To not want a funeral when I die?

It'd be hugely unusual here I think. And I do find them (personally) a rare occasion to see people you'd normally never see and hear stories about the deceased you've never heard. It's cliche, but they are a celebration of the life. But I do see the point about ignoring the wishes of the deceased. What if we started doing that with wills for example 🫣

I'm from a rural Scottish background. Church funerals and crematorium funerals with a celebrant are a big part of life here. Not having any sort of funeral would be very unusual.

I didn't find either of my parents funerals "cathartic", in fact it was quite the opposite.

@LuckyPeonies
yes, good points, the best funerals are very personal, the worst funerals are very memorable.
but I do think the dead body is a profound experience and good for closure and reflection, which is an unpopular opinion.

I feel like I’ve been to lots of funerals, lots of types, personal and professional, good and bad, I worked in palliative care for quite a few years and I wanted to say that in my experience funerals are very helpful for the bereaved and everyone who knew the departed.

I wanted people who are choosing not to have a funeral to consider if that is perhaps a bit selfish on their part, and are they considering those left behind. To not worry about it being a fuss or an expense or a burden. There are benefits for those left to grieve. If they are determined not to have a funeral, and their relatives are worse off because of it, I don’t know that is a kind choice. I have seen that often, it’s an absolute shame.

Have to say, I'm a bit bemused reading it. There is something very 'special' about a funeral here, it's far from misery and weeping. And in more rural places, special traditions. But I suppose if someone said I do not want a funeral, would I be right to ignore their wishes. I'm not sure.

Either the deceased’s wishes allow the next of kin to avoid a funeral they dread, or they disagree with his/her wishes. If they do, they need to communicate that while the person is still alive, and attempt to change their mind. However, part of respecting the deceased is to follow their wishes. So if they don’t want a funeral, don’t hold a funeral for them.

It is the same as a deceased atheist having made clear they do not want a religious service. Should the religious next of kin override those wishes and hold a religious service? What about burial preference, should next of kin who feel a ‘proper’ burial with embalming etc. is vital override the wishes of someone who wants a green burial or cremation?

What's weirder was my DM. She didn't believe in an after life or God or anything, but insisted she have a funeral in a church with lots of people weeping over her coffin. She had several demands about clothing, flowers, songs etc, and wanted a big celebration after.

What she got was 7 people and a vicar in a churchyard, wrapped up in puffa coats and scarves, in the snow, during COVID. They almost dropped her on the ice. Ah well. Best laid plans.

Funerals are grim. Skip that part, and just have a party.

@LuckyPeonies but your point is that you don’t like attending other people’s funerals, and you don’t have to.

If a person dying was concerned that the funeral was going to be an insufferable ordeal for their family and they wanted to have that conversation to lessen the burden on them, then that’s completely reasonable and a different thing.

But the AIBU was I don’t want a funeral. I’m dead, do my wishes trump all else. There are lots of opinions, and mine is that funerals are useful and what do you care when you are dead if you are thrown in the canal, or your relatives hire professional mourners to follow your cortège wailing and throwing ashes on themselves. See what is best for them.

But not everyone left behind feels that way. As I already posted, i’ve attended plenty of funerals. For both parents, parents in law, grandparents, other relatives, and friends.

i have never felt better after attending a funeral service, they are awful. I dread(ed) them and the tradition of putting the grieving next of kin on display to publicly have to go through emotions they may have preferred to feel in private. They do not feel like closure or healing, they make everything worse. I have heard from others how much they hate funerals, so I think I have plenty of company. However, as I mentioned in another post, perhaps it is different for religious people.

I also wonder how many next of kin feel forced to conduct them because they are expected. So, perhaps a loved on’s declaration that they do not wish to have a traditional funeral could be a relief to their next of kin as they can forego it based on the wishes of the deceased. And if they object, they can talk to their loved one while they are still alive and try to convince them otherwise.

Totally agree

Yes a colleague at work went through that. She booked the afternoon off the day he was having his direct cremation. She really struggled with observing his wishes and I can see that as arranging my dads funeral, going to see him to say goodbye at the chapel of rest and speaking at his funeral, and then catching up with all those who came; those are the things that sustained me in the early months of grieving for my beloved father. Had he just been cremated without us being there, this would have massively affected the way I dealt with his death. Being able to arrange that send off helped more than I could have ever have imagined and I can’t help feeling that it’s a bit selfish to deny that to relatives.

I agree. My father did not have a funeral and I was surprised how difficult I found that.

I think it’s fine to not want one, but I also think funerals are for the living and for me I needed that closure for my dad’s funeral. It helped us all to heal.

I think this is how I would feel too. My DM started making noises about being left to medical science, which seemed to involve being left on a beach in Dundee for medical students to observe the decomposition process. I told her no way could I cope with that. It was just too brutal and I would have had nightmares about it. Glad we spoke so openly about it though, and she was just as happy to agree that a “normal” funeral for the remaining family would also be fine. She wasn’t fussed, and I think her friends (all elderly) needed the chance to say a final farewell. They said it was nice to see pics of her as a young woman, and hear stories of her life that they hadn’t heard.

It was non religious and the celebrant was a great story teller, there’s no way any family member could have done this.

I think we did her proud. 90+ years on this planet deserved some sort of recognition.

But the question was, if I don’t want a funeral for myself is that unreasonable, and I wanted to make the case for everyone left behind. That it is not money for nothing, you shouldn’t feel like people are making a pointless fuss, funerals are really great for people left behind, very cathartic.

Our DM had arranged and paid for her funeral, humanist service, just at the crem and then family back at home. Lots of people turned up.
The part I think you might miss out on was the chat we had with the celebrant. Dealing with DM was really hard work before her death and I think those could easily have been my memories of her. The celebrant (amazing man who did dad's funeral previously) got us talking about her, much more in depth than in a family chat scenario. He brought out 'hidden' good memories and stories and this really allowed me to let go of whom she had become and remember her as the DM she was. For that I will be truly grateful.
If you decide on a direct cremation your family are welcome to hold a celebration of your life afterwards if that's what they desire.

I just think it’s important that the person is respected. In terms of things like baptisms, I believe they should be only be done when the person is old enough to make a decision for themselves. With funerals, again the person should be listened to and their wishes respected.

With weddings, the bride and groom should get to have the day that they want and people here generally agree that the people should be adults and make the decision for themselves.

…but here we just cut it right back like it’s a frivolous waste of money. It’s just not.

Those who work for the very lucrative funeral industry would agree with you. Those who realize traditional funerals are not everyone’s preference, would not. Just as wedding options are varied and range from elopement to huge extravaganzas, we can all choose how - and if - to mark bereavement. And those who do it quietly, or not at all, should be supported and respected, not castigated.

agreed. MN would have everybody stay at home with their own little family, cutting people off left right and centre and not opening the door to anybody. It’s the most self centred site.
And people are surprised when we are all depressed and stressed and alone and unsupported in the drudgery of life.
The role of rituals as a way of forging bonds and marking the passing of life is so important in most world cultures, but here we just cut it right back like it’s a frivolous waste of money. It’s just not.

Exactly. My grandmother had a funeral where the numbers were hugely limited by Covid, but the upsetting part was not being allowed to gather afterwards.

We had exactly what you describe when restrictions were lifted and it was a hell of a lot more meaningful than sitting in a crematorium with her coffin.

"She" wasn't at the crematorium, but her spirit/memory was there in spades 6 months on. Too mundane for some though.

My DGM just had a direct cremation. We met up in the hall of her local church the next day, had a buffet with family and friends, my DF and aunt did speeches and then we all ate, drank tea, wrote in a memory book and then left when we felt ready. It was very casual, very intimate and far less upsetting than a funeral yet we all spoke of her, enjoyed the things she enjoyed (tea and cake!) and spent time together.

That's what I want now.

MN would get rid of all rituals such as baptisms, weddings and funerals. It's a very peculiar place. I wonder what Irish mnetters think of this thread.

Well they would be dead so they wouldn't care but I guess it would depend what everybody wanted. I would go along with what was best for everyone