To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

I wouldn't say it's limited to married people tho you can attract all sorts when you're single 😂

No I think the second marriages are just as likely to be a disaster - not least because of blended families and all the issues they bring with them.

Surely if you're getting married, the whole relationship has to be compatible with the life you want?

Yes @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos and I also think that it’s really important to be flexible, because life can be surprising sometimes! Even if you have a clear idea of what you want at one point, you never know what’s around the corner and you may need to adapt.

I mentioned the horrible divorce that I witnessed a few years ago between a couple who’d met and married in their 30’s. I suspect that inflexibility played a big role in that implosion, neither of them were prepared to adapt to the others’ changing priorities.

@Thepeopleversuswork

The marriage has to be compatible with the career

What a bizarre statement. Surely if you're getting married, the whole relationship has to be compatible with the life you want? Whether that be a high flying career, or children, or travel, or parties and entertainment, or being happy pottering about at home. Why would you choose to marry someone who wasn't compatible with the life you want to lead?

Thepeopleversuswork you come across as incredibly condescending and smug. Patting on the head, people who were mature enough to commit younger than you. Saying it's comfortable and fine for them but not for world experienced, character developed you. Your comments about not being able to build a career within a marriage are utterly bizarre.

Out of my 8 closest friendships... all married bar one, no divorces (yet). Two couples married late 20s, the rest early/mid 30s, marriages ranging from 13 - 20 years and counting. But who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ Of my parents generation, several divorces and most didn't divorce until at least 25 years married.

https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/#:~:text=Those%20who%20wed%20multiple%20times,of%20third%20marriages%20are%20dissolved. I don’t know if it’s the same in the UK.

I wonder if it's higher for second marriages because older women have learnt not to settle for a shit man and are more independent?

Agreed. I knew who I was from a young age and that I would be happier on my own than with someone who wasn't right for me.

I wonder if this isn't age or number of relationships but knowing yourself.

@GalaxyRasbora I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. My Mum knew that she wanted to work and live in various countries before committing to a LTR. She spent her 20’s doing that and married my Dad in her early 30’s. She had boyfriends, got engaged a couple of times, but realized that she wasn’t ready yet.

It’s easier to make the right decision for you if you have a clear idea of what you want!

I think it depends on the couple.

what I have noticed is men and women both get a lot nicer as they get older!!! So maybe it’s just that!

Not my experience with families, friends and co workers at all. All married in 20's , I know of two divorces out of 12 Uni friends. Married my dh at 25, still extremely happy 30 years later. It's always been a kind, respectful relationship where either of us do chores etc because we want to make each other happy and a happy home. It's quite condescending to say people who marry before mid 30's have married losers who are not mature enough for a grown up equal relationship.

Thing is all those going in so glad I didn’t marry my first…. That’s the point. You didn’t do it. Well done. You knew it wasn’t a good relationship so you didn’t marry him.

So what’s wrong with those who believe it is marrying them..

And the second and third ones!

I completely get where OP is coming from (though think the title a bit misleading, as the point doesn’t just relate to first marriages - note this has now been clarified!)

I think the point is that generally people who settle down with someone really young / their first partner end up divorced OR they stay together but are miserable. I see the latter in friendship groups more frequently. The people who settled down with the girlfriend or boyfriend they met at age 16 may still be together, but they are generally miserable! (Note the word generally - this isn’t applicable to everyone of course).

The people who either waited until later in life to meet the right person, or who got divorced / broke up with long term partner they met when young generally know more about who they are, what they are looking for / their non negotiables, have life experience behind them and won’t settle. Meeting “the one” later in life of course brings its own struggles. However the thought of ending up with my first boyfriend or even first long term partner is horrifying!

@GalaxyRasbora

I wonder if this isn't age or number of relationships but knowing yourself.
I knew from my early teens I wanted to be married, be a mum, and be a teacher.
Growing up I've been all over the world with my parents- I hated it, so I knew I didn't want to travel.

I think perhaps it’s easier for people who have real conviction about how they want their life to run. If you know you want to get married and settle down young it’s a pretty clear path.

Most people don’t have that sort of clarity.

If you throw into the mix careers, which usually delay having children by several years, things are much less clear cut.

These days a far greater proportion of women want to or feel they are able to have careers and that changes the way a lot of people see marriage. If you want to both be married and have a career the marriage has to be compatible with the career.

If you know you want to be a wife and mother it’s simpler.

IME people either stay with the first person the my marry, don't bother marrying their next long term partner, but stay together, or marry several times. I have a few friends who date people for a year or two before it goes to pot, but not many.

YABU OP. People tend to encounter or befriend those similar to them. Most people I know are still married to the same person.

I know exactly what you are saying and you are incorrect.

I think it depends on the people. I was 21 when I met DH and at that age would NOT have been ready for marriage. But it was years later that we got engaged and then married (and then a mortgage and a baby etc). By which time we knew each other well, knew we could live together, knew we could handle responsibility together etc. But we are both people who will not rush into anything big. We're happy to take our time and make sure it's right.

On the other hand, I have friends who met and married at 18/19 and were divorced by 21. I have friends who got engaged and married within a year because they were "so in love". Those marriages were disasters. But there was no consideration into whether the big commitment they were making was actually a thing they were prepared for.

9 of us are old school friends who keep in touch. We have all been married and 8 of us are still married to our original spouse. We married aged between 24 and 30. The one who did get divorced did so because she realised she was gay, and sadly died not long afterwards. Her DH now happily remarried. OP has very different experiences to me. Statistically second marriages are more likely to fail.

I think the opposite to be true. I think people in first marriages get complacent and start to think there could be something better/grass is greener. They have an affair, move on with other person, all great at first, then reality hits home that it isn’t better, and they wish they’d stayed in the marriage they’d left. Didn’t realise what they had was good, until they lost it,

All but one of my friends got married in our thirties, only one couple in their twenties. We're all still married and I think - other people's relationships are always slightly mysterious -happily. I think that there's a lot to be said for getting married slightly later, we all did the rubbish boyfriends in our twenties and then were lucky enough to meet kind, loyal and trustworthy men, recognised that and happily stayed with them.

Not even marital just poor baby daddy choice 😂

Not necessarily. I know several couples who met in their early teens who are still married 30 years later.