To not want a funeral when I die?

No one I my family is having a funeral or a service of any kind. We also aren't collecting any ashes.
My Dad had a direct crem funeral,with no service. Even though I arranged it I don't know where or when it happened. I think the ashes get sprinkled in the garden of the crematorium.

It was exactly what he wanted. We arranged it online.

We have no regrets at all. We were obviously sad he died but once he was dead his mortal remains didn't represent anything to us. What was important was our memories of when he was alive.
Not having a funeral didn't seem to affect how we mourned for him. We can talk about him and can feel sad about him but it all seems normal and healthy.

My Mum, my siblings, my adult kids and I all have written in our wills a note to say we would like direct to crem funerals with no service . My husband has specified direct to cremation but hasn't specified if he wants a service or not.

I understand why other people may want funerals. I'm not against them but they aren't for me.

I love the fact that direct to crem with no service or ashes is the cheapest option.

If course it matters what the person who's died wants. We took comfort in giving my MIL exactly what she wanted.
It may not matter to you, but it does to others.

Thank you. I'm alright.

It's reminded me how exceptionally selfish and attention seeking people are when it comes to this stuff. It's a ghoulish tradition that needs to die out IMO.

It’s not the same for everyone though. We had a direct cremation for DF. We moved around a lot due to him being in the RAF, so no real friendships. His DF,DM and DB had all already passed. There would’ve only been DM, me, DSis our partners and our children there (family wise). A lot of our friends would’ve come to support us but he was a very private man and wouldn’t have wanted that. We’d said our goodbyes to him when he was in hospital. We spent the day of the cremation in their home thinking of him. Much better for us than in some impersonal , unfamiliar space.
Each to their own I suppose, everybody needs different things to help them in times of grief.

I can relate to this. My uncle had a direct cremation which took away my opportunity to spend the day with my siblings and cousins and their families remembering him and reminiscing about our shared history. It is not appropriate for me to instigate us all getting together to do this; it’s not my place. I sometimes remember that my uncle is dead and I feel startled - as if I haven’t properly registered what’s happened - and I can’t help feeling that if there had been a funeral I would have processed and accepted what’s happened on a deeper, more subconscious level.

I know a lot of people who have direct funeral payment plans. I would prefer it too. I've been on a monthly plan for some years, which is due to finish when I'm 70.

Then it's down to my eldest to decide as he is the one who is still local. If he wanted to do just direct, that's fine by me. Even though it's paid for, he doesn't have to have it. If I was taking it out now, I would just have direct

@Tengreenbottles2 saw your comment after I posted mine, and I agree with you completely. The limbo, not accepting… it’s just. I don’t think you realise how important the ritual of a funeral is until you’re denied one for your loved one.

Surely, her husband’s and parent’s wishes should trump those of more distant relatives?

I don't want a funeral, so about 15 years ago, submitted forms to leave my body to medical science when I die. (it's not guaranteed that the hospital would take my corpse). My husband has done the same. We're in our mid-60s

I didn’t see this before I replied. That’s what I’m aware of- it’s not me left managing grief, it’s them. So they can do whatever they feel they need or don’t need.
sorry for your loss

I’ve told all my family to do whatever helps them. No pressure to have or not have a funeral. I’m not inclined towards, but if it helps them in anyway then go for it.

Honestly, I will try to talk anyone out of this every opportunity I get. My very DM had a direct cremation, we did have a party a few weeks after she passed, but it really stunted the grieving process for our family not having a funeral. It’s hard enough to accept when a loved one dies, but it’s excruciating when you don’t get that closure of coming together and saying goodbye. You almost don’t start your grieving process until after the funeral, and I felt just totally in limbo for a very long time. I was almost convinced that she hadn’t actually passed. Obviously it’s entirely your choice, but as PP said, funerals are for the living, not the dead. Just my two pence.

I agree. There’s no way I’d cause my family additional unnecessary distress by denying them an important rite of passage. I’ve stipulated a willow coffin and all the flowers, none of this family flowers only bollocks for me. A nice Humanist ceremony with some beautiful music and poetry followed by a buffet and a case of champagne.

I'll have a direct cremation. I think the idea that funerals are for those left behind is simply nonsense.

I am not having one. DH knows this and has said he will honour that if he is still alive.

A cousin of mine died recently, very shocking and sudden death. I was preparing to drop everything to go to the funeral... and then her next of kin announced they wouldn't be having a funeral at all, just a straight cremation attended by her parents and husband.

I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo grief-wise... I actually don't feel like she has died... even though my brain keeps reminding me she's gone, it's like my heart can't process it. Another thing I feel like I have been deprived of is the comfort of spending a day surrounded by people who are all grieving the same person, to share your feelings of loss, comfort each other, and spend a whole afternoon just focussing on that person, sharing stories, crying and laughing together...

I just urge anyone who's thinking about not having a funeral to think about the impact on their family members, who might need it or find it helpful.

Some people have suggested in this thread that you can still organise your own celebration, but realistically you can't really... I feel like I am too far removed, like I don't have the right or authority to do that when her mum and husband didn't want it, and I don't know any of my cousin's acquaintances apart from our shared side of the family, so that's unrealistic.

I disagree. When my kid died I was going for the direct cremation and was utterly bullied from all angles to have a funeral. Even down to offers to help pay for one.

So they, because id just lost a child and head was done in got their way. They all drifted off afterwards and haven't heard from the vast majority since.

It was utterly traumatising for me. I didn't want one and wish I had never had one and I'm utterly furious with those pack of fuckers who felt entitled to say goodbye to my bairn the way they wanted to. How dare they.

So, in with the death envelope me and husband have expressed strong wishes on what we want doing with our remains and there won't be a funeral.

That will not happen again.

Funerals arnt for those that have died though, they are for those that are alive. I think it's selfish to decide to tell your loved ones you don't want a funeral as it's them that won't have the opportunity to say goodbye how they might want to

How can anyone even begin to say 'paying my respects' by totally disrispecting the wishes of their loved one? What a contradiction :(

I was a huge advocate for direct cremation until a close relative opted for one.

It was extremely strange and caused a lot of unintended consequences as a result of people feeling they’d been deprived of their chance to say goodbye.

Whilst we had a meal a while later, it really wasn’t the same and as a result I don’t think I’d opt for one now myself. I’m not religious (nor was the relative) but I’d opt for some kind of humanist ceremony instead, for my relatives more than for me.

Direct cremations are on the up, less faff, cheaper and then family get together to spread the ashes

Your not strange for not wanting one but I would discuss it with your immediate family first. Funerals do offer some sort of closure for those left behind and whilst you may not be bothered they may prefer to have the chance to say goodbye.

I can't stress enough how much the funeral is for those left behind. The ceremony is a really crucial part of the grieving process.

My FIL didn't want anything and his wishes were totally respected. But honestly my DH and everyone else really struggled without that focal point.