get dh to drive you in the morning?

Harara · 03/05/2024 09:16

Other people seem to feel YANBU, so maybe IABU, but I find this really sad. It’s your friend’s wedding. If it’s someone you actually care about, can’t you just focus on her and celebrating a nice occasion, rather than your looks? I agree with the PP who said exchange the dress for a size bigger and get it altered, obviously it needs to fit. But do you want to keep living your life like this? If you’re really that uncomfortable with your weight that it’s going to stop you doing stuff, IMO it would be good to address that, either by losing some weight, or by accepting that this is you now and making the most of how you look at this weight, and tbh reassessing your priorities a bit and putting more focus on other people and being a good friend and celebrating joyful occasions and less on obsessing about your insecurities.

RampantIvy · 03/05/2024 09:13

It was rather thoughtless that your friend bought a dress that was the wrong size in the first place.

I think the only thing you can do is tell her, and offer to pay for the dress.

user1492757084 · 03/05/2024 09:13

You could politely drop out but do so ASAP so she can replace you.
Have you thought of asking whether you could choose a different style of dress, given that you are older.
Could DH not fill in his day being useful and finding something interesting while you are getting ready?

MatildaTheCat · 03/05/2024 09:12

I pulled out for a similar reason and when I saw the bridesmaids and their dresses ( I hadn’t even seen them, the bride was just going to get one for me) I had never felt so relieved.

It’s supposed to be fun. If it’s not fun you don’t do it. Maybe you could offer another role such as reading a poem or helping with flowers?

Original poster
Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid · 03/05/2024 09:09

Sorry when I said obviously I didn’t mean that sarcastically at you @Lockupyourbiscuits 😄

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid · 03/05/2024 09:08

She has paid for the dress but obviously I’d reimburse her.

OP posts:
Lockupyourbiscuits · 03/05/2024 09:08

If she hasn’t forked out for the dress it’s fine to say would u mind if I just attended as a guest
maybe u can help in another way
a reading or hand out confetti or something similar

ToxicChristmas · 03/05/2024 09:07

Just be absolutely honest and tell her everything you've said to us here. I'd be heartbroken if my friend had been putting herself through hell trying to lose weight for a dress and worrying.

ExplodingCarrots · 03/05/2024 09:05

If she's a good friend she will understand . My sister was going to be my bridesmaid and she was completely honest from the start and said she'd be really uncomfortable. She was basically forced to be bridesmaid for two SILs and she hated it and knew she could be honest with me . I'd never want her to do something she wasn't happy with . She still got ready with us all and helped out in parts but without the pressure and wearing something she didn't want to .

Revelatio · 03/05/2024 09:05

If it’s off the peg, can you return for the bigger size and get it taken in? There’s no law that says you all need to get ready together, just say you’ll be along later.

Blueuggboots · 03/05/2024 09:01

No, just tell her you'd rather come as a guest. If she's your friend, she'll understand.

Swipe left for the next trending thread