To not want a funeral when I die?

I’ve told my DDs no funeral for me and I’ve paid up front for direct cremation.
They’re to buy some champagne and have a holiday somewhere. Much better use of the money.

Sometimes getting to the death of a loved one has been a long painful road. The funeral is an important marker for the family left behind to be extremely sad and get it out, then to be supported by family and friends at the wake.

Its not for the dear departed, it’s nice to mark it in keeping with their personality, but it’s for everyone they leave behind.

I don’t know why we all pretend to be overjoyed someone has died, why do we feel we should wear colours and drink champagne and dance? Why can we not cry our eyes out?

I always thought this for myself until recently. A family member died and wished for a pure cremation, no service or anything just picked up and off to the crem they went. All went smoothly, undertakers were good in informing us of the process and it was stress free, but there was no closure. We were informed of the death and that was the end of that, some dealt with it better than others. I intend to have a pot to pay for my funeral if thats what my loved ones want but that is their decision, if they decide to pocket the money and ship me off in a box then thats fine aswell.

@blackrosemage Not unreasonable at all, I feel the exact same way. Have been to plenty of funerals and they are absolutely dreadful. I don’t understand anyone who considers them helpful and necessary for closure. I will, however, concede perhaps it is different for religious people who take comfort from the ceremony and various rites.

Also, if the departed is embalmed, formaldehyde and other chemicals leak into the soil, for no good purpose. Thankfully, funerals are not compulsory and we can easily forego them.

I get you OP, but a lovely friend of mine died last year, and there was no funeral - which is what she wanted. However, everyone felt really bereft at having no chance to celebrate her life and a few months later her family had a memorial celebration.

As PPs have said, you won't be there why worry about it? Let your nearest and dearest decide what they want when the the time comes.

I think I agree with you. After the last family funeral I said to my husband why on earth do we put ourselves through this . It’s expensive, can cause family arguments and as for being a so called celebration of life I find that absolute rubbish . So distressing. I suppose it’s up to family as to what they want to do though .

Exactly this.

My SIL's mum requested no funeral and SIL is now in grief counselling for unresolved emotional issues surrounding her mum's death.

In the nicest possible way, it's not about you. Ironically.

I doubt I'll have a funeral. I originally left my body to the nearest teaching hospital, but they recently wrote to me telling me they no longer accept bodies.

as a general rule, I dislike parties, so I see no reason why I'd want one after I die.

My daughter knows id prefer a direct funeral. But if she feels the need to have some sort of ritual after I die, she has my blessing to do what ever she wants/needs.

This.

DFIL didn't have a funeral - was very strong in his opinions and DH and DMIL didn't want to go against his wishes.

Both regret that now as they didn't get a sense of closure.

I felt my Dad's funeral was all part of the grieving & acceptance process. I'd have hated if he had wanted a direct cremation

The Dad of a friend of mine has said he wants a direct cremation. My friend & his siblings have no intention of doing that & will be having a funeral when the time comes. Not sure how I feel about that to be honest

We live in Spain where funerals have to take place within 48 hours of death. They can embalm bodies for people traveling from abroad, but that makes things very expensive. Neither my dh or I are religious and our families are not bothered, so we've signed up for direct cremation. Quick and cheap.

I don't want one. I'm worried no-one would turn up. Now I know it won't bother me as I'll be dead but it doesn't stop me thinking about it.

This is appalling. Not respecting someone's wishes is so so wrong, and honestly, quite disgusting and totally disrespectful.

Absolutely agree.

My mom is 95. Most of her family and friends are dead. Me and my brother have decided that a direct cremation is appropriate then we will meet for a meal to spend some time together.

Brother and SIL have already arranged their direct cremations. Pretty sure me and DH do the same in time.

Respects, love, fun, sharing, and all that, should happen during one's LIFE- why would I care what happens after. Don't get that kind of 'respect' at all.

Bury me in a natural burial ground in a wicker coffin- plant a native tree which will become a forest (and take any organs that can help anyone before you do).

I have already completed my body donation form and my family are all aware but do not necessarily agree. I would have quite liked a sky burial, a viking burial or being placed on a raised platform so that the weather and wildlife could all take a part of me. I would have loved to have been mummified like the documentary Mummifying Allan too. Unfortunately, none of these are an option. I wish for a good death and for the possibility of helping others via science once my body is no longer of use to me. My family will likely all roll their eyes and say, there goes Mum doing things her own way as usual.

I have never found a funeral to provide closure . Just cause more distress. And I have been to far too many. If the family want to have a get together in the local pub I'll leave a few quid behind the bar and book a band for dancing.

On the other hand they're quite good for children to meet distant relatives and to see that life goes on.

Oh god haha 😂 that’s so awkward and hilariously dark. Cattenburg forever known as the direct cremator woman.

When my dad died and we all went to the funeral director's to arrange all thise things like coffin etc, we just kept saying "but it's just going to get BURNT" when he tried to persuade us to have superlative wood, silk and handles or whatever. When we came out we looked at each other and burst out laughing at the relief of getting out of that place full of insincere sincerity.

At home we talked of do it yourself funerals with cardboard coffins transported on wheelbarrows and all sorts of silly alternatives which we found terribly funny at the time.

When my brother died we chose awicker coffin though it was more expensive at least it was not mahogany or teak or something.

I have felt since then that I'd rather not have a funeral (dad died 1980 and bro 2010 or thereabouts) at all. I'm not bothered about a party either but I'd rather the living had a party than a wake.

We've actually checked it out and funeral plans are not legally binding nor ae funeral wishes in wills..
Funeral arrangements are legally the responsibility of the executor of your will, so that's the person who needs to know and agree with what you want.
At the end of the day you'll never know if your wishes were carried out.

There was another funeral thread I read today and it gave me a think about mine.

I concluded it’s not really got anything to do with me. I’m dead so what do I care. It’s for other people. So I don’t think it’s your decision to make. Or that’s the stance I’m taking anyway.

One of my friends (who’s quite a lot older than me) has paid in advance for a direct cremation and has put my name down as the point of contact. I agreed, but two things annoy me:

I’ll be charged an admin fee of about £100 when he dies.

He hasn’t told his family (siblings and their children) that he’s changed his earlier plans and now wants a direct cremation. So they might think it’s all my doing.

Funerals are for the living not the dead.
Humans have had burial rituals for thousands of years for a reason.
They are an important part of grieving.
If a loved one of mine left plans in place for a direct cremation I would pretend I knew nothing about it and pay for a proper funeral myself.
It doesn't matter to you what happens to your body - saying goodbye in a traditional way might be very important to your relatives.
It strikes me as very selfish