To not want a funeral when I die?

@fungipie whether it's comparable or not is, imo, personal opinion.

Personally I don't think you can compare what is essentially a medical procedure with a ceremony.

I don't want a funeral either and neither does DH. We're not religious, in our late 60s have no close family younger than us except DS. We have discussed it with him and put it in our wills.

My dad died very suddenly in Spain and wanted to be cremated which isn't really their way so no funeral. We had a small memorial service for him back in the UK and his ashes were put in a niche with my mum's in what had been their local churchyard.

I also think the whole thing has become ridiculously expensive. I'd rather DS got the money, assuming there's any left!

NOt quite the point. But yes, comparable as in respect their wishes or not.

A few facts about the environmental damage of cremation

https://earthfuneral.com/resources/is-cremation-bad-for-environment/

For those who think it is OK to disrespect the choices of funeral, or not, of loved ones- would you also feel ok about not respecting their wishes for organ donation?

I personally don't think they're remotely comparable, but either way I'd be dead so I wouldn't know anything either way 🤷‍♀️

Exactly!

I don't understand why the "wishes" of a dead person take priority over the people who are left behind to manage the aftermath.

I understand following their wishes in terms of cremation or burial, or whether their organs are donated, but not about whether someone has a funeral or not

It genuinely makes no sense to me and o can't believe people think they can dictate how other people get to grieve and mourn once they're gone.

Yes, simple funeral after organ donation. My DH and children know to volunteer and not wait to be asked.

For those who think it is OK to disrespect the choices of funeral, or not, of loved ones- would you also feel ok about not respecting their wishes for organ donation?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, you did exactly what you wanted to do to manage your own sense of loss.

How would you have felt if your DH had insisted that he did want a funeral? Would you have had one because he wanted it?

Why is that worse than someone dictating how their loved ones can and cannot mark their death and feeling of loss? Someone who won't even be there?

There are lots of ways the wishes of the dead can be respected, but this seems an odd thing to be so insistent about.

No limbo here either. DF passed from cancer. We said our goodbyes to him when he was in hospital ( we were told he wasn’t pulling through). Our grief was for the loss of him, that didn’t change because there was no funeral. For me death is very cut and dried. When you’re gone you’re gone. What’s left behind is purely the vessel that carried your personality, likes, dislikes, sense of humour etc.
But I accept everybody is different.

This was an another reason we didn’t have a funeral for DF. Someone stood at the front talking kindly about a man they’d never met.

I can't imagine telling people they couldn't arrange a funeral for me once I was dead - it's not like you know what's happening anyway 🤷‍♀️

Me neither. I could probably pull rank and guilt my relatives into respecting my choices, but why would I want to stop them from holding a service if they felt it would help them?

I don’t want my final message to my loved ones to be “fuck you, it’s all about me”.

Last summer, I went to a humanist funeral at a natural burial ground. The sun shone, the birds sang and the celebrant and close relatives spoke movingly of the deceased. Then we had a wake at a pub. There was a little display of the deceased’s artwork and needlework for us to admire.

Being mindful of your environmental impact doesn’t preclude a funeral.

Yes, I have. Dh & I had the conversation a while back.

I don't much care what happens to me as I won't actually be part of it, so would be happy with direct cremation and for there to be some sort of gathering separately if that's what those left behind want.

He wasn't too keen, and to be honest I think part of that was the hassle - much easier to just let the funeral director get on with things. So the compromise is to pare it back as much as possible because I do have genuine feelings about coffins, flowers etc. I would prefer for the cheapest possible option and for any savings to go to charity and I hope he'll honour that.

Dh wants a burial which is not something I've any experience of since everyone I've lost has been cremated and we've no family tradition of visiting graves, so I've asked him to have a good think about what it is he wants and expects and to write that down. He looked a bit miffed about that, but if you're going to have definite wishes then you need to communicate them - although of course on this thread it's all about the living, so I'd be entitled to give him a woodland burial and have done with it.

There is huge pressure from Funeral Directors to have 'the very best for your dearly departed'. I have witnessed this pressure- it is awful, and turn out to be massively expensive.

I actually found the opposite. I had read about direct cremations on MN when my DM died, but didn't know if they were available in my country. When I went to see the funeral directors about the funeral the first option they gave me was a direct cremation.

@nothingsforgotten yep, and nobody would force you to attend a funeral if you didn't want to.

I can't imagine telling people they couldn't arrange a funeral for me once I was dead - it's not like you know what's happening anyway 🤷‍♀️

I held direct cremations for both my parents, my DF actually expressed his wish for one. I am not in a weird state of limbo and haven't found it at all emotionally difficult to process it and move forward.

Surely you can see that not everyone is the same?

And it would seem that for others it's not. You can't say "goodbye" to someone who is no longer alive, and I would prefer to concentrate on my memories of that person when they were alive.

@WhatDaPoint has written a very insightful post.

Organ donation get first dibs on me, if I die in a way that makes that possible e.g. car accident or something else sudden and the bits are useable. Then I'm signed up for the local medical schools as the next option - so students can learn anatomy. They have some restrictions on use as well, certain infectious diseases rule you out, or if you die when the university is closed and no one can come get you! If med school has me then I think they can either cremate what's leftover or give your body back to your family. I'm not super keen on cremation really just as it's a waste of energy, but it's the most practical option.

My absolute first choice, organ donation aside, would be to take part in "body farm" research but we don't have one in the UK. That would be so cool to be a part of!

Just out of interest, has everyone who doesn’t want a funeral checked with their family to see how they feel about it? And would you change your mind if they were horrified at the the idea?

Nope I don't either. Neither does my mum or my sister. I heard from someone saying they are for the living, not the dead.

My 94 year old nana died in January and she didn't want one either. She didn't want the fuss.

I think they are over priced. I don't want people having to have the stress over that when I go.

Forgot to add just throw me in crematorium 😉 and that's it. Not worried about anything else.

I’ve made it clear that I want a Direct Cremation. It will be my last gift to my sons. And if, when the time comes, they want to do something different that’s OK too.

Thanks for proving my point.

There is huge pressure from Funeral Directors to have 'the very best for your dearly departed'. I have witnessed this pressure- it is awful, and turn out to be massively expensive.

But for me, it is the environmental impact which is totally unacceptable for me, and I don't want to partake, never mind the money. Very expensive exotic woods from rain forests, covered in many layers of toxic lacker, metal handles which will not be recycled, silk inners, and chemicals for embalming. And don't even start on the flowers- brought in by plane from exotic locations, but even more importantly, all placed on polystirene holders.

For me, it will be natural burial ground- wicker coffin or very simple local untreated wood with cotton liner- and 1 single native tree. Simple local flowers without holders and natural ribbon, fine. When the site is full, it turns into a wonderful forest. Cremation is actually not very environmentally friendly and takes up a lot of energy too for the firing.

MY CHOICES and I am so happy to know my DH and 3 boys and family will totally respect them 100%. That is what you do when you truly want to pay your respects- RESPECT their choice.

When my DH died recently, we had an unattended cremation, followed by scattering his ashes at a natural burial ground. (We'd discussed this, and he was a retired professional gardener, so it seemed appropriate) Neither my SIL (his sister) or I want any sort of service. Cremate us and forget about the ashes; our family can remember us without a ceremony.

WHOSE choice, It is NOT yours to make, but the deceased. And you call that 'respect' ???