To not want a funeral when I die?

@ditalini well in my opinion, yes, because they'd be dead and oblivious anyway 🤷‍♀️

I expect that won't be very popular though!

What if everyone except the person who'd passed away didn't want a funeral? Is that ok as well?

To you - I think you're forgetting that anything can be meaningful to humans - we create meaning and ritual as part of our humanity, yes, and it's very shortsighted to assume you know what that looks like.

My ritual, for a loved one who died years ago, is to stop and look at a particular view whenever I pass, which is only every couple of years. It's far more memorable to me than the bog standard funeral service which I barely remember as anything other than an ordeal to get through.

@WhatDaPoint you misunderstood.

I meant what if everyone except the person who had passed away wanted a funeral?

My problem with the alternatives - going to the pub, tea at home, etc - is that they're so mundane, not special and not memorable.

Whereas funerals - all the types on the spectrum, from high church to crem, from humanist to woodland ceremony - have that element of ritual which act as punctuation marks in our life, help people articulate profound experiences - such as birth, marriage and death, provide an unusual setting that allow people to express things (grief, memories, hope) that day-to-day settings don't usually allow for.

The Grayson Perry docu I posted a link to up-thread is good as in it he observes funerals around the world, then discusses how this ritual needs to be modernised to fit with our lives (and finances?) today.

@fieldsofbutterflies

It's like you deliberately didn't read my post properly I literally said It should go without saying that if someone wanted a funeral we would embrace that too.

So, to answer you question, no I wouldn't deny someone a funeral if that's what they wanted. Obviously!

@blackrosemage I guess I just don't understand why it matters when you're dead and gone anyway 🤷‍♀️

You won't know what happens and you won't be the one left to deal with the aftermath of it.

We spent the day at my parents house and have afternoon tea. Much better for us to remember DF in familiar surroundings.

@blackrosemage but what if those left behind didn't want to do those things? What if they felt they needed a funeral in order to come to terms with what had happened - would you really want to deny them that even though you were dead and completely oblivious anyway?

@WhatDaPoint but we're more talking about situations where people aren't in agreement.

If you don't want a funeral and nobody in your family in fussed then it's not a problem - but would you really deny your husband and children the chance to have one if that's what they felt they needed in order to grieve?

Mumsnet has no end of threads about how people don't like to socialise or even open the front door to strangers but somehow not wanting a traditional funeral is seen as wrong. It's a bit pathetic of people to disapprove of how other families deal with death. It's ignorant and a little offensive.

Lots and lots of people are actively choosing not to have funerals and not only because of the costs involved.

I can easily understand why funerals are the right thing for some families but they aren't for everyone. I'm glad that my family and my extended family are in agreement. It should go without saying that if someone wanted a funeral we would embrace that too.

I am uncomfortable with having my en-coffined body displayed and driven down a street in a glass vehicle for all to goggle at and then placed on a plinth and be surrounded by people (half of which won't have made any contribution to my life while I was breathing) making a public display of their sadness at my passing.

So arrange to have a different kind of funeral?

Thanks. I was going to make this very point

I am uncomfortable with having my en-coffined body displayed and driven down a street in a glass vehicle for all to goggle at and then placed on a plinth and be surrounded by people (half of which won't have made any contribution to my life while I was breathing) making a public display of their sadness at my passing. I would much rather a quiet, private celebration of my life which is how I and my close family and friends conduct ourselves in life now.

So leave instructions for the kind of funeral you do want. It really doesn’t have to be the way you say you don’t want. In fact, it sounds like you do want a funeral, just a different kind.

BIossomtoes · Today 10:10

Just out of interest, has everyone who doesn’t want a funeral checked with their family to see how they feel about it? And would you change your mind if they were horrified at the the idea?

Yes, and at present they feel the same as I do. They aren't (any of them) religious, and they don't find comfort in social traditions of this sort.

If they were horrified by the idea, then of course I'd say it was up to them: they'll after all be there and I won't.

I was relieved that my parents didn't want funerals: for me at a time of grief, 'hell is other people' and having to be social about my grief would make my grief even worse. It's not the ceremony; it's having to deal publicly with people's condolences. But I would have followed their wishes.

Funerals are for the living.
We were denied a proper funeral due to lockdown. 10 people only.
It was awful. No proper closure

What is wrong with crying? We should have more crying.

My DF's funeral was a joyous occasion. DH and I and our DSs went to his burial.
Then we went to his memorial service in the local church followed by the funeral tea. Reminiscences, jokes and songs. The church was packed.
When my DB died young it was not a joyous occasion but it was a necessary one. He was hugely popular. Can you imagine a direct cremation and no funeral for him? His family and friends wanted to say goodbye.

Exactly and they’re so depressing. Everyone sat around crying in black. I don’t understand the obsession with them. What a waste of money.

I’d rather my family and friends went to the pub or had a little party and gave me a toast.

Rituals - including around death, funerals - are part of what makes humans different to animals.

I personally feel sad that humans are turning their back on this, especially for financial rather than spiritual reasons. I also think it's really a decision for the living, more than the dead. Funerals tend to help living people to grieve, a coping mechanism, to give a deeper meaning. Funerals mean nothing to the dead.

Grayson Perry's documentary about end-of-life rituals in different communities and cultures around the world, including UK, is very thought-provoking. https://www.channel4.com/programmes/grayson-perry-rites-of-passage

I don't want a funeral - I can't think of anyone except immediate family who would attend (I don't have a social circle/any friends) and its such a waste of money for less than a dozen people. I've asked my DC to give me a direct cremation in a cardboard coffin then use the money saved on a funeral and coffin for a holiday near my favourite beach and scatter my ashes on the cliffs during an offshore gale x need to look into the logistics of this and whether its allowed but that would be my ideal. Also need to write it down somewhere so my wishes can't be overridden by bossy but well meaning people........................