To not want a funeral when I die?

And then they will call it 'paying their respects'- by doing exactly what the deceased person clearly asked them NOT TO DO.

Just unbelievable. If someone cannot die without knowing that their wishes would be respected, out of respect- then what sort of 'respect' is that. Appalling and truly horrible.

Perfectly sensible. About 20% of funerals now are direct cremations, ie nobody present. I totally want this - no people, no fuss, no memorial service, no wake. It's just common sense, and means that executors/family don't have all the faff of organising a funeral. Once I'm dead, that's it. Done & forgotten.

The way I see it, funerals are more for the people left behind to grieve, I'll be dead so it doesn't really impact me. I've suggested I'd prefer a direct cremation to my partner, but he said if he's in that situation, he'd prefer to be there, which is fair enough. Basically I don't want money to be wasted on anything fancy, so it's up to whoever ends up arranging it what they want to do.

Exactly. Show funeral indeed! It’s very revealing how disrespectful those people who don’t want funerals are about other people’s choices.

I wouldn’t want one and personally I hate them. Such a sad affair (and expensive). I think there are other better ways to grieve and remember someone’s life and celebrate them.

But it’s very individual.

I'm guessing most of the posts on here are from English people

It’s a very personal choice and mostly for the benefit of those left behind. I would rather no formal funeral, I’m down as a donor so they can take whatever they can for others, then I’d like the rest to be cremated. I’d then like my loved ones to have a ‘fun day’ in my memory, like a mini festival with music and fun, bouncy castles etc for all the kids, bands playing and maybe a tent where people can pin any pictures of me/us and particular quotes/stories/jokes they remember of me which can then be put into an album afterwards for the kids. I’d like my ashes spread at any beautiful place they visit, little bits at a time, my fave beach, holidays they go on, places I wanted to visit, etc.

The ones left who want the 'show' funeral are selfish

Yeah, how dare the grieving family left behind do whatever makes things a tiny bit more bearable 🙄

No, it is not - how one's body is disposed of is completely up to that person.
The ones left who want the 'show' funeral are selfish

A funeral isn't for you, it's for your family and friends to go through a process that helps them deal with your death.

Equally, when my Dad knew he was going to die we chatted about his death and he and the whole family were in agreement that we didn't want any funeral or service. We did it because it helped us deal with his death. It's what we wanted and what he wanted too. It was an easy decision to make.
A few years on no one has any regrets about it either.

I'm not disagreeing that some people need a funeral but for others a funeral is exactly what they don't need.

People can have one or not when I'm gone - I don't care, I'll be dead so unable to participate.

A funeral isn't for you, it's for your family and friends to go through a process that helps them deal with your death.

My uncle died last year and insisted to his family that he didn't want a funeral. They've honoured his wishes but it's left them all in a really weird state of limbo and they've found it emotionally difficult to process it all and move forward. Is that what you want for your family?

On the other hand when my mum died, we had a funeral with some really lovely tributes and a wake afterwards that I feel really honoured her memory.

I agree with this.

How does not having a funeral dictate how people grieve?

Because for many people, funerals are part of the grieving process and saying goodbye.

@saraclara
Hardly anyone who's said that they feel strongly about not having a funeral, has said why they feel that way.

For me once a person dies their physical remains mean nothing to me. The person was only a person when they were alive. So 'sending off' a body is meaningless and feels odd. It's also about how I grieve.
I like to minimise the death part of a persons death and concerntrate on all the memories I have from when they were alive.
The funerals I've been to have been ok but I wasn't particularly close to the people who died - I was happy to go but I find them strange. All the people were nice but hadn't bothered meeting up for years and years. People feeling obliged to travel miles, buy new black outfits and attend a funeral of someone that not everyone even liked.
With my two family who had direct to crem with no service. We obviously spent time together as a family and that felt really wholesome and comforting. Actual friends and acquaintances popped in to my parents family home or we met up for a meal or something like that.
Money wouldn't be an issue in my family but we do like the fact that it saves money. With one relative they were big supporters of a particular local charity so we gave an amount of money to them to represent the 'funeral'
I find the suggestion that you need a funeral for closure very odd as well.
Dying is very final so I don't need a funeral to bring it home to me and I also don't need or want a date imposed on me to mark a change in how I grieve. It's so arbitrary. I don't understand what changes to someone's grief before and after a funeral.

I also not the teeniest bit religious or spiritual.
I understand why some people want
funerals though but they aren't for me.
I think it helps that I'm close with my family and that we are all good at chatting about things. We are sensible and supportive.
I'm glad my family including parent/siblings/husband and kids all think the same. However if they changed their minds that would be fine too. I'm not AGAINST funerals and I can see why they are appropriate or of value in some cases. They just aren't for me.

I take offence at any suggestion that not having a funeral means you are uptight or emotionally stunted or that it must mean you didn't love the person who died enough. Those suggestions are wrong and nasty.

How does not having a funeral dictate how people grieve? You are perfectly able to grieve outside of a funeral. People are entitled to have the sort of funeral they want, and if someone I was planning a funeral for had told me their wishes beforehand then I would respect those wishes - it's the last thing you can do for someone.

What’s fucking rude is dictating how people grieve when you’re not here any more. That’s the disgusting, disrespectful behaviour.

Having thought a lot about this over the last day or so, I think funerals are important ways for society to come together. To see people you might not see otherwise for years, to make bonds between yourselves, to talk to them and ask after them.
Loneliness and isolation are so prevalent, families are so dispersed, there’s often only weddings and funerals.

I think to sit and think about the shortness of life and the sadness of how it passes so quickly, then a happier catch up with people you haven’t seen is really good for you. We are all social creatures, loneliness is the greatest predictor of poor health and early death.

Youre already dead, its sad to be preventing other people from seeing each other and being in a network and offering support to each other.

No funeral for me, my body will be dissected by medical students. Unless I die on a bank holiday, I need to plan for that.

Yes my family recently has a death I didn’t attend the funeral but another family member fed back that it seemed nobody seemed to even know the chap really. One of his children was forgotten about, any stories where from when he was a young lad but he was over 70 when he died. Lots of oh I haven’t seen you since “event 20’years ago” going on between family members.

I think if you believe in say an afterlife of getting to view it as a spirit as such it would be quite disturbing or disappointing to have such a funeral where everyone’s basically there purely from duty with no idea who you where these days.

You would have to be a shit person to go against someone’s wishes.

Or you're someone incredibly swept up in grief and you just want to do something to try and make things a little better for the people left behind.

I think it's really awful to say that someone grieving is a "shit person" just because they want a funeral.

My MIL died recently - she wasn't fussed about a funeral but her children and grandchildren wanted one and so we just had a small service.

I personally think it's a bit "off" to decide in advance how your relatives and friends are allowed to deal with your death.

My mum died last year. She would have been happy with a direct funeral and the money in her savings would have only covered a direct funeral. However, I strongly believe a funeral is about the living. People want to say goodbye, have closure over a death of someone they have loved and will miss. We only had a small service but all her siblings, my cousins, her in laws etc came. It would have caused more upset if we hadn’t had one. It was low key and people came back to mine for tea and cake and a chat after as many had to travel a couple hours home.

I don't want one either, I weirdly imagine watching from the ceiling and seeing people remember a me which I don't recognise as it appears they never really knew me or saw me in a way I didn't like.

I also hate fuss which is odd as I would be dead, again people wouldn't throw me a party now as they know I would hate it and leave to avoid the attention and fuss. So it seems hypothetical to remember someone who for instance feels like that by throwing a big funeral and wake creating the very fuss they hated when they were alive.

When asked I do explain why I don't want one and tell them to do something that simply helps them cope. To only do it for their benefit. They think I'm weird but there's nowt new there.

Hardly anyone who's said that they feel strongly about not having a funeral, has said why they feel that way.

@blackrosemage you've said what the reason isn't, but not what it is. Maybe it would help others understand if they knew that it is that bothers you about a funeral