MIL problems since having baby - AIBU?

Stop being such a doormat and stand up for your baby, and yourself.

You need to discover, and channel, your inner mama bear. You're a Mum now. You are stronger than you think. You have a tiny baby now and it's your responsibility to protect her and set boundaries. Practise with your MIL.

If you fall out, you fall out. You have far more power in this situation than you realise, because she wants a close relationship with her grandchild.

Wear the baby in a sling.

This.

She knows exactly what she's doing. Your partner needs to have your back.

You need to shift your perspective that your baby can’t voice her discomfort at being woken up/ moved and potentially being given a deadly virus from being kissed so you need to advocate for her and protect her.

I’d question why your parter isn’t sticking up for you when she’s insulting you and if this woman is someone neither of you feel able to challenge then you both need to take a step back from visiting so often and putting yourselves in these positions if you won’t challenge her.

Why don't you stop visiting her for a while. It is women like her who give mother in laws a bad name.

I don’t want to cause any upset as we have never had any issues in the past (Years of biting my tongue!)

You mean you have let DP and his family walk all over you, and now they take it for granted that they can do what they want.

Yes, it's probably going to cause an argument, but just be clear and straight with her.

Woman up! Your baby needs you to advocate for them. Sod other people's feelings and stand up for yourself. You know it's not right - what's stopping you from being mama bear?

Don't let this happen! Say no, stop her before she gets to the baby. If you're feeding your child and she decides they're done, say no!

If you had a cup of tea in your hand and she took it away and poured it down the drain with no explanation, would you let it go? You'd ask why, or try to take it back. So why let your child be taken away?

Echoing other posters, its time to pull up your big girl pants and start saying NO.

You are your tiny babies only advocate - so do it for her. Youve mentioned things on your post that are of a detriment to your baby, such as waking her up out her car seat or not allowing her to be burped - or worst of all kissing on her lips!!!

Time for some tough love - if your not going to speak up for yourself, do it for your daughter. You are her voice, and you will need to be her voice for atleast the next 16 years, so grow a back bone and advocate for your child!!!!

Tell her no as your first word in the phrase. No leave my baby sleeping. No do not pick her up. Tell her that until she agrees to stop kissing your baby on the lips she cannot hold your child.

It’s really difficult but you need to just say it. When she does things you don’t like or affect your baby just say it. She might get upset but she’s upsetting you and also seems to be escalating by criticising you in front of people so you need to be brave and stick up for yourself. Worst case scenario you piss her off. But is that the worst thing in the world when she’s being awful? I don’t think so!

You need to start speaking up. It sounds like she is absolutely overbearing but how will she know that these acts aren’t acceptable to you if you don’t tell her?

As for the insults- call her out on it every time. Pretend you didn’t hear and ask her to repeat it. And then pretend you didn’t understand and ask her to repeat it again until her rudeness & meanness is right out in the open.

Find your inner mother bear. Say no, she is comfortable where she is. If it's easier, wearing baby in a carrier that she can't be grabbed out of is a workable solution.

she has recently started insulting me in front of other people, criticising things I can’t change about myself

Shat sort of things is she saying? What do you or your husband say?

You really need to speak up and react when she insults you and stop her when she tries to take the baby.

If you are going round there without your husband-stop. If she asks why, he can tell her. You have power here!

Use your voice! Stop caring what your MIL will think if you do. It's none of your business what she thinks. Your baby needs you to find your voice.

I’m mil and have never acted like this around my gc.She sounds awful, you really need to assert yourself, I know as a naturally passive person this is hard for you but she needs very firm boundaries and your dh doesn’t have your back. I would very much be limiting the time you see her, dh will have to see her alone.

Another though op: I had to do this a bit when by first was born and it was hard as my PIL are lovely and well intentioned, and Dh is trained to be very non confrontational with them. But there was stuff they were doing that meant I was getting frustrated. Mentally, I reminded myself that getting the boundries right at this stage would mean that the relationship with my PIL would be stronger for longer, rather than risking not speaking up and then getting increasingly furious. It’s really worked: 20 years on I have a great relationship with them; they joke about my boundries but are aware of and respect them. They talk about having changed their mind about things I (& now the kids!) challenge them gently on.

You need to speak up. Mil may be over stepping but she won't know unless you say something.

Is this a helpful way to speak to a newly postpartum mother 🤔

OP - you obviously find it difficult to assert yourself around your MIL. Babies change the relationship completely and (I mean this kindly as I felt exactly the same… you are hormonal and vulnerable at the moment).

Have some stock phrases ready as others have suggested:

’baby is comfy there- please can we leave her there until she has finished her nap’

‘I’ve got her for now, she can come for grandma cuddles soon’

‘Aww best for baby to come to mummy when they are crying’ (if MIL tries to comfort baby and you’d rather do it- I used to find this)

’please can baby stay in the room so I can see her’ (I used to hate it when people would walk my baby off into another room! I don’t understand why people do it!)

As others have said. You need to start being clear and firm sooner rather than later

Yup, as others have said you need to take some control here: it’s going to be tough as you’ve ’put up’ so long but it’s definitely doable :-)

id do a few things:

• first talk to your partner: you need them to be ready to back you up if needed : you don’t mention how your Dh feels about his mum, but I’d personally talk about getting boundries clear now so that everything is smoother in the future. The risk of you ignore now is that she’ll keep pushing and eventually you’ll explode!
• practice some easy things to do/say. You know what the issues are now so come up with some phrases you feel comfortable with or some actions you can take. Maybe start with some easy ones eg
• when she goes to take baby ‘just a moment, I just need to do x then s/he’s all yours for a lovely cuddle (until I need to do x’
• when she leaves the room - follow ‘it’s so strong isn’t it the mother bear instinct: whilst she’s so little i hate her being out of my sight’ - similar with passing to other people ‘oh, is xx having a cuddle now, just let me come over and I can talk you through what’s she likes’
• if she says she’s giving you a break ‘I know I will in time but right now I just don’t want a break from her at all’
• if she insults you ‘gosh, I hope that came out ruder than you meant it to MIL’
• juat walked in ‘ she’s just got off to sleep so let’s not disturb her. Let’s grab some tea until she wakes up’. I’d also say a pointed hello/morning/lovely to see you if she ignores you.
• the kissing one, I’d raise again with Dh and get him to tackle it: and just check in with him until he does.

Use your voice. If you don't want your MIL to take your DD just say no. If she ignores your requests, pack up and leave her house - and tell her why and that her behaviour towards you and your DD needs to improve or youll be limiting visits. I get she might be an overexcited gran but her excitement should not be at the expense of your wellbeing.

And your DH needs to back you up!

My heart goes out to you OP. You sound lovely and I know how difficult it is to start being assertive if you've bitten your tongue for years.

However, it's crucial to set boundaries now with your MIL Your daughter's lifelong wellbeing depends on it, as well as your own. In a nutshell, this means you say no to everything you've mentioned in your OP, and you stick to it.

I leaned all about boundaries in my 30s when I allowed myself to be treated badly in a relationship. I educated myself about what reasonable boundaries were and how to assert them. It was the start of the rest of my life.

You can do this too OP. It will be so empowering and liberating to feel in control of your interactions with your MIL. All your anxieties and rumination will stop once your boundaries are firmly in place and are non-negotiable.

Just be prepared for pushback from MIL - and, crucially, ignore it. One of the most valuable lessons I learned was "people with weak boundaries often react badly when people with strong boundaries assert those boundaries". You may get tears, anger, tantrums, pleading, sulking, silent treatment, insults etc from your MIL and she may go crying to your partner. Ignore it all, however difficult you may find it to start with. It is essential for your and your daughter's long-term health and happiness that you do this.

You can do this OP. All the very best.

I think you need to stand up for your baby and yourself here op. It doesn't have to be a battle, just to assert that you are her mother and you do mind when she does these things.

Just walked in - leave her there I'd like her to sleep for a bit, let's have a cuppa in peace while we can.

Just finished feeding, she goes to take her - shift position, cuddle baby over shoulder, stand up etc, make conversation with mil for a minute. Then ask if she'd like a hold, carry on convo so she doesn't walk off.

Kissing - politely but firmly say it - mil, can you please not kiss baby's lips/face, we (note the 'we') don't like it while she's so young and vulnerable. Any pushback, just repeat.

Don't apologise.

I once chased my (lovely, but overenthusiastic) mil down the street so I could walk with her when I realised she had taken my 2 week old baby out in the pram without even saying anything to me or dh. Mad of us both, perhaps, but she didn't overstep like that again...

Your MIL is doing what you allow

Baby is asleep leave them be
Baby is feeding you may hold later
Tell her to sit down and you pass her the baby .

Start taking back control. Your babyz your rules. DH will work it out.