AIBU to step down from being a bridesmaid?

I've been a bridesmaid 5 times; once under 10 yo, all the others as an adult.
As a girl I remember the giddy excitement, the beautiful dress and having lots of attention.
As an adult it has been a privilege to have been asked (best friend and 3 sisters) and not a hassle at all (in fact I loved that I didn't need to find a dress to wear!). All have been quite different, but none of the brides have been monsters.
One sister did get a bit carried away: could I grow my hair for the wedding - no, and could I wear a padded bra so my dress (which had been made to measure so his fault if he didn't measure me properly) fitted better - also no.

It was also so lovely to help the younger bridesmaids as an adult one.

I don't know why anyone over the age of 10 would want to be a bridesmaid. It's so much hassle.

My longest standing friend didn't want to be a bridesmaid in a frock, she said it just wasn't her thing but she was a bridesmaid in every other way. She was a rock on the day, by my side while we faffed about and when I was nervous, she helped me dress and change for going away etc and I was so grateful. If you can summon the courage to speak to the bride then maybe an offer to help like this might suit you both.

Oh gosh I feel for you! Why don’t you show your friend the post, it might be easier than trying to explain. It would be ironic if she had included you as bridesmaid because she thought you would be gutted not to be one. It might be absolutely lovely for her to have some one with her on the day who can reassure her, help out the other bridesmaids, carry her lipstick and safety pins and generally enjoy the day with out feeling self conscious. Good luck

One of my bridesmaids insisted I buy the smaller size as she was 'definitely' going to lose weight. I wanted to buy the bigger size. Guess who had to squeeze into her dress and asked me if she could change immediately after the ceremony?

Hello, I dropped out of being my good friend’s bridesmaid because I was pregnant and felt ridiculous in the dress. Instead I did all the duties of the bridesmaid before the wedding, helped where I could with the organising, made the wedding favours etc (hen party happened before I dropped out) just the ceremonial part on the day I didn’t do. She was absolutely fine about it and even thanked me in the speech! If she’s a good friend, she’ll understand.

Find a local seamstress after ordering the bigger size @Idontwanttobeherbridesmaid . I think a seamstress can do wonders.

I’ve sewn cups into dresses in the past to give some boob structure where a bra is not possible but if it’s a nightie style satin number that wouldn’t work at all. Rigby and Peller used to do all sort of wizardry with corsetry though so a squiz on their website might bring inspiration?

Ordinarily I’d say just have a chat with her but brides often try to have matching numbers of groomsmen so by ducking out you could cause other issues. Any way to find out?

Not unreasonable to pull out as long as you reimburse her for any costs she’s incurred. However, although your reasons are sound are you sure the problems aren’t insurmountable? As other PP’s have suggested, get the bigger size and get it altered? Get a different but similar dress in the same colour? If you just tell the bride you don’t feel comfortable in the dress surely if she’s a friend she’ll understand and try to help you reach a solution? Ditto with the arrangements for getting ready. Just explain it’s inconvenient for your husband, sort out your own hair and makeup and come along when you are ready. Or travel with the bride or another of the bridesmaids?
Not unreasonable if a solution can’t be reached.

Another thought might be just to wear the bridesmaids dress for The ceremony and then change for the evening? Into something you feel more comfortable with.

I cannot for the life of me understand any Bride who buys her bridemaids dresses in too small a size or a standard size and expects them to lose weight. It's just bizarre. Just chose dresses that come in enough sizes to fit all your bridemaids you loony brides!!

Well done getting the larger size. Also look into strapless bra options, or alterations that allow some kind of bra to be worn. Worried on your behalf OP!

Get the bigger dress, have it altered and be there for your friend. YABU

No bra? No dice!
Goodness me. There's no way I would appear at a formal occasion without foundation garments. What on earth is the Bride thinking?
I wouldn't even take the bins out without a bra on.

I think you should speak to her.
Forget losing weight just for this occasion, it's not worth the stress.

Get the dress in a size bigger and get it altered to fit your actual body. If you have small boobs but want the bra for shape have you looked into stick on type bras? I used one for an event once and it was absolutely fine as a one off.

Ask her if you'd mind getting ready separately to the other bridesmaids given the inconvenience.

The other things you can overcome as they're about your self confidence. Why are you being so down on yourself?

If it was me I would feel more miserable on the day knowing I'd dropped out, than if I was doing my best not to let my insecurities take over and celebrating my friend.

When is the wedding?

I do think YABU for pulling out for the reasons you have. Get a dress that fits. Ask for reasonable adjustments eg can you get a cover up?

Have you been a bridesmaid before? No one really gives a crap about you as a bridesmaid is the reality, they are all looking at the bride!

Honestly I think you will feel worse about yourself on the day as a guest, looking over at the happy group of bridesmaids, feeling like a failure because you couldn't do it. Sorry if that's tough love but I really think you need to have a word with yourself and push through this.x

YANBU I got married recently and would absolutely accept this and your reasons, I'd never want my closest friends/family to feel uncomfortable at my wedding.

I chose the colour for my bridesmaids but then they all chose their own dresses, and had the choice of where to get ready in the morning.

I've been a bridesmaid a few times and hated the 6am wake up for group hair/make up etc when the wedding wasn't until the afternoon 😂

You sound so lovely, I really want you to feel good about yourself.

It would not be terrible to drop out per se, but it would be sad to feel you can't talk to the bride to find a way that makes you both happy.

I’m the oldest bridesmaid and the thought of being photographed and seen next to the other, younger and more glamorous bridesmaids absolutely terrifies me.

I would regard being the brides oldest friend (i.e. for the longest time) as an honour. There's nothing you can do about being older, but glamorous? That's surely in the eye of the beholder or how you're feeling about yourself.

Would you feel happier if you had a dress you felt great in? If this is your oldest friend, and you're willing to do the foot work and pay for additional costs, surely she'd accommodate you?

I can understand how you feel. It would be like me (53) being a BM alongside all my young adult nieces, they just ooze chutzpah and I wouldn't want to try and fit in with them, I'd want to be myself. I know what looks good on me.

Apart from anything else, it is NOT reasonable to expect someone to not wear a bra. I have teeny boobs, and a bra gives the wee girls a bit of shape.

Ah fair. I've been to weddings where chief (older) bridesmaid wore a different outfit to the rest but same colour. Also another where all were wearing different styles/colours. But maybe that doesn't suit your/your friend's style.

And I can see it's about much more than what you're wearing. A good friend will understand

Princess Catherine wore a beautiful non bridesmaid outfit to her sisters wedding as she was matron of honour( chief bridesmaid) . I wonder if you could have a chat regarding outfit choice as I’m sure she’ll really want you to be there on the day to support her etc. could be a long cocktail dress with matching jacket the same colour as bridesmaids.

Is the next size up still available?