To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

Desperation for children before it's too late does lead to a lot of poor marital decisions unfortunately.

This has definitely been my experience too. Me and all of my friends got married really young, like early 20s. Every single one of our husbands cheated on us. I think it’s a combination of immaturity, but also, those men realising when they get into their 30s that they haven’t sampled enough vagina.

All but one couple got divorced. Those that did get divorced, went onto marry again, and all of those marriages are still together and successful. My own included.

I feel like it would be beneficial if you weren’t allowed to get married until you were of a certain age, or had experienced multiple partners first. Obviously tongue in cheek, but it has been my observation that when married young the men normally feel that they have missed out on something, once they get into their 30s.

Friends who married very young are divorced and onto 2nd or 3rd spouses.

Those of us who were a bit older, more mature are mostly in happy marriages.

I'm celebrating my 20th anniversary this year.

Interesting to see people saying you haven't worked out what you want to do with life in your 20s.
I wonder if this isn't age or number of relationships but knowing yourself.
I knew from my early teens I wanted to be married, be a mum, and be a teacher.
Growing up I've been all over the world with my parents- I hated it, so I knew I didn't want to travel.
I was brought up with a strong Catholic belief, I had and still have absolutely no interest in sleeping with lots of men - not saying there is anything wrong with that but it's not for me.
No career other than teaching has ever appealed to me and I love it as much at 41 as I did at 21.
I already knew all this so when I got with my now DH when I was 17, who was young but not as young as me but had similar values I was happy and ready to commit.
I still got my degree, as did he, I had a couple of years teaching before I had my children so we were able to buy a house before we had them although I was not earning so much we couldn't afford to give it up for me to be a SAHM until they were both at school.
We have grown up together as they say and are a stronger unit because of it.
I totally understand marrying at 18 isn't for everyone but I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted and it worked for me.

In theory I would agree that waiting until later is better, but IRL, I know so many couples who met fairly young and are still happy together. Including myself! We married at 25 and 27.

Bizarrely, the worst breakup and divorce that I’ve witnessed IRL was a couple who met in their 30’s and married at 34 and 37. Absolute shitshow of a breakup 12 years later. The other divorced couples I know are on far better terms -and they met/married younger. 🤷

I don’t agree OP. I read a study that showed that first marriages are the least likely to end in divorce. Every subsequent marriage has a higher risk of falling apart (being a disaster) than the marriage before.

I married at 31, but had some truly awful relationships in my 20s before I met my DH. So I think if I'd have married any of those boyfriends I'd 100% be divorced by now.

I don't believe that length of a marriage is correlated to happiness in that marriage regardless of whether it's first, second, or whatever.

Many women are just plodding along in unhappy marriages because of finances, cultural reasons, children, etc.

@YouBelongWithMe

An alternative reading might be that to sacrifice what appears to be an excellent relationship and life partner for the potential of 'self-discovery' seems short sighted? I have been able to work out who I am and what my core values are, what it means to be truly me but alongside the support of someone who gets me more than any other person in the world. That's a different kind of journey and self-realisation, but one that's just as meaningful.

I don’t disagree with that. Throwing away a great relationship for an orgy of “self discovery” would be self destructive. If you really think that in your 20s you have found someone who is absolutely right for you for life then stick with them.

I honestly think though that most people in their early 20s just aren’t ready. Just from a basic cognitive standpoint the brain is still maturing. You have likely barely moved out of home, are unlikely to be earning much and have not worked out what you want to do with your life.

Of course there are exceptions the majority of cases people simply don’t have the emotional maturity.

There is something that becomes unique about being with someone from a young age . The laughs you have at young age ,then life becomes more serious . It's still funny to look back and laugh at things you found really funny at such a young age .

Yay! to @Mountainpika !

Every single one of my peers who got married by their 30s are already on their divorces.

All much of a muchness unfortunately.

We were married at 20/21. Our 49th anniversary tomorrow. Sorry about that…

You can’t generalise for a topic like this. You need confidence in what you’re doing, confidence in where you’re going, and intelligence to ensure it runs smoothly. There has of course been a lot of shit along the way. You’ve got to deal with it and not give up.

Watch the first two series of First Dates to see how young men view partnerships. It really is unbelievable. Quite a few list umm… physical characteristics as vital for their date. The young women list the important features and in return get very little from their ‘matches’.

Like any project, it requires stamina and determination. Good luck to the youngsters!

Happy Golden Wedding!

Thing is people are different. I traveled a lot as a child as did dh. Neither of us are or where interested in going to parties or clubs. Neither are really extroverted. We both love tinkering with things, building things, growing things. Very much home is where the heart is. We go camping in fact two of our children and us don’t even have passports.

His happy place is basically cuddled on the sofa watching a movie / tv show together or building something in the garden or growing the most cucumbers he ever has or some such thing.

Now no matter what age we got together those joint things are what makes us work.

Now if one of us was a party animal then it wouldn’t work but again no matter what age we were. If you find someone who matches you if doesn’t matter what age you find them as long as that’s truly them and not some facade put on or a kid maybe even forced upon them by family expectations.

A playboy wanker is that be him 18 or 38 his an arse. Just like an extrovert is an extrovert you an changing them and cultural differences are and can actually be a bloody big deal don’t sweep that shit under the carpet on a well we will get to it when we do.

My first marriage was in 1974 when I was 27. We're still very happy together. It can work.

I wonder about the notion of missing out / not fully idealising opportunities because of being 'tied down' so young.

I had three children at 25, which some would see as very limiting. I didn't travel like the majority of my friends, for example. I've not been alone in my life, ever really. I can see how people would think that some kind of self-discovery might be sacrificed.

An alternative reading might be that to sacrifice what appears to be an excellent relationship and life partner for the potential of 'self-discovery' seems short sighted? I have been able to work out who I am and what my core values are, what it means to be truly me but alongside the support of someone who gets me more than any other person in the world. That's a different kind of journey and self-realisation, but one that's just as meaningful.

As mentioned by PPs:

this may not be about first marriages but due to age.

I have never been married but I am currently engaged. We met in my late twenties (his early 30ies). Both of us know what we want, we’re aware of our dealbreakers etc. I don’t know if we’ll work out - although I am obviously optimistic and hopeful. I wouldn’t be engaged if I wasn’t feeling confident about our future.

But I am very relieved that I did not marry the guy I was seeing when I was 19. That would have been a disaster. He was an absolute arse. And I thought I was in love.

Good - I’m pleased your happy.

I met my husband at 17. Married him at 20. Eighteen years and three children later, I'm so glad he's my life partner.

I don't think so, we could consider first vs second co-habiting relationship or first vs second relationship with children and probably find the same trends.

I've been with my DH since I was 16, (46 now). Got married when I was 21. Still happily married.

I don't think this is something you can generalise about though. My mum and dad got married when they were 19, and divorced by the time they were 38. My dad is still (happily) single. My mum has been with her partner for 28 years and their relationship is much happier than my parents' was. She didn't want to remarry, he was also divorced from his first wife.

My sister didn't meet her husband until they were 30, they've been very happily married for 10 years.

I just think it's down to luck most of the time.

It does happen yeah. Good look to them all if they’re happy then that’s great.

I think the problem is marriage.
First or second is irrelevant.
It's just pointless

Certainly not the exception in my family.

My parents met young and neither had had a previous boyfriend/girlfriend. My sisters met their now husbands at 16 and 19 and for both it was their first boyfriend.

2 of my cousins met their now husbands aged 17 and 19 and for one it was her first boyfriend and the other her second boyfriend.

Out of 4 nieces 3 met their now husbands young (between 16 and 18) and all first boyfriends and all still married and happy.

YABU

I think a lot of people make serial mistakes in relationships, rather than a first terrible marriage then a great one having 'learned from their mistakes'. It's quite common for people to repeat their mistakes as many are drawn to certain types of personalities.