To de-arrange the funeral?

No, there are strict rules. Jokes aren't allowed, so I'm sure anything disparaging would be out of the question.

And headstones are expensive. Not worth it, even if it were allowed.

I don't know the full criteria but it's partly down to what's needed at the time, so not entirely predictable. Cause of death is definitely one - anything infectious is a no.

Interesting but practical dilemma.

Who claims Sam wanted a lavish funeral? By lavish, do you mean horse drawn carriage and a choir? Were there detailed plans drawn up by Sam?

Or do you simply mean he didn't want to be cremated and put into a carboard box and scattered over a muddy puddle?

Why does Sam have so many friends?

Or is there a large crowd of sadistic people lurking in your neighbourhood?

How do you know the veracity of Bob? Were you there to witness the glee with which Sam told Bob he was written out of the will?

What happened to Bob's mum? Is she dead? Because you'd think she and/or her maternal family would have more of an influence.

For whatever reason, how do you know Bob was not a trouble-making child, causing major disruption?

Does Bob have siblings?

How do you know what abuse and neglect Bob endured? Taken into care might also be for other criminal reasons. Damaged people can also be damaging.

And was Bob really cut out of the will?

I have to say if he wasn't, and if he'll feel better by getting his hands on every last penny, he should go for it. Dad is dead and can't care anymore.

If it's just an ethical problem, then just cremate dad, hand him over to friends and hold a small wake - none of which Bob has to attend.

Because seriously, whatever is spent on the funeral, was dad's money. Just bury or let his friends scatter him, and move on.

Paupers grave, rot

Another jolly good reason for Bob and the OP to pay out only the absolute minimum.

It does seem to me that a lot of the kindest, loveliest, dearest people make modest plans for their funeral that reflect that same humility - the simple 'not wanting to make a fuss' and never assuming that others (except maybe immediate family) will be very sad to lose them - even though a great many people will be.

Whereas the absolutely nasty abusive arseholes tend to be the ones who expect the whole town to come out in sackcloth and gnashing their teeth, and feel that they deserve nothing less than an overblown monumental fanfare to represent their immense (self) importance.

If Bob wasn’t speaking to his Mum presumably he isn’t in a position to administer the estate as an executor.

I don't think that follows at all. There is absolutely no question that Bob inherits all of Sam's assets after all debts are paid off (including the costs of cremating or burying Sam) given that Sam appears to have died intestate and Bob was her only child. The law in intestacy looks at the blood and legal relationships, not how well the parties were getting on. The OP has explained that she is a relative of Bob's and is supporting him by tackling the admin, as he can't cope with it, so possibly she may become the administrator, or it might be Bob legally, but the OP does all the actual legwork.

Some on the thread are treating the body like a bit of trash.

To be completely blunt, it is just trash now. A dead body is no use to anybody.

It's just that, in most cases where we are privileged enough to have shared a lot of love with the deceased person, the body is the final representation of those precious memories of them, with the ritual of disposing of it with sensitivity and reverence a strong symbol of that love and respect for them and our sadness at having lost them.

If you choose to act like heartless trash throughout your life, your body after death remains just that.

No one is obligated to respect a deceased wishes in relation to the funeral, even if its in the will.

Terrible idea. It would be in the Daily Heil the next day.

This is a genuine wonder: can you say anything on a headstone (within reason, of course; i.e. no swearing!)? Does it have to be complimentary and/or express nice sentiments, or can it just be honest and factual?

I don't know if Bob would find it helpful at all for closure, but would it be theoretically possible to get a headstone with just her name and dates on it and 'unmourned mother', 'mother by virtue of biology only' or similar on it?

No. They would only pay for one if there is money in the estate. You can’t simply say I don’t want to spend money on a funeral I want to keep it all for myself. That isn’t how it works.

Good grief, Sam is an arsehole.

No obligation on Bob to do anything. A paupers funeral would be too much for their abusive, damaging biological parent.

No it isn’t. Bob can’t have the money until the estate has been wound up and this can only happen once the body has been disposed of.

Out of interest, do you know what factors they look at when they decide whether or not they can use the body?

An elderly friend of ours died a few years ago, and he had signed up to leave his body to science, but they rejected it, so his family had to arrange a hasty funeral.

The estate pays the funeral expenses before any legacy is passed on. If any wishes are recorded or a will is written then those wishes have to be carried out by the executors of the will. If Bob wasn’t speaking to his Mum presumably he isn’t in a position to administer the estate as an executor. Therefore he doesn’t have to do anything.

They could leave the county, or get out of town while the funeral is on. That’s what I meant.

sorry i might have misunderstood the post:

They have said they don’t intend to carry out Sam’s wishes and want to cancel any pre-arranged plans Sam may have made. Friends of Sam feel this is cruel and they should “be the bigger people”. As there’s no will, Bob is legal next of kin so in a procedural sense he does have the final say but who is BU?

I was thinking Sam had requested a funeral and big meal in hotel etc. but had not actually paid for anything.
Now Bob is expected to arrange this, and it’s been hinted at them at there is no will do Bob will inherit everything, so he should pay up for this last request.

Then a few weeks after the funeral, a will appears and everything has been left to the cats home, and Bob has been hurt again and stung for the cost of the funeral.

Thats what I understood (made up) sorry again if I was wrong.

@3luckystars

Bob could end up with bills and the estate could be left elsewhere

How?

Leave the country......

Well that's easy... not

I think Bob should also be very careful, if Sam is that bad in life, they could still inflict more now,

Bob could end up with bills and the estate could be left elsewhere.

I would agree they should step completely away, even leave the country while it’s going in, if anyone opens their mouth then invite them to arrange it all and be sure to send them a postcard.

The cheek of it.

Oh, and don't bother collecting the ashes after the cremation. The crematorium staff will scatter the ashes in their garden of remembrance. Job done. No need to inter the ashes or pay out for a headstone. People like Sam don't deserve any memorial.

I don't think you would even need to use the burial plot as I think a basic cremation would be cheaper than a basic burial - think there are regulations about construction of the coffin for burials whereas you can be cremated in a cardboard box. If Sam bought a plot I would look at selling it. You only need to meet basic legal requirements for disposal of the body, Sam doesn't deserve any more.

to Bob, this will be a difficult time for him he should look after himself and stuff what Sam's friends think. People who support abusers are despicable. Bob is lucky to have you to support him.

I know that, I was being facetious. Must be hell for Bob.

Though the ability to donate a body to medical science by relatives would I suspect bring about quite a bounce for med students.

How do you ascertain if their is a will?

Surely it's a bit like Nessy, if you can't find it, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I am absolutely no help here regarding the funeral, if Bob has been no contact then I would continue this way and have nothing to do with it all.

could I recommend a book for Bob, it’s called ‘you’re not the problem‘ by Helen Villiers and Katie Mc Kenna x