To not want a funeral when I die?

You've misunderstood my comment @WhatDaPoint. I wasn't talking about the practicalities of arranging a direct crem, but the emotions behind the decision to have one. As you can see from @fieldsofbutterflies viewpoint, it can be controversial

@ToWhitToWhoo I don't agree with you but I guess I can see where you're coming from.

And if you decide to have a funeral, then in most cases you're not giving anyone any choice either.

I'm not saying that everyone has got to either have or avoid having a funeral; but whichever decision is made, it leads to pressures and expectations on the people left behind.

My DF decided he wanted a direct cremation. He was a well known man and there would have been a number of attendees if he had a traditional funeral - but he was thinking about me, his daughter, when he made his decision. I rather think he was putting me ahead of others, and I'm glad he did.

If someone has a traditional funeral there are often loved ones who would rather not attend, but feel forced to do so because it is "the done thing" and don't want to face the gossip around them not going. They really don't have any choice either.

I have no partner, no children, no siblings, no parents - I really don't care about anyone else (other than my exDH, but I'm sure he will cope). Surely if someone wants no funeral they can discuss it rationally with their family, who will then be prepared. Incidentally, I have known several people who were overseas when a family member died who decided not to come home for the funeral.

I don’t think anyone has said that - but the point is that if you decide not to have a funeral, you’re not giving anyone any choice.

For SOME people, yes. Others are quite able to process their thoughts, feelings, and grief without a funeral. This idea that you can't grieve if you don't attend a funeral is ridiculous.

I had actually forgotten this, but when I was young my great-aunt died. I went to her funeral, but my Nana, her sister, stayed back at the house as she said she didn't want to see her in a coffin.

When my Nana died I was 14, and I didn't attend her funeral for the same reason - and I knew she would understand.

I'm sorry you experienced that.

My MIL died recently and FIL chose not to attend the funeral - nobody judged him for it at all.

@Bwarly
Perhaps you've never known anyone who doesn't want a funeral, but deciding not to have one is a far bigger and more complex decision than deciding to have one.

Says who? 🤷🏻‍♀️. We found it really easy.

The whole process was very easy to. It wasn't completely seamless as the CoOp had an issue with accepting the online payment and it took them a little while to realize it was on their end but apart from that it was straightforward. You can do it over the phone and online.

You don't literally have to, in the sense that you'll be sentenced to prison if you don't. But if you're a close relative, and you don't hold/ attend a funeral, then you are likely to come under enormous pressure and be accused of being uncaring, etc. if you don't. It can end friendships and family relationships.

If it's on record that your relative did not want a funeral, then you are likely to come under much less pressure about it.

Nobody has to attend a funeral?

I desperately didn't want to go and watch my lovely mum put in the ground and my beloved dad disappear behind the curtains at the crem. Both events vastly increased my distress. But, there were funerals and I was put under immense pressure to attend by the rest of the family. There was no option but to go. It is the reason for deciding I didn't want a funeral.

My grandmother didn’t have one and went straight to cremation as she wanted. Her husband died a few months before and had a military funeral.

My grandmother was a no-nonsense woman and her last years of life were in pain. She had very few visitors when she lived with my parents from what I saw when I moved in to help with her care.

She was of the mind that if you couldn’t make time to visit her when she’s alive, she wasn’t going to allow you to do so when she was dead and I respect it.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting a funeral.

@Bwarly personally that's not a thought process I understand. I'll be dead. What happens to me after that makes not one blind bit of difference.

But it does make a difference to them @fieldsofbutterflies. Not on the day of course but in coming to terms with knowing their life is coming to an end. Whatever their reasons, they must have agency.

Part of my dad's motivation was wanting us to "have one less thing to worry about". It doesn't matter a jot that it wouldn't have been a worry to me, what matters is that's how he felt, and his feelings and wants as a dying man were valid and paramount.

We had a wonderful memorial dinner for my parents with family and friends and have interred their ashes together and planted 2 rose bushes that bear their names. There can still be ritual.

I will bear my grief for a long time. A funeral could never shortcut that.

My reasons for not wanting a funeral ( which DD is perfectly happy to go along with btw), are these.

People can remember me in a much better setting than a crem
What's the point of anyone saying a few words over my coffin...I won't be able to hear it so telling me how great (or not), I was is meaningless IMO.
It removes all the angst of ensuring I get a "proper" send off. What's the point of worrying about flowers I'm not going to see, music I'm not going to hear or wasting time trying to think of which coffin to choose when it makes fuck all difference to me.
Unless the ashes are buried or scattered the same day, then the actual service is just another thing that gets in the way of saying the "last goodbye" and just prolongs the agony of grief.

If folks want to be together to share memories and remember me then they can do that at any time, anywhere when they are not so overwhelmed.

But ultimately he knew that those couple of hours were going to be so insignificant in the scheme of things.

For some people, sure, for others funerals are hugely significant and play a massive part in the "healing" process.

I guess at the end of the day everyone is different, I just think it's a shame that people "refuse to have a funeral" when it makes absolutely zero difference to them whatsoever.

In my dad's case he did consider those he left behind. We debated it together. But ultimately he knew that those couple of hours were going to be so insignificant in the scheme of things.

I've been to a child's funeral following their death in a traumatic accident. That was very necessary in order for the family to begin to process what had happened.

Perhaps you've never known anyone who doesn't want a funeral, but deciding not to have one is a far bigger and more complex decision than deciding to have one.

Actually, I know several people who don't want a funeral, including my DH and my own parents. I'll respect their wishes but personally it makes me very sad to think that they're not considering those they'll be leaving behind.

I think everyone knows funerals aren't obligatory for anyone @fieldsofbutterflies.

Perhaps you've never known anyone who doesn't want a funeral, but deciding not to have one is a far bigger and more complex decision than deciding to have one.

I lost both my parents in the last 18m, my dad expected, mum sudden. Mum also chose a direct cremation. A funeral a matter of days after the passing of someone who has loved you every second of your life, from the minute they knew you existed is is never going to be cathartic or ameliorate the grief that is to come. But I did get comfort from knowing their wishes were respected.

I'm talking about the living. I was bullied into one for my kid. I was in no fit state to resist for long. People who barely or never saw her before her death and who I haven't seen since the funeral really leaned on me to organise one. I didn't have the choice to opt out and not go as some people seem to think you can. I had to do the ridiculous greeting everyone's tilty head I'm sorry for your loss crap. The vast majority of them I haven't heard from since. It's fake

Now I'm a bit of a way down the path I'm utterly furious about it. How dare anyone put their stupid attention seeking rituals before a mothers grief.

Never, ever again will that happen. I'm ready for it next time I'm in the position of dealing with a significant to me death. It didn't benefit me, husband or my remaining kids. My youngest particularly found it a struggle to deal with.

But hey, as long as those far flung people had a catch up, that's the main thing....

My MIL died recently and FIL didn't attend the funeral - it's not obligatory even if you're married. I know DH and his siblings were very grateful to be able to get the chance to attend, though.

If funerals don't help you then you don't need to attend, but IMO it's unfair to take that option away from those you leave behind, especially when it makes absolutely no difference to you either way

This was the discussion I had with my dad towards the end of his life, him having opted for a direct cremation. But I came to understand. He knew that certain people would attend his funeral who he really didn't care for, and he didn't want that to happen nor put my mum through any awkwardness. We knew from all the cards and messages we received after he passed that he was a very loved and respected man.

Ultimately it was the last big decision he could ever make. 18 months on, the hole he left is as huge as ever and no funeral could ever fill that and I'm glad he got to go his way.

It might be worth doing. I've certainly attended 'late' burials here (Ireland) where a friend got their parent's body returned from a medical school after a year or so.

Though from what I remember, at least one of them held a funeral at the time of death, after which the body was donated, and the burial/cremation part was just conducted a year or so later on. (But not compulsory, obviously!)

But it shouldn't be assumed that ALL bereaved people need or are helped by a funeral; for some, it's the opposite. @ToWhitToWhoo

100% percent, I could not agree with you more, the traditional rituals of bereavement are not for everyone. Neither of my parents want a funeral and I would like to think that the least I could do for them in terms of marking their deaths would be to adhere to whatever they have chosen they want.

Both will be cremated, neither will have a gravesite. My mum doesn’t know where she wants to be scattered but we’ll mix her in with our dearly departed cat’s ashes and find somewhere beautiful, probably with a tree planting. My dad wants me to climb up Pen Y Fan and scatter him at the summit.

We’ve also talked about naming a couple of benches (they don’t want to share a plaque - which sums up their marriage really!) so that we have somewhere physical to sit and reflect in years to come. But that will be that. No religion, no hymns or platitudes. Personally I’d like a water cremation, but it’s not currently legal in my part of the world, but hopefully I’m only halfway through my life.

@WomenLookingAtMenLookingAtWomen that's interesting, I'll do some proper investigating to see if we do get the body back