AIBU to step down from being a bridesmaid?

Well done OP. Also love the idea of get changed after the pics so you are comfy.

It’s simple to me, life is too short to do stuff you really don’t want to do. I would drop out.

My friend had this exact issue last year, however it was a younger sister who had bullied her into allowing her to buy these hideous golden dresses. They ordered XL with the intention of getting them fitted. However when they arrived they were at least 2 sizes too small for my friend and suspiciously the sisters dress was a perfect fit.
my friend starved herself for months and eventually had to admit to the bride there was no way she was getting into the dress. Bride was very understanding. Turned out another bm was in the same boat. So the sister and one other bm wore the hideous dress, and my friend and other bm got new dresses. Sister threw massive strop at the new dresses. new dresses looked beautiful in the end. I would just admit to the bride, I’m sure she will understand. You shouldn’t have to worry about this.

I don’t blame you

nobody wants to be bridesmaid when you’re 40+

I think it’s really hard but I also think you’ll regret backing out. I get it - I’m add odd shape. Short with big boobs and also as the years have gone on, overweight. The result being getting anything off the peg is a flippin nightmare.

however my best mate who is stunning asked me to be her BM, alongside her other very beautiful friends. Hated the dress tbh, also hated the colour, did naff all for me.

However, I just sucked it up because she meant more to me than the dress in the day. I took no photos for my own memories in that dress but I’m so pleased I have my own memories of the day and spending her special day with her. She didn’t need to hear about my insecurities, it’s just one day, I just had to suck it up. Nobody is looking at the BM’s anyway.

You sound like you really care for your friend, so just remember it’s just one day. Wear a little shawl/pashmina to feel more covered if that helps?

Take yourself and the larger dress to a decent bra shop, i.e. M&S / John Lewis / Rigby & Peller. They will find a suitable bra for you for the dress.

Im glad you've made a decision OP, but really don't feel pushed into being a traditional bridesmaid if you don't want to.

The bits of the role that the bride relies on are for help with getting ready, support, help with varying bits of the organisation/ceremony, etc. All of this can be done while wearing your own clothes

I am assuming by "drop out" you just mean you don't want to stand at the front in a daft dress? Not that you won't go at all?

Go to the early pre-wedding bit with the other bridesmaids, then just sit in the front row and smile supportively. If you've been there for all the other bits, I really don't see what difference being a few feet further back and sitting down will practically make

I think YABU not to go and focus on your friend’s special day for the sake of your appearance, as a PP has said. It doesn’t sound fun for you to not be able to enjoy things like this. Plus if ever there’s a time where people won’t be looking at you it’s someone else’s wedding! Literally no one will be thinking any of the things you think of yourself anyway, but especially on a day where the focus is all on someone else .

If you can, maybe get the size up and go to a good seamstress. They can take it in to make it flattering, add some cups etc. I got my wedding dress a size up and it was like a sack and then a seamstress worked magic on it and everyone said it was the perfect dress but much of it was to do with her altering.

edited as I forgot to add that I was ready to fully support you if it was because you were being asked to pay money you couldn’t afford, or you had responsibilities at home that you couldn’t cover, or she was horrible or something but this seems like a reason that’s not worth missing something which could be really fun. Being a bridesmaid is stressful the day of the wedding is the most fun part!

Great idea. My MIL did this - formal mother of the groom suit to the ceremony and dinner, and more relaxed dress for the evening do.

Since you're older could you ask for maid of honour status and choose a completely different dress/2 piece suit in a similar colour?

Just to say- well done! Get the bigger dress and adjust (could even add a bolero or jacket so you can wear a bra), then take another outfit to get changed afterwards. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if a bridesmaid was wearing a slightly different dress, especially if there was a difference in age or body type. I’m sure you’ll look amazing anyway, and as long as you and your friend enjoy the day who bloody cares anyway! It’s a wedding not an edition of Britain’s next top model!

I’d get a bigger dress and a competent seamstress to not only make it fit well but add some structure to the bust area - then you should feel much more confident in it.

You get cups sewn into the dress instead of a bra.

Can you share the style of the dress?

Get yourself on the Cambridge diet, you’ll fit into that dress and feel a whole lot better, put your big girl knickers on and pull yourself together.
Get an Uber to the house and have some fun getting ready with the others. Your DH can trot along later.
It’s not all about you and It’s just for a few hours. We’ve all worn awful bridesmaid outfits, just grin & bear it

I agree. Seems like all your hesitations about being a bridesmaid hinge on this dress and how you look, which is really sad. She chose you because she loves you and wants to share this special time with you, it seems a shame to waste this opportunity because you don’t like a dress and you’re worried you’ll look ugly next to the other bridesmaids - your friend obviously doesn’t think so.

Can you change into an outfit of your own choosing once the photos have been taken? then bin the dress

My thoughts exactly. You sound like a great friend. I would buy the bigger sorry dress and get it adjusted, look at what bra could be sewn in, etc. As you said, get your hair and nails done, and hopefully, you should feel great!

I really cannot understand why a bride would buy one of her bridesmaids a dress that is far too small. I don’t see why you should reimburse her when she bought the wrong dress. If it can be exchanged, fair enough if you’ve decided to go through with being bridesmaid.

It was very inconsiderate of her to buy that dress.

I'd send her my very best wishes, offer to do any behind the scenes organizing or prep that she would like you to do, and regretfully drop out of the official role. You could say you're having hot flashes from hell and feel horribly self-conscious.

It does sound rather inconsiderate to choose a dress that women can't wear a bra under.

Braless wouldn't work for me - only one boob due to mastectomy - would look very odd! Obviously you don't have this problem though. Agree with others who suggested getting a local seamstress to alter the dress to fit and possibly depending on the style adding some boob support, like a sort of bra sewn into the inside of the dress.

YABU to keep it going on so close to the wedding.

My oldest friend of 30+ years withdrew from being my bridesmaid six months before our wedding with similar reasons to you. By that point I had paid for her dress, hair, makeup deposits and her room at the venue for the night before (it was originally the year before but had to postpone due to covid) so she had plenty of opportunities to tell me she wasn’t comfortable. Also when I asked her to be bridesmaid I said that I would find her another role if she wasn’t comfortable but she assured me she was. Did your friend ask you similar questions?

I feel that the longer you put it off talking to your friend the worse it’ll be received. She will likely have paid for things for you that you’re unaware of, like I did, such as bridesmaid robes, gifts etc.

Trust me your friend would prefer you to be comfortable on the day than dreading it but you need to be honest with her now! Weddings are stressful and expensive as they are.

Thats brilliant well done for putting friendshio first. You sound a great friend and thats why she wants you there.

I felt this exact way about going on a hen do this past weekend, I knew I was the biggest (size 16)because we all had to give our sizes weeks prior for t-shirts being made. Ever since that moment I didn't want to go, I just felt awful, I pushed myself to go and on the hen do and I got pally with another hen and I told how I'd felt self conscious coming knowing I was gonna be the biggest, and she said she felt the exact same way, she was slightly smaller than me I'd say. But it just shows everyone has their own insecurities going on they don't even notice yours.

Brides mum said she felt conscious of the fact she was the oldest. But actually we all just had a great time.

My sister was my bridesmaid. She didn't have any "duties", she just walked down the aisle behind me holding a bouquet of flowers. I didn't need any help getting ready. In fact, I was a little annoyed that she used up all the hot water because she had a bath before me.