To de-arrange the funeral?

I’m team Bob.

Why should he ensure Sam has a lovely funeral when she never bothered to ensure he had a half decent life.

I wonder if this is Sam's final 'up yours' to Bob knowing he's the only next of kin. As I've said earlier Bob has no obligation whatsoever to this awful woman. He doesn't need to put himself through further trauma. I hope Bob can move on and heal as much as possible and live a full and happy life knowing this nasty individual has gone. I never wish ill on anyone but when I learned that my abuser had broken their leg late one evening while walking a deserted lane and lay there for hours before help came, i felt glad he suffered but also sort of wish he had not been helped. Thank you for supporting Bob. Xxxx

Send Sam for cremation with no funeral and Bob can decide what to do with any inheritance. I once met a man who refused to accept a small inheritance of £10k from his step father, who had abused his mother in a 25 year marriage. He could afford it, but at the time I felt there was nobility in the refusal to comply with an abuser's last wishes.

Ignore the reservation for the burial plot. Bob doesn't need to know there's a piece of ground somewhere set aside to remember Sam. Go for a cheap direct cremation and ask the staff there to scatter the ashes in the garden with no relatives involved. Hopefully there's enough money left to cover this and give Bob a bit over for himself.

Sam's friends can jog on. Bob is not unreasonable to abstain from the funeral arrangements. If Sam's friends want to give her a big send-off, let them sort it out.

If Sam wanted a specific type of funeral then they should have paid for / made plans for that already.

If no such plans are in place it's up to Bob and the supporting relative to act as they see fit and imho that means centring the living and not adding to past trauma.

If that means straight to crem then so be it (and bury the ashes in the plot that's been purchased without ceremony and the most basic headstone).

If Sam's friends want to organise their own wake they can crack on and fund it themselves but be clear family have zero intention of celebrating the life of an abuser.

Most importantly for the family member is to shield Bob and frankly treat this as an unfortunate piece of admin that needs to be done and dusted with as little fanfare as possible.

I am firmly of the opinion that funerals are for the living, not the dead. Cremate Sam as cheaply as possible and be done with it.

I would bet good money that Sam wanted a lavish funeral to turn the knife on Bob one last time. Do what Bob needs not his abuser.

Whilst he owes the mother nothing, the council will not fund a funeral if the deceased person has assets to pay for one. As the relative you need to establish if there's a prepaid funeral plan and/or assets to fund a basic cremation, if so then no point approaching the council. If there's no assets then it's possible to say that there is no one to pay and request they make the appropriate arrangements for a direct cremation, the friends have no say

If Sam has paid for a funeral then that should go ahead. Bob does not have to do anything at all. He does not have to attend or get involved. If I were you supporting Bob I would advise them just to stay out of it. Leave it to others to organise the day they want. And pay for it if they wish. Or not. Sam was important to other people, notwithstanding their neglect of Bob. Leave them to it. Just leave it all and decline to get involved. No one can force Bob and the best, dignified, position would be to absent themselves rather than to be thought spiteful.

My half-brother did. My Mother had a paid up plan (around £7k in it) but he arranged a direct cremation (<1k).
Interestingly I was Bob in this situation.
Imo Sam's friends can hold whatever celebration they wish. Bob can either arrange a cheap disposal like my half brother did or the council may provide what used to be known as a 'paupers funeral'. Bob 'owes' Sam nothing at all.

Also joining the club of Bob ignores the friends completely. The friends can make their own arrangements. I have experience of this situation- strong ignoring muscles and grey rock. To Bob - I’m really sorry that he’s having to deal with any of this

Fuck Sam. Fuck being the bigger people. It’s a horrible phrase people to trot out to tell the victims of child abuse to accept the abuse and minimise what’s been done to them. Imagine saying to a woman: don’t leave your husband; be the bigger person. Don’t report the rapist; be the bigger person.

I wouldn’t be doing anything towards a funeral; the friends can arrange something.

Take the bastards money and spend it on repairing the damage.

Arrange a direct cremation. Sam's friends can organise and pay for whatever they want themselves.

Bob doesn't know Sam's friends so with luck, any misplaced judgement they have on him won't reach him or affect him much. He or a relative can arrange the lowest cost cremation. Friends can finance their own memorial service if they want to - Bob will be long gone.

Agree.

Direct cremation organised by relative. Nobody informed.

If Sam's friends want to go and celebrate Sam's life, there's nothing stopping them. Oh, apart from the obvious fact that they want Sam's estate to pay for it! They can go and fuck themselves.

People who aren't left either organising or paying typically have far too many opinions.

Bob & relative should do whatever is best for them.

Ah, that's what I was guessing. Good for you for supporting Bob. If you can find no evidence of a pre-paid funeral, I'd go for the cheapest possible way of getting Sam's remains into the plot.

Is there money in the estate to pay for a basic funeral? I'd do that, and let the 'friends' know that they're welcome to have whatever do they want, but you and Bob aren't interested.

I feel like thanking you on behalf of Bob, as if it's any of my business!

The money for a basic funeral should be paid from the estate, a direct funeral is cheapest. His friends can arrange a wake at their own expense if they so desire

Normally I would argue that the wishes of the deceased should be respected. This is an exception I think.

He had no contact with his abuser for 30 years. Of course he should not arrange a lavish funeral!
I guess the estate is obliged to arrange a basic cremation, with no guests or ceremony etc. the abuser's so called friends can have a party or funeral if they loved the person so much. I'd say I'd think maybe they weren't such a nice person after all if their kid wants nothing to do with them, even in death.

If Sam wanted a lavish funeral Sam could have arranged and paid for it in advance.

Given Sam has not done this, and has left the handling of their estate to Team Bob, I would assume Sam didn't actually care that much.

Sam's friends are of course welcome to cough up for a lavish memorial service.

But Team Bob would be entirely justified in only using the estate to pay for a direct cremation.

If no pre paid funeral arranged, direct cremation and Sam’s friends can organise their own memorial.