To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

If it's being referred to as a 'first marriage' rather than a 'marriage' the likelihood is that it was unsuccessful, excepting those who are widowed.

I am still in my 'first marriage' - I think my husband would be rightly concerned if I started describing it as my 'first marriage' though!

Soooo what you’re saying is that everyone has a different experience.

I'm curious how old you are OP? What age did your friends, colleagues, etc, start getting divorced? What age had they started getting married?

No one in my circle has got divorced (yet!) So no second marriages to observe.

Second marriages are less likely to end in divorce than first marriages, statistically.

This is actually the reason behind the oft-quoted stat that people who have cheaper weddings are less likely to get divorced. That is true, but the reason behind it is that people tend to spend less on their second marriages!

@Doteycat I think you have completely missed my point tbh: it’s not about extolling the benefits of multiple partners at all, it’s about having the space to develop as a single person before you settle down.

But let’s agree to disagree as you clearly don’t understand what I’m saying and we aren’t going to see eye to eye.

Gosh you havent upset me at all, not in the slightest.
Im not defensive either, ive no need to bea, I just find your views are incorrect.
Ive not been stunted or any such thing, and you really need to rethink your opinion.
Its a bit like assuming the woman on the checkout doesnt have a PHD.
You can think it, but you may be very wrong.
If I said, I think people who have multiple partners had sad empty lives in search of real love, would you not think me rude? ( i dont think that by the way), just an example.
Judging other people in such a way is narrow minded.

@Desecratedcoconut

What is a leap though, is to summarize that other people cannot achieve growth and change when they marry young

Its a fair challenge and it’s not to say people cannot achieve growth and change. But I stand by the fact that in general it doesn’t support people in experiencing the widest possible opportunities life can provide.

This is such a silly premise for a thread. Perhaps I’ll start another one:
AIBU to think most dead people have had poor health?

@Doteycat

You are being rude and expecting people in my situation to take it.
And you dont like it, that all thats happening here,
You are wrong in your assumptions, and you really need to step back and see how bad you sound.

I’m not being rude and not “expecting you to take it”. I am sorry if my views upset you but its a discussion forum, the literal point of which is to express opinions.

I have gone out of my way to express that I recognise my views are different from others and I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. But I feel as I feel.

You seem very defensive about this. No one is saying anything perjorative about you life, but people are entitled to put their perspective.

I think the great unmentionable thing is that having children sucks the life out of a lot of first marriages.

Absolutely, I can see how someone could look at someone in a committed relationship at an early age in life and think that they would have a limited and restricted life for themselves, because they utilized a series of relationship for growth and change.

What is a leap though, is to summarize that other people cannot achieve growth and change when they marry young. It lacks the understanding that other people and other relationships can operate in a far richer fashion than they have the capacity to imagine.

What works for one person doesn’t work for the next. She doesn’t have to experience it ti have an opinion that it wouldn’t be for her. I agree with her for the same reasons.

Knowing what I know now as a woman in my 40’s, the thought of staying with someone I met at 16 is not something I would like. There’s nothing wrong with saying we wanted to experience different relationships before we settled down.

Ive a bloody brilliant life tbh.

I disagree.

She doesn’t sound bad at all. She’s sharing her opinion and has given her reasons. Her posts have been respectful and balanced.

You can have whatever view you like but I just can't see any evidence for the assumptions that have been made when detailing the limitations of a style of relationship that you can only wonder about, having no experience of it yourself?

I look at my own life and it doesn't resemble this dreary life you have set up as a counterpart to your own.

Everything you say I agree with. I feel the same as do most people given that only a tiny percentage of couples last from such a young age.

Some posters are bending over themselves to be pedantic, offended and rude. It’s almost as if they cant believe we don’t all share the same views
and they seem to be taking personally.

You are being rude and expecting people in my situation to take it.
And you dont like it, that all thats happening here,
You are wrong in your assumptions, and you really need to step back and see how bad you sound.

I don't think I closed off any options apart from the fact that I chose to remain in a committed relationship with my dh from a young age, although having met him at 21 he was not my first relationship.

Perhaps you have had very limiting relationships and so have quite a limited view on the matter, but there is room for growth and change in a long term relationship. Obviously, unless of course you are using a variety of the relationship that you invest in to act as a lever for change and growth?

Maybe in the minority here, but been married nearly 21 years, was together for 7 years before we got married. The majority of my friends have similar marriages, only one has divorced and gone on to a successful second marriage.

You’re just being unpleasant and I don’t have to engage. I have been very clear that I understand people are different. I am just putting my perspective across.

I’m not necessarily talking about a string of failed relationships, that’s obviously not fun or healthy. Although I think it’s not a bad idea to try more than one.

But being in a settled relationship, despite it’s obvious benefits, doesn’t usually lend itself to growth and change. Couples become quite set in their expectations and outlook, for better or for worse, and often that’s not compatible with thinking with fresh ideas about what you want for yourself as opposed to the family unit.

Again this isn’t inherently bad but it can be quite limiting because it doesn’t allow much scope for change. When you are in your 50s with kids that’s probably a good thing on balance. When you’re in your teens or 20s, you are closing yourself off just when you need to keep your options open.

I’m not saying there’s anything inherently wrong with getting married very early but I know it would not have worked for me. It’s also vanishingly uncommon which tells you that a lot of people feel as I do.

I agree with premise first marriages are more often not great.
My friend group all divorced within 4 or 5 years except us who are going strong at 23 years.
Edit to add, I've been with DH since I was 17, married at 18 first child at 23.

I think being with the same person all through your adult life would really stunt that .process

Yep, meeting my DH at Uni, then getting married mid 20’s really hindered our 25 marriage. We left the UK late 20’s and lived and worked in Asia and the Middle East for 2 decades. We’ve travelled the world together. Last year we spent a month in South America with our DC. We are completely different people to when we met, but we made plans and fulfilled our dreams together.

That’s what marriage is supposed to be, a team, working together towards common goals.

TBH most 2nd marriages I know they seem to do most things separately.

@Thepeopleversuswork
Yet another incorrecr bordering on ignorant assumption.
I have ONE husband.
I have however, had many many "life experiences" as you call them.
I have been all over the world, had many many jobs, run businesses, trained people all over the world in world, met many people from all walks of life.

Jsut because I have ONE husband, hasnt limited me at all, whereas you sound quite narrow minded, whats your excuse?